'Back to You'

There's something about local newscasts that tends to bridge the gap between the real and the surreal. When everything from murders and earthquakes to pie-eating contests and spelling bees is reported from the comfort of a weirdly lighted, laminated desk by people with no sense of style, it makes us feel as if life is being proctored by a substitute teacher.
With the return of Kelsey Grammer and Patricia Heaton to network comedy in Fox's Back to You, airing Wednesdays, we also feel as if someone feels our pain. So call your friends; they're about to make the news.

Setting the scene:
Transform your living room or garage into the Pittsburgh 9 newsroom with chestnut-colored paneling and frosted glass panels behind an extra-wide anchor desk on a raised platform. To one side have a green screen set up for weather maps (call your local high school A/V department for help). You'll want at least two video cameras wired to monitors throughout the room for partygoers to watch while "Back to You" is in commercial. Let everyone have a shot behind the desk, and be sure to take pictures with the WURG 9 news logo. Have fake microphones for on-the-spot reporting. Party favors can include tooth whitener, hair spray, homemade media badges and coffee mugs from your local news station.

Attire:
Wigs featuring helmet hair for the ladies, sport coats and ties for the guys (obnoxiously plaid ones for the sportscasters) or, for the more daring, nothing but strategically placed videotape. More at 11.

On the menu:
When food makes the news, it's never good: salmonella in salads, mad cow disease and bioengineered sheep tend to take away an appetite, so consider having the event catered like a cooking segment.

On the hi-fi:
Huey Lewis & the News seems to be the most obvious choice, but you might want to make a compilation of tracks that fit newscast criteria: Fade to Black by Metallica, Blow Up the Outside World by Soundgarden, It's the End of the World as We Know It by R.E.M., I Feel the Earth Move by Carole King, Smooth Criminal by Alien Ant Farm, Down in a Hole by Alice in Chains and War by Bruce Springsteen.

The showstopper:
No one will know where your party is unless you have a news van parked on your front lawn. So either call your local news and tell them you've found Jimmy Hoffa in your basement or order a new mobile video truck of your own. For only around $300,000, you can make your own news.

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