'America's Next Top Model' recap: Booch Your Tookie

By Zap2it Partner

December 1, 2011 6:31 AM ET

We're down to the final four! In case you're wondering, Angelea is still mad about how all the hating-ass bitches ganged up on her. She is very persistent in her anger, at the least. The ladies learn that they have to write an "audition" blog for Franca Sozzani, who oversees the Vogue Italia empire including vogue.it, for which the ultimate winner will write as part of her prize package. Their assignment is to choose an outfit, find an inspiring spot in which to take photos, and write a post that includes said photos. They have drivers and translators at their disposal, and have to say where they'd like to be taken for their various photo ops. Angelea wants to go to the ghetto, Allison asks to find an abandoned building, Laura would like to find a boat dock, and Lisa requests that the driver go to the place where he'd take his girlfriend to make love. Does she really have to be so grody all the time? The girls snap their photos and head back to the house, but have limited time to write their blogs. Nigel comes and collects what they've done so far, and ships it to Franca. She declares Angelea the winner for her blog about fashion, graffiti, and the mean streets. Lisa scoffs. Angelea's reply? "Hate on, bitches."

Meanwhile, the girls head to their supersized "motion editorial" slash purgatorial advertisement for Tyra Banks' new memoir, Modelland. Tyra herself will direct. She explains that Modelland is all about how she, when she was a teenager named Tookie (yes, I just said Tookie), attended a modeling school on top of a mountain. In chapter after chapter we follow Tyra/Tookie on her journey of embracing her own unique beauty, and realizing that learning to love yourself (and smizing! And a touchable booty!) is the greatest love of all. Each of the final four models will play a different version of Tookie, in some sort of outlandish outfit. The shoot will last for two days, and the final motion editorial will be shown over the course of two panels. That's how long it is!

So, the motion editorial shoot. I have not yet read Modelland, though a kind and hilarious friend did get it for me as a birthday present. If I had, I might understand what words such as "Chapter 36: All Hail Creamy" mean. Basically, the models all run around in dresses looking deranged. At one point, Laura has to spray whipped cream directly in her mouth, which does not help with the "too sexy" thing one bit. They might as well have had her use a Shake Weight. Allison again has problems with her vampire eyes, and also wears a cat costume, and then kind of bobs around a blood orange for a while. I don't know. Angelea has to film an emotional scene that has something to do with self-worth, which makes her cry. Tyra tells her to let it out, and put it into the scene. Acting!

» Read the full recap at Television Without Pity

Provided by