TV Party

Ever look down at your biceps and think, “Wow, that looks so naked. I should have someone with a sharp needle come at me and pump it full of ink until it looks like I have a skeletal hula dancer sharing a Triscuit with a rabid bulldog … .” Yeah, us, too. And that’s why we can’t get enough of Tattoo Highway, airing Wednesdays on A&E Network. Come on – 94 tattoos in 36 days? That’s insane. But if you’re reading this, Thomas Pendelton, our editor would really love Edvard Munch’s The Scream re-created on her lower back. You, too?

Sometimes a new show comes along that seems built for success. That’s why we love Warehouse 13, airing Tuesdays on SyFy; it’s a little bit X-Files and a little bit National Treasure and a whole lotta fun. And did we mention that this week’s episode features former Battlestar Galactica siren Tricia Helfer as a guest star? Well, it does. So channel your inner and outer geeks and send out the invitations; we’re throwing a Warehouse 13 party!

While we don’t personally care for bare-chested men with sweaty, stringy hair, we do enjoy watching them beat one another to within an inch of their lives. Yes, there’s something to be said for having pioneers in the field of HGH hurl threats – and opponents – into the bleachers on USA Network’s WWE Monday Night Raw. So if you’ve never had the good fortune to be hit over the head with a folding chair but relate to every joke Jeff Foxworthy has ever told, call your friends and neighbors, ’cuz we’re throwing a WWE Raw party!

The suburbs are a magical place where anything seems possible – carpooling, child labor, throwing dog poop over the fence onto the neighbor’s lawn – and yet somehow it gets a bad rap. Luckily, Bob Saget is as mystified by its charm as the rest of us on Surviving Suburbia, airing Fridays on ABC. So if you have a nice little cul-de-sac and a split-level ranch begging for attention, call your friends and neighbors; we’re throwing a Surviving Suburbia party!

Love it or loathe it, our legal system is the backbone of the United States. In fact, there’s probably a class action lawsuit going on right now trying to make us all whole again after last season’s lineup on The CW. And sometimes a legal drama comes along such as Raising the Bar, airing Mondays on TNT, that makes us wonder whether we should leave our current job planning parties and take the LSATs. So if you think you might like to take the bar instead of belly up to one, call your friends and neighbors; we’re throwing a party! (Tell them you’re serving habeas corpus and cheese.)

Celebrities are used to getting the royal treatment: limousines, personal chefs, toilet paper. But the economic downturn has forced a small group of “celebrities” – and we use that term loosely – to huddle together in the jungles of Costa Rica in a desperate attempt to claim food, supplies, luxury items and relevancy on I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here! this week and next on NBC. So if you enjoyed Swiss Family Robinson but thought the life lessons and family love were too much sentimental nonsense and that it could have used a few more girl-on-girl screaming matches, call your friends – we’re going native!

Newlyweds might just be the happiest people on Earth. Well, after lottery winners. And people recently released from prison – although parolees have a better grasp on the future than either of the other two. Regardless, there’s a certain joy that comes from watching love and unbridled optimism in the face of overwhelmingly negative odds. And that’s just what you get with Here Come the Newlyweds Mondays on ABC. So if you’re a fan of couples who have no idea what they’ve gotten themselves into (or you’re a licensed divorce attorney), call your married friends – we’re partying like newlyweds!

Whether you love the Dallas Cowboys or hate them, one thing is certain – if they offered you a paycheck you’d take it. And they just might, if you’re one of the 12 guys given an opportunity on 4th and Long, airing Mondays on Spike TV. Football legend and former Cowboy Michael Irving hosts this reality challenge where the winner gets a spot at Cowboys training camp and with it, a shot at making the team. So if you love the gridiron and can’t wait for training camp to start, call your friends; we’re throwing 4th and Long!

Last season, we were so disappointed when that loser Jason let the charming and special Jillian Harris go. Not because we thought he was making a huge mistake but because we wanted Melissa for ourselves. Luckily, it all worked out perfectly for everyone involved, and the lovely Ms. Harris gets to turn the tables and choose from a gaggle of guys while searching for Mr. Right in the fifth installment of The Bachelorette, airing Mondays on ABC. So if you’re as excited as we are to find this gal her Prince Charming, call your single friends – it’s time to party!

If there is one concept that we’d have bet against, it would be that a network would greenlight a show featuring spoken-word poetry. It’s barely one level above watching grass grow. And yet, Russell Simmons Presents Brave New Voices, airing Sundays on HBO, is a terrific combination of talent, hope and drama masking the fact that words plus television equals boring. Still, it’s great to know that some kids are still literate and can muster the occasional haiku. So if you appreciate words and smart kids, spell-check the invitations; we’re throwing a party!