Jimmy Kimmel calls '24' a 'head butt away from cancellation'

God bless Jimmy Kimmel, who had some real zingers for the networks, their execs – and some of their top shows – at the ABC upfronts in New York this week.

"Everything you're going to hear this week is [nonsense]," he told the New York audience of press and advertisers Tuesday. "Let's get real here. Let's get Dr. Phil-real here. These new fall shows? We're going to cancel about 90% of them. Maybe more."

Why is ABC announcing the new fall shows at the same time it announces the midseason shows that will replace those fall shows? "This show 'Shark Tank' has the word 'tank' right in the title," he joked.

To the advertisers, Mr. Kimmel warned, "Every year we lie to you, and every year you come back for more. You don't need an upfront. You need therapy. We completely lie to you, and then you pass those lies on to your clients."

Still to advertisers, he bragged, "Next year on 'Grey's Anatomy,' your product could kill Dr. Izzie. It just depends on how much you want to pay."

On Jay Leno's 10 p.m. talk show, NBC is "giving Jay's viewers exactly what they want. An early-bird special."

Mr. Kimmel also fired a shot at Fox, calling  "24" "a head butt away from cancellation," adding that next season Jack Bauer would have a sidekick played by Kiefer Sutherland's probation officer.

Finally, Kimmel closed, "I think all our shows are going to work this year. I really do." He paused. "I don't, really."

He added, "The important thing to remember is: Who cares? It's not your money."

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Photo credit: WireImage