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Twitter'Lost': Crossing over
When I said I get a lot of inspiration from you loyal Lost blog readers, I meant it. It wasn't one of those politician-like moves. This is blogging you can believe in, people. And in the midst of the last entry, the topic slowly evolved into a situation that produced today's entry. Synergy: it's what's for dinner!
One of the staples of televisions' sweeps period is the cross-over episode, during which actors/characters from one show end up on others through some wild and wacky coincidence. You might remember Noah Wylie and George Clooney going on a double date on Friends with Rachel and Monica, for instance. There's almost no rhyme or reason to these crossovers except ratings, ratings, ratings.
Lost doesn't need the ratings, really. I mean, one cares about ratings if one is concerned about a show's cancellation. And with Lost guaranteed to end on a specific date, there's no worry to be had. Hakuna matata, y'all. But that doesn't mean I haven't pondered the possibilities of what certain crossover episodes might entail. With that in mind, I've crafted a few teleplays for Hollywood producers to consider. You know, just to get the ball rolling.
(We're in the Orchid Station, circa 1978. Pierre Chang is placing a white rabbit with the number 15 on its side into the mysterious compartment seen in "There's No Place Like Home." Suddenly, Hiro Nakamura appears inside the station out of nowhere.)
Pierre: Who...who are you? This facility is restricted!
Hiro: I Hiro. I'm from future. I'm here to help save world.
Pierre: The future? But that's impossible. We haven't yet figured out a save way to transport humans through the space-time continuum.
Hiro: Oh, it's easy.
Pierre: Really? How have you solved the mystery? We're just now started to understand the unique properties inherent to the dark matter discovered here and...
Hiro: Oh, I just squint really hard.
Pierre: Excuse me?
Hiro: Hiro just squint...(he scrunches his face)...and yatta!
Pierre: You're freakin' kidding me.
Hiro: No, is true. I show you!
(Hiro steps back, blinks, and disappears. In the near distance, we see Daniel Faraday's head slowly pop up, unsure of where he is.)
Daniel: Not good.
(Michael Scott sits as his desk inside the Flame, talking to the documentary crew.)
Michael: You know, I'd like to think I'm not only saving the world...but I'm saving my employees from boredom. Take Mikhail, for instance.
(Shot of Mikhail playing chess at the Flame computer.)
Michael: Nice guy, loyal worker. But he just seems...I dunno, I bit morose? We've been focused so long on pushing buttons, performing weird psychological experiments in Room 23, and maintaining files on most of the human race should they ever prove useful to our cause, that we've forgotten how to have FUN around here. And what's the point in preserving humanity if we're all a bunch of fuddy duddies. I think it's time to lighten things up around here.
(Michael dances over to Mikhail, singing David Hasselhoff's version of "Hooked on a Feeling." Mikhail knocks him out with one blow.)
(POV switches to Dwight Schrute, in full hunting gear, deep in the jungle.)
Dwight: The Schrutes have a long, proud lineage of hunting exotic creatures: elk, moose, Tazmanian devil, Malaysian badger. A simple smoke monster should prove mere sport to a genetically superior gamesman such as myself.
(Cut to shot of Jim Halpert at the Swan computer, giving the camera an arched eyebrow.)
(A sullen group of Lostaways look down at something off-camera. Into frame walks Lt. Horatio Caine.)
Caine: So, what do we have here?
Hurley: Nikki and Paolo, dude.
Caine: Cause of death?
Hurley: I dunno, it's like, they were fighting earlier, and now, just lying there and stuff.
Caine: So we're thinking...foul play?
Sawyer: Well, look at Columbo here, all mystery solving and such. I didn't realize we has a resident Sherlock Holmes on the scene.
Calleigh Duquesne: Initial forensics show no blunt trauma, no blood loss, nothing to suggest there was a struggle of any kind. I'm stumped.
Caine: Well, it's like people always say...
(Camera quickly pans into the faces of Calleigh, Sawyer, Hurley, and finally Caine.)
Caine: (takes his sunglasses off)...some people will just kill for a piece of beachfront property.
Roger Daltry: YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
Chris Harrison: Well, Kate, it's come down to this.
(Shot of Kate standing on a pedestal, holding a rose with the capsule dump artfully lit in the background. She's wearing the same dress provided by the Others at the beginning of Season 3.)
Chris Harrison: It's been four seasons, and you've successfully narrowed it down to two potential suitors.
(Shot of Jack and Sawyer, each pimped out in three-piece suits.)
Chris Harrison: Of course, you'd basically selected these two after the first hour on the Island, but hey, I'm sure these guys haven't minded the wait or your level of schizophrenic indecision.
Jack: I wouldn't be so sure.
Sawyer: I'm with the doc on this one.
Kate: Guys! You're not helping. This is really hard for me.
Jack: Forget this. I'm going to see if Juliet's still around.
Sawyer: You forget, Romeo, I'm the one stuck on the Island with her. If you don't mind, I'm gonna find me some Dharma cologne and get on that hot piece of Others goodness.
Jack: (shouting to the heavens) WE HAVE TO GO BACK!
Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles
(POV shot of the smoke monster tearing through the jungle, hunting its prey. We hear the familiar mechanical sounds as trees are uprooted along its path of destruction. Eventually, we see Cameron come into frame. The monster comes within inches of the Terminator's face, much like it did with Eko in "The 23rd Psalm." Cameron eyes the monster blankly, then cocks her head slightly sideways.)
Cameron: Puppy!
***
OK, those are my crossover ideas. Now it's your turn: what show/characters would you like to see appear on the Island? Leave them below.
Ryan also posts every 108 minutes over at Boob Tube Dude, then peruses Zap2It's Guide to Lost Facebook group.
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Zap2it Twitter Talk 
ok, YAY FIRST!!! so how about this: LOST + Buffy (you KNOW i had to go there).
Sawyer, Juliet, and other Island dwellers trace the smoke monster back to it's cave. brushing aside the dirt, they find a seal on the floor, it's a goat's head with its tongue sticking out.
Sawyer: Who's been laying tile out here?
Juliet: I've never seen anything like this on the Island.
(a small pig runs by)
Sawyer: Looky here!! Dinner!! (dives for pig, misses)
(Andrew pops out from behind a rock, also dives for pig, also misses)
Andrew: THAT'LL DO PIG!!!
Prison Break:
(Mysteriously, Michael, Lincoln, and T-Bag are spotted on the beach - must have been that magic box)
Michael: We're a long way from where we started.
T-Bag: No kidding pretty, now tell me how we are going to get off this island.
Sawyer: Who invited Captain Hook?
Jack: Who are you guys?
Kate: I'm going with them.
Michael: I have a plan. The Company sent us here to get rid of us. If we can get to the Orchid Station, we can get back.
Ben: No Michael Scoffield, former inmate of Fox River, the Company wants you to WANT to get back. And how do you know about the Orchid.
(Michael rolls up his shirt, revealing a blast door map tattoo - among other things)
Hurley: Dude, the numbers!!
Lincoln: Mike, it's impossible, there's no way we can get outta here.
Michael: Not if you designed the donkey wheel...
LOST + How I Met Your Mother
Barney on the island.
That's it. Think about it.
These are so funny. Actually, I've always wanted a Lost/The Office crossover. I remember a couple of years ago at the Emmys when Conan O'Brien goes down the hatch and comes out of a ceiling vent above Dwight's desk.
I don't ever post, but I've really been enjoying this blog. It's the only thing tiding me over until Lost comes back. There's nothing this fall that I'm excited about. Fringe was okay, but just okay. Glad to see Ryan's doing those recaps too. I liked the recap better than the show.
Seconds after the final shot of the last episode of The Sopranos:
The fade-out continues for a few seconds. Then you hear the music that accompanied the Frozen Donkey Wheel being moved by Ben. The Soprano clan shows up in the underground p***age with Ben.
Tony: Where the f*** are we?
Ben: (looks around) Sh**! This go****m thing always slips one cog too far! F***!
Tony: Who the f*** are you?
Ben: (rolls eyes, pulls out gun, shoots Tony multiple times) Now then. (puts gun away) Who wants some Dharma hot cocoa? (smiles as only Ben Linus can smile)
Fade Out, cue "Wheel In the Sky" by Journey
Revenant, that is hilarious.
Columns such as this one should come with a warning. I nearly spit Coke all over my keyboard reading Sawyer's lines for CSI:Miami.
I'll just sit back and enjoy the ideas. Really good stuff people. CSI Miami is hilarious!
OK, Ryan. Guess the show...
Kate and Jack embrace each other as they agree they all must go back to the island (Jack, of course, is weeping.)
Kate lifts her head up to look at the 7 foot tall, robed figure peering in from the patio screen door. Atop the giants shoulders stands a golden horned helmet with a cycloptic eye directly above a circular screen where its mouth should be. The height of the creature dictates that it's crouching to get a better view of the startled couple.
KATE: My God, Jack! What is it?!
JACK: Get Aaron, Kate! Now!
THE CREATURE: Earth man! I have traveled from an incredibly distant star to observe the ways of your planet. You have the honor of representing your entire race as my sample subjects.
JACK (whispering): Kate...get Aaron!
THE CREATURE: Whispering is futile! The Grand Galactic Inquisitor hears all, sees all!
Do not speak to me! Do not alter your normal human behavior in any way. You know not the elaborate criteria by which you are to be judged. Ignore my presence and go about your earthly business!
KATE: But...
GRAND INQUISITOR (interrupting): Ignore me!
Uno mas:
(Hurley comes flying out of the treees as if all the demons of Hell were chasing him. Sawyer and Kate, standing near the water, jump away from each other as they hear Hurley crashing towards them.)
Hurley: Dudes, run! They're coming!
Sawyer: (reaching down for handgun, forgets he's not wearing one) Dammit! Run, Freckles. I'll try and distract whatever it is.
Kate: No, I'm not leaving you!
Sawyer: Don't argue, just go!
(Too late. Out of the trees crashes two Dobermans, larger than any either of them have ever seen. Yelling, Kate and Sawyer take off after Hurley. The dogs give chase.
Three second pause.
A very British looking man steps out onto the beach.)
Higgins: Zeus! Apollo! Come!
(Behind Higgins steps a mustachioed man, wearing a garish Hawaiian shirt. He is panting from his exertions.)
Magnum: Man, Higgins, I knew Robin Masters' estate was huge, but this is ridiculous!