'WWE Monday Night Raw'
Mullets and muscles, silicone implants and blatant threats -- get ready for our least conventional holiday party ever as we kiss off glad tidings and good will toward men in favor of body slams and clotheslines. That's right, even though Santa Claus would probably turn out to be one of the most popular professional wrestlers ever -- somewhere behind Hulk Hogan but ahead of Rowdy Roddy Piper -- we are ignoring the jolly old elf in favor of a group that delivers every week on USA Network -- the superstars of WWE Monday Night Raw. Hey, is it our fault Bing Crosby is dead?
Setting the scene:
Christmas at Vince McMahon's house is that special combination of tradition trappings -- tree, garland, twinkling lights -- with that special touch that only comes from the world of wrestling -- folding chairs to beat each other with and people making loud, obnoxious threats to an absent Kriss Kringle. But since you don't live in a McMahonsion, do what you can by getting life-sized posters of your favorite wrestlers. And while you could go all out and get an actual wrestling ring, we suggest you hire a couple of locals to wrestle in red and green Jell-O instead. It's festive and degrading all at once. And don't forget mistletoe, because without it the Undertaker might never get lucky.
Attire:
Santa hats over long, stringy hair, bare chests, neck braces and tights for the guys. Ladies can choose from stuffed sports bras or evening gowns with bicep tattoos. Yep, it's gonna be a classy affair.
On the menu:
While nobody really knows the training diet of professional wrestlers, we do have a handle on what wrestling fans love -- beer. So make sure you've got plenty of it. Also: chips, nachos, hot dogs, giant pretzels, Christmas cookies and eggnog.
On the hi-fi:
Hymns and carols might be all well and good for other holiday parties, but this one requires a trip to Wal-Mart to pick up WWE Theme Addict: The Music, Vol. 6, featuring Line in the Sand by Motorhead and a mess of entrance themes by WWE composer Jim Johnston.
The showstopper:
Nothing says Merry Christmas like unwrapping a genuine replica WWE championship spinner belt. Featuring more than 3,000 faux diamonds and a three- dimensional, spinning WWE logo center plate, the belt measures 4 feet 9 inches long and weighs a whopping 7.5 pounds. You will be the envy of everyone in the mobile home park.
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