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'Lost': The Zap2it Society of Dharmacracy
I'm a big fan of the community built up around this Lost blog since I took over the reigns late last year. Sure, I post the entries and all, but much like the beloved rapper Snap, you've got the power around here. I'm a mere peon, aiming to scratch your Lost itch. So imagine my great surprise when one of you came up with the following suggestion last week:
"I am voting for Ryan for President because if someone with this keen of an eye can commit to a television show, I personally believe he could end this war. All Hail Ryan! The Four-Toed LOST King."
Well, glory be. That's just about the best comment ever. I'm all about sycophantic comments, y'all, and that one tops the bill.
But it got me thinking: maybe I SHOULD be president. I just need to know what war I'm ending: the one in the Middle East, or the one between Linus and Widmore. I'd almost rather tackle the former, all things considered. But surely I'm not aiming for the presidency simply to be Commander-in-Chief. I want a stable society, one based on truth, freedom, and the one true way. In other words, I want to foster a society based not on democracy, but dharmacracy.
It's a fine line between the two, to be sure. But the Founding Fathers in our case are people like Alvar Hanso, Enrico Valenzetti and the Degroots: those who sought to free society from the tyrannical grasp of impending apocalypse and usher in an age of prosperity and peace. Not to mention ushering in an era of experimental film!
So in trying to come up with the guiding principles of dharmacracy, I went to the root of our own country's bylaws: The Bill of Rights. While imperfect, as all rules of law tend to be, they nevertheless represent a good starting point for the tenets of my nascent society. This is all a way of saying I've basically co-opted them all and tweaked them as I saw fit in order to form a more perfect union of mind, body, and pop culture.
Thus, I present to you the Bill of Rights for the Zap2It Society of Dharmacracy from I, your randomly and perhaps unfairly designated president.
Amendment I
The Society shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof (so long as they remember that God loves them as He loved Jacob) or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, so long as they do so well within the boundaries of the giant honkin' sonic fence. We built if for a reason, people.
Amendment II
A well regulated and armed hatch, being necessary to the security of a free state, necessary for the ultimate salvation of mankind, and necessary to pop a cap in any nearby Hostile's butt, shall not be infringed.
Amendment III
No citizen shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the answer to "What did one snowman say to the other snowman?" being firmly given first, nor in time of war, since we've found a creepy, hieroglyphic-laden door for exactly that purpose already.
Amendment IV
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches, seizures, and/or psychological assault, shall be pretty much ignored most of the time, especially if Ben thinks you're schtupping Goodwin.
Amendment V
No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the aftermath of the controversial spinal surgery of our leader, in which case it's crazy-looking back brand for you; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb, but simply forced to turn the frozen donkey wheel and end up inexplicably in Tunisia.
Amendment VI
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a passive aggresive litany of accusations, followed by temporary expulsion from the group, hard labor in an unspecified work site, or torture via bamboo under the fingernails. You shall rarely be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation, nor given assistance of counsel for your defense, benefit of the doubt, or much in the way of "muh bad" when it turns out we were wrong.
Amendment VII
In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty boxes of Dharma wine, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and by "right of trial by jury" we mean "go ahead and punch the cretin, it seems to be how things are handled round here."
Amendment VIII
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted. (Fish biscuits and Room 23 are, in our most esteemed legal view, perfectly legit.)
Amendment IX
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people, except when you point out typos in Ryan's blogs, in which case, all bets are off, y'all.
Amendment X
The powers not delegated to the Society in this Bill of Rights, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the readers respectively, without whom there would be no Dharmacracy whatsoever. Y'all rock.
Ryan also posts every 108 minutes over at Boob Tube Dude.
Hehe, nice constitution. You left out branding with a weird multi-cross as punishment. And fish biscuits don't seem like punishment to me; my wife makes 'em real tasy-like.
JeffC | Jul 15, 2008 8:12:28 PM | #JeffC: Reread Amendment V. It's covered.
Ryan | Jul 15, 2008 8:19:35 PM | #Mmmm, fish biscuits. My gramie used to make them to have with Salmon P. Wiggle (don't ask), but they became a tasty treat all on their own. If you're not from New England, you'd probably think they tasted like foot fungus, but then we're talking about a group of people who think cold beans on crackers for breakfast is haute cuisine. Plus, most of them came from England and Ireland, and you know what those people like to eat.
Y'all? Or as Jackie Chan would say it, "Y'aawww?"
Oh, and if I get hard labor, I'll be happy to scrub mud off Kate's body with a cotton ball. And baby oil. And...excuse me, gotta go...
:P
Dark Disciple | Jul 15, 2008 8:23:05 PM | #Okay, if I sign off on the Bill of Rights (or is it the Bill of Wrongs?) -- who is Ryan's VP in this Dharmacracy? Dark Disciple? or Moonbeam/Diana by default as she already holds the office closest to the designated president?
Do we have the gaseous annihilation of those in opposition of the Society covered somewhere? Perhaps in Article VI or VII?
The right to pursue golf, board games/book clubs, and joy-riding in an old VW bus...?
Then there's the Civil War which is bound to happen -- between the Locke-abees and the Jack-o-Fans. (I personally don't have strong feelings for either character -- they serve their purposes and are interesting to discuss, but I see no reason to get all 'het up' about either one of them. But that's just me....)
But perhaps the upcoming war --as Ryan suggests above-- is really between the Widemore-ettes and the Jacobeans. Is that a civil war or global? hmmmm.
djc | Jul 15, 2008 9:32:25 PM | #Applause!!!!!!!!
Very creative Dharmacratic Bill of Rights, Ryan (I mean MR. President).
Like DJC stated, since we are Dharma-ites under a Dharmacrastic society, we should be protected under our bill of rights against a purge scale attack.
So, If DD is our VP, then who is Secretary in charge of food drops?
Chris | Jul 16, 2008 6:11:09 AM | #Oops, Muh Bad...should have read Dharmacratic society not Dharmacrastic....hee hee.
Chris | Jul 16, 2008 6:12:36 AM | #I like the Secretary of Food Drops...kinda like our own Secretary of Agriculture...keep 'em coming!
Ryan | Jul 16, 2008 6:18:08 AM | #As First Lady of our Dharmacratic Society of Lost, my first order of business will be to redecorate the Yellow Houses.
Diana | Jul 16, 2008 6:22:44 AM | #Little boxes...in New Otherton...little boxes made of ticky tacky....
Ryan | Jul 16, 2008 6:27:10 AM | #Oop! My bad, I missed Amendment V.
JeffC | Jul 16, 2008 6:54:59 AM | #Oop! My bad, I missed Amendment V.
JeffC | Jul 16, 2008 6:55:05 AM | #aaaaaaand double post FTL
JeffC | Jul 16, 2008 6:55:27 AM | #Can I be Minister of the Freaky-Ass Environment? I wanna be responsible for the spontaneous rain storms.
JeffC | Jul 16, 2008 6:59:39 AM | #If there are no objections, absolutely!
Ryan | Jul 16, 2008 7:41:48 AM | #Well, if we can appoint ourselves then, I will take the Secretary Of Food Drops and baking numbered bunnies position.
Chris | Jul 16, 2008 7:49:10 AM | #Controller of Smoke Monster?
Minister of Medical Experiments?
I would also like to run for Officer in Charge of Animal Control. That includes animals who may or may not really be there like Kate's horse and all wild animals like Polar Bears and Wild Boar.
Chris | Jul 16, 2008 8:27:48 AM | #I want to be Director of Personality Reassessment.
In other words, I want to be the guy pushing the buttons in Room 23.
Now, if we could just get Claire into the chair, her personality reassassment could begin immediately. (And not that freak, quiet Claire that hangs out with notChristian either.)
AdSlinger | Jul 16, 2008 9:24:15 AM | #I was looking at Wikipedia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_Cabinet
and discovered an open position:
Secretary of Commerce, aka Trade with Sawyer.
Ladies? Any takers?
Diana | Jul 16, 2008 10:44:13 AM | #Also, I'd love suggestions for a title for Mrs. Butterworth.
She needs one darnit.
Diana | Jul 16, 2008 10:48:37 AM | #LOL, good stuff. Sorry Ryan, I have been guilty before of violating Amendment IX, but it's only because I care!
Anyway, how about this as far as cost of bail; in all cases (whatever the cases may be), bail shall be set at 3.2 million dollars?
Other Sean | Jul 16, 2008 11:40:06 AM | #Mrs. Butterworth can be Undersecretary of Because I Said So Dammit (Chuck Norris, of course, is already heading that particular area), which is the department where whiners visiting The Island are sent when they ask too many questions. Or maybe she can be the head of whatever department is in charge of handling people who are guilty of too much waffling...
Don't worry, I've already smacked myself for that one, put the bullwhip back on the nail. :P
Dark Disciple | Jul 16, 2008 12:14:41 PM | #we need a Surgeon General, a Sect. of Defense (depending on who's side you're on, you would either be in charge of cave man weaponry or Keamy's badass arsenal), but i think Madame Btrwrth would serve well as Sect. of State. she's sweet enough to keep everybody happy, yet sticky enough to make them all stay around and pay attention.
:-)
mri | Jul 16, 2008 1:27:44 PM | #You "guys" (and I say this generically) are too much!
Debra | Jul 16, 2008 2:20:15 PM | #I'm thinking we need a Department of HomeHatch Security. We don't need
anyone turning any wheels anymore. Speaking of wheel turning, I think a Tunisian Ambassador is needed.
That's funny, Mrs. Butterworth is in your Cabinet.
A-Rob | Jul 16, 2008 2:26:08 PM | #
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