Celebrity Cheat(er) sheet: 5 tips for keepin' your dirty little secret -- so we don't have to write about it
Ruh-roh. The latest celebrity to be accused of stepping out on his marriage? David Beckham. In Touch Weekly alleges Beckham cheated on his wife, Victoria "Posh" Beckham, with a high-priced hooker back in 2007.
Thankfully for fans of the British soccer stud, His rep tells US Weekly that the allegations are "completely untrue and totally ridiculous," and that the Beckhams are planning to take legal action.
Still, the story lead us to look over the very public indiscretions of Tiger Woods, Jesse James and etc. etc. etc., and come up with a fool-proof list that every actor/musician/athlete/famous-for-nothing should take a gander at before letting his eye wander:
We didn't do it for you, we did it for us. You think we like reporting your weird bedroom habits and kinky text messages?
Five tips for cheating on your significant other in Hollywood
1. Choose wisely
If a woman acts like she doesn't know you're famous, it usually means your face is her screensaver. Also, if she works at any of the following places: Strip club, restaurant, club, nowhere, you deserve to get caught.
2. Buy a pay-as-you-go phone
If you plan on seeing your mistress continously and have to plan your secret meetings in advance, do not send texts and/or sexts from your phone. While we'll no doubt enjoy reading them later (Thanks for the laughs Tiger!) we're pretty sure you won't. And you know she will be saving EVERY single text you ever send.
3. Become a hermit
If you always make them come to you, there will never be any photographic or video evidence of your socially frowned-upon activities. Late at night and you have an In-N-Out craving? Send your assistant. It's what you're paying them to do. Need to make a quick ATM run? Don't do it. Sure, it's only five minutes away, but as Justin Bieber learned yesterday, not even the backseat of a Honda is sacred anymore.
4. Sharing is not caring
Make sure none of these subjects ever come up: Family, career, home life, love life, basically any personal details that can be mocked and used for "Saturday Night Live" fodder when the affair goes public. Just talk about the weather, get it, and get out. If you wanted to talk, you wouldn't be cheating now would you?
5. The obvious
Don't cheat. You won't have to go through all of these stupid precautions and you won't become America's most hated man. Win-win.