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'Lost': No direction home
A lot of people seemed concerned by the ever-growing power of Google over...well, everything. What was once a search engine now does everything except hand you shampoo in the morning, and I heard they're working on a beta for that. But I can't get too worked up about it, especially when its Maps feature yields such wildly entertaining alternative directions that those from Lost could have taken in lieu of going on Oceanic 815.
That's right: they simply could have walked down the street, kayaked roughly thirteen thousand kilometers, and boom, they would have been home, lickety split. Or, alternatively, they could have simply used a good ol' fashioned GPS system, like the one my parents-in-law got us for Christmas. I heart this device; I truly do. We used to print out directions from services like Mapquest, only to find one particular step so egregiously vague or incorrect that we'd inevitably call the people we were trying to visit, telling them we'd be there as soon as we crossed back through customs.
But there's one feature I simply hate about my GPS: the incredibly creepy monotone voice that tells me where to go. Sure, there are multiple presets, but they are all variations on "insanely droning." I don't want HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey guiding my journey. I want a celebrity with a cool voice...like Sean Connery! I'd pay a good month's salary to hear Sean coming out of my GPS. It would be worth it to hear something like, "In five hundred paces, turn southeast, young squire." That would rule.
Then again, given my obsession with Lost, maybe I should just have characters from the show on my GPS. I mean, I might get sick of hearing Connery berate my inability to follow his directions; maybe I'd like different characters for different situations. That seems more my style, now that I think of it.
I mean, think about the following scenarios...
...after accidentally missing a turn...
Jack: We have to go back. WE HAVE TO GO BACK!
...when trying to calculate which route is better suited for my journey...
Kate: Well, there's the safe one. The solid one. Pretty dependable, looks like. The kind of road you dream about as a little girl. But there's this other road...a rugged one. Looks dangerous, but the rewards, oh, the rewards...
...when driving over a wintry road not normally serviced by plows...
Michael: SAAAAAAAAAAALT!
...when you've reached your destination...
Charlie: You're there, everybody!
...when you've changed roads...
Marvin Candle: Welcome, I'm Dr. Marvin Candle, and this is the set of directions for Route 66, or, "The Mother Road." In a moment you'll be given a simple set of instructions for how you and your passengers will fulfill the responsibilities associated with this particular stretch of road.
...when you're being followed...
Ben: You're gonna take this car and follow a compass bearing of 325 and if you do that exactly, you will find rescue.
...when you're going to fast...
Sawyer: Whoa, there, Speed Racer, how 'bout easing up on that gas pedal, now? No need to go all Steve McQueen on me.
***
I mean, I think this could work, don't you? I'd certainly sign up for the service. What other types of voices and situations would you like on this Dharma GPS?
Ryan also posts every 108 minutes over at Boob Tube Dude.
When you drive like a maniac through city streets and end up crashing into the side of an innocent Dumpster (or just about any situation in which the vehicle is not used according to its proper specs):
Hurley: Duuuuuuuude...
Dark Disciple | Jun 30, 2008 7:18:49 PM | #(Sorry about the multiple posts)
When you're at a T-intersection, and you can't decide if you should turn left or right:
John Locke: Well, Mack...what's it gonna be?
When you completely disregard the instructions of the on-board computer:
Ana-Lucia: (swearing vociferously in Spanish)
Every time you push the special button that tells you how long it will take to reach your destination:
Danielle Rousseau: (in a whispering, wavery voice tinged with French) Six...teen...minutes...
I've got tons, but now it's y'all's turn.
Dark Disciple | Jun 30, 2008 7:24:36 PM | #when you're 100 yards from the turn the system wants you to make, the "blip-blip-blip" from the Hatch clock starts until you make/reach your turn. if you don't take the turn, all systems will shut down on your car and the tires will explode. ok, maybe the last part of that one isn't such a good idea...
mri | Jun 30, 2008 7:26:03 PM | #oh, and how could i forget our favorite celebrity spokes-syrup?? of COURSE Mrs. Btrwrth should tell you where to go!!!!!
mri | Jun 30, 2008 7:34:43 PM | #When you think your GPS made a mistake:
Ben: Don't you know, I always have a plan.
When you're first learning to use the GPS:
Ben: What if I told you there was a magical box. And in this box was a set of directions for anywhere in the world.....
...And sometimes a left turn is just a left turn...
djc | Jun 30, 2008 8:45:22 PM | #I'd love a Darlton-esque, we're gonna kind of answer you, but not really answer you and try to stay as evasive as possible and then end up giving an answer that's neither reliable nor considered canon.
Jeff | Jun 30, 2008 9:13:34 PM | #When making an illegal maneuver:
Locke: DONT TELL ME WHAT I CANT DO!
Kristin | Jun 30, 2008 9:23:25 PM | #"Um, why aren't we going to the concert hall? Isn't that where the show is?"
Faraday: "I can't say that is our...primary objective"
"Don't give me that crap! Computer, show me the quickest way to the concert hall, right now!"
Miles: "I'll tell you what you wanna know...for 3.2 million dollars."
Other Sean | Jul 1, 2008 1:55:29 AM | #"I want you to want to turn right."
Jeff | Jul 1, 2008 5:43:33 AM | #As you approach a stop sign:
You hear the click of a gun and Sayid's voice saying "Stop right where you are and don't move."
Chris | Jul 1, 2008 5:54:16 AM | #In a school zone:
Claire: SLOW DOWN BEFORE YOU HURT MY BAYBEE!!!!!
Chris | Jul 1, 2008 6:03:01 AM | #These are hilarious. Wish I was creative enough to think of one but I enjoy reading everyone elses. Keep them coming.
kelster | Jul 1, 2008 6:08:35 AM | #Agreed. Stellar suggestions!
Ryan | Jul 1, 2008 6:15:48 AM | #You got me! I thought what episode is "no direction home" -- how could I have missed it. It was only half-way through the comments that I'd realized that I'd been had!
Sorry, I'm a math teacher, and I haven't one creative thought in my brain -- only analytical ones. So I pass on todays assignment!
Debra | Jul 1, 2008 6:30:37 AM | #Nope! Debra, cop out!!
I'm a Payroll Manager. I do math all day long so, that's no excuse!!!
Just kidding. Think of something your favorite LOST character does or says and see if you can apply that to the rules of the road. LOLOLOL!!!! Your post may be the funniest. Hey, you never know.
Chris | Jul 1, 2008 6:49:47 AM | #Mrs. Btrwrth:
Please heed the buttery, yellow yield sign on your left. Oh Dear, that billboard is covering my face!!
Chris | Jul 1, 2008 7:07:42 AM | #Am I the only one who thinks of Lost when they see the commercial with Mrs. Butterworth.
When you make a wrong turn, Sawyer can say, "Hey, Odysseus, we want to make it home in our lifetime."
harry | Jul 1, 2008 8:01:44 AM | #When your GPS system guides you into a lake (a la The Office)
Charlie: Guys.... where ARE we?
Diana | Jul 1, 2008 8:14:59 AM | #Now I'm imagining first-person interviews in lieu of flashbacks during Lost. You know, Ben just chillin' by the big bank of monitors inside the Hydra, making awkward statements about Juliet. And then doing the Jim wide-eyed look, only 167% more terrifyingly.
Ryan | Jul 1, 2008 9:57:25 AM | #Enter the DP GPS (dual personality GPS):
JACK: You *are* going to get to your destination.
LOCKE: You can't get leave here. have an orange...let's play backgammon ...
(teach me to blog comment when I'm supposed to be working. :(...bother, work just gets in the way sometimes!) Sorry for extra, confusing word.
SHOULD HAVE said:
LOCKE: You can't leave here. have an orange...let's play backgammon.
djc | Jul 1, 2008 11:50:23 AM | #Sorry for the Shannon abusing of late, but I can't help myself.
When you first punch in the coordinates for your destination:
First Season Shannon: Yeah, sure, right, I know that's where YOU wanna go, but what about MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!??
Re: Debra's chosen profession, I hear ya about math teachers and such being all logic, little creativity (which in a lot of circumstances is quite refreshing, really), as a former college roommate and good friend is a computer science major who literally hacks into corporate databases so that he can show them what's wrong with their security. He has absolutely no creativity AT ALL. Give him a logical type of video game, and he'd beat every high score in the arcade; something along the lines of Kung Fu Fighter, on the other hand...*SPLAT*
Anyway, just for you, Debra-- for mathematically-inclined individuals who just want to know how many miles they've traveled:
VO of The Computer from the original Star Trek: 4...8...15...16...etc, etc.
:P
Dark Disciple | Jul 1, 2008 1:51:40 PM | #How about when you are hopelessly lost and confused so you push the "emergency help" button (OK - so I made up the button) and you hear Jin say: 유감스러운, 당신은 절망적으로 상실됩니다.
Rickster | Jul 1, 2008 4:27:25 PM | #Do we really want to know the translation of that particular bit of Korean, Rickster? :P
Dark Disciple | Jul 1, 2008 6:19:27 PM | #
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