Mermaids are not real, says the U.S. government: No official statement on vampires and unicorns

Thanks to the Animal Planet special "Mermaids: The Body Found," the government has seen cause to release an official statement debunking the existence of mermaids.

We're still waiting for word on vampires and unicorns. 

The statement came on the heels of an outcry from Animal Planet viewers who were confused about the speculative nature of the documentary, which attempted to show what a mermaid would look like if the creature existed.

In order to assure taxpayers that there's no such thing as a "Mermaid Service Program" in the government, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration put up a note on its website. "No evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found. Why, then, do they occupy the collective unconscious of nearly all seafaring peoples? That's a question best left to historians, philosophers, and anthropologists," they write.

Ursula the Sea Witch had no comment.