'House'
If it wasn't for their ability to prescribe drugs, we'd have absolutely no tolerance for doctors. They tend to be dull, their handwriting is poor, and they make us wait in small rooms with last year's Newsweek. But since we're OK with medical professionals who are cantankerous, opinionated and sport fake American accents, we've decided to throw a party around House, airing Fridays on Fox. So call every hypochondriac you know, slip on your best neck brace and throw a House party to remember.
Setting the scene:
If constipation were an acting technique, Hugh Laurie would win awards from suppository companies the world over. And that's the medical condition we recommend using as inspiration when it comes to decorating for this party. Get your hands on a hospital bed, and work out from there. Track down IV poles, oxygen tanks, wheelchairs and coolers that say "Organ Transplant" and "Biohazard." Have X-rays framed and hanging as art on the walls (www.ebay.com). Place stainless trays on tables with clamps, scalpels and stethoscopes. Make sure there's a cane and a guitar in the corner to honor Dr. House. Invitations should be written as prescriptions. Party favors include rubber gloves and hospital masks. Try contests with the game Operation with winners earning extra pillows and blankets.
Attire:
Hospital scrubs, hospital gowns, robes, pajamas, crutches and an incurable look of constipation. Hire cocktail waitresses dressed as naughty nurses to serve chilled vodka from IV bags.
On the menu:
Hospital food. Yep, we know. Serve Jell-O cups, sliced turkey, mashed potatoes and peas in bedpans. The centerpiece should be an entire raw liver floating about a punch bowl of Bloody Marys. Dessert: Jordan almonds in pill bottles and chocolate-dipped tongue depressors.
On the hi-fi:
Bad Case of Loving You (Doctor, Doctor) by Robert Palmer; Sittin' in the Waiting Room by Carla Ulbrich; anything by Dr. John and the Spin Doctors.
The showstopper:
Traditional hospital themes are all well and good for those of you trying to keep things simple, but to push this over the top let's consider adding contagious diseases to the mix and have the entire event quarantined. On your front lawn set up emergency relief tents with huge signs reading "Quarantine Zone." Then hire four college students to wear biohazard suits and check everyone in!
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