The 43rd Annual Academy of Country Music Awards

A good country song is a lot like a leaky submarine -- hard to fathom. We kid. No, seriously, we have a piece of straw in our mouth right now and are singing along to Kenny Chesney's Don't Blink as we type. So if you like country music like a dog likes a bone, put on a kettle and bake a pie, because the 43rd Annual Academy of Country Music Awards air Sunday, May 18, on CBS.

Setting the scene:
Stereotypes are what keep the novelty industry profitable, and who are we to fight such a powerful lobbying organization? So go country, go kitschy, and go big: bales of hay, saddles, cowboy hats, cowboy boots, red and white checked tablecloths, butter churns, lazy bloodhounds, and beer. (If Dollywood could be squeezed into your living room, this is what it would look like.) Try some split-rail fencing, a desert evening mural and a sign for the OK Corral. You can even buy fake covered wagons and 10-foot-tall flowering cactuses! Party favors can include CDs from the award nominees.

Attire:
You can choose country, or you can choose Western. But if you choose country AND Western, you're going for the gold! Denim jeans and jackets, skirts with fringe, cowboy/girl boots and hats, bandannas, chaps, vests and bolo ties.

On the menu:
We had to look up what vittles were, and now that we know, the excitement is lost. Nevertheless, country music goes hand in hand with good old home-style cookin', so think picnic and/or barbecue: ribs, catfish, corn bread, collard greens, sweet potatoes and baked beans. Beverages should include iced tea, lemonade, Jack Daniel's and Budweiser.

On the hi-fi:
With scheduled performers such as Trace Adkins, Brooks & Dunn, Dolly Parton, Sugarland, Taylor Swift and Carrie Underwood, you may as well just crank up the volume on your set and hope for some line dancing.

The showstopper:
First, let's acknowledge that the Academy of Country Music and the Country Music Association are two different things (apparently). But country music is country music, and from June 5 to 8 the CMA Music Festival takes place in Nashville, Tenn., with virtually every country star who is still breathing. Even if you did spring for the covered wagon, tickets to this are way better.

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