'American Idol' recap: Who's Afraid of the Play About the Ladies

Scene 1: The Guys were from Mars, the Girls are from Mars.

(That useless voice introduces the Judgery. Jennifer is dressed like a superhero, Randy is dressed like that guy that used to hold the umbrella for that rapper, Steven is a crusty some more. Your Top Five of both genders will be in the Top 12, so presumably the Judgery will rescue two of each. Timeframe being what it is, who knows who those Two Guys will be. I can't judge because I love all of them; my only hope is that Jovany will eat it because who cares about Jovany. Sorry, but come on.)

(Seacrest makes a scripted joke about his height that so screams Vilanch Ruins All Things that he actually must discuss how dumb the joke is.)

Seacrest: "Who cares about the girls this year?"

Lopez: "Not even me. This s*** is stupid."

Seacrest: "This is about America Deciding, right?"

Jackson: "Well Ryan, this is about America Deciding. They should listen to the people sing, and then make a decision, and then Decide. Americally."

Seacrest: "That's so true, Randy. Let's talk about it for a long, long time."

Jackson: "Done."

Seacrest: "Who gives a s*** about Steven Tyler?"

Gross Aged Whores: "We do!"

Seacrest: "Won that round, b******."

Scene 2: The Children are Introduced. Sandinista sets the Tone.

(Tatynisa is the one that can sing, Naima is the one with all the problems, Kendra Chantelle is the one whose problem is right there in her names, Rachel rules and is nuts, Karen is so adorable some more at various ages like Portrait Of Jenny, Old Lauren is Old, Ashthon might just throw down, Julie Z por vida, Somebody somebody, Thia is little, Lauren A is the one we like, Pia is the one that's a Hefner candidate but nobody told her she should be blonde or that there's a war on. Yay for a bunch of girls that pretty much don't matter.)

(Ta-Tynisa decides to make her name even stu-pider. Then she effs up that song about being the only Rihanna in the room. She does this in a cute skirt that she does not use to its greatest effect, and also while singing like she's just won a marathon. On the one hand, this is a singing competition and yet you're managing to make a great song suck plus fighting your awesome backup singer; on the other hand, you just won a marathon. Ta-Ta, Ta-Ta-Ta. Boomdeay.)

Tyler: "That was just fine."

Lopez: "I'm glad you stopped singing. I hope you enjoyed you stopping as much as I did. There were parts where you didn't totally Ta-Tim-Timmy this one."

Jackson: "I disagree with everybody because I think I'm new Simon. Crowd, please boo."

Everybody: "Well, okay. We're idiots."

Jackson: "On the other hand, I'm actually right."

Everybody: "Are we still booing? Do we shoot ourselves now? Tell us, Randy."

Jackson: "That was bull****, you guys. Give me a break."

Seacrest: "Because Randy Jackson is fat, we like Ta-Tynisa."

Jackson: "Even I can discern how dumb that is."

America: "And yet."

Scene 3: for naima girls who have considered naima when naima is enuf.

(After a big problem with Dwayne Wayne's feelings about women, they take Cousin Pam back to talk to Dr. and Mrs. Huxtable, who set her straight about our heritage and her own personal pride. Later, Naima Adepapo makes her own dress -- canary yellow, gorgeous -- and realizes she can do bad all by herself. She needs neither his regular glasses nor does she need his sun. She will be singing "Summertime," and why? Let's talk about it forever.)

(Naima cleans a toilet, Naima dresses like the entire cast of Rachel Getting Married some more, Naima sings an actually fun version of "Summertime" that has a discernable melody. Turns out this song is awesome if you play it at regular LP speed and not 45. Also, turns out Naima is just about full-on sexy. She tailors for her ass the way most people tailor for basic clothing reasons. From some angles, she has Winehouse Mouth. Not her fault. Love this girl. She knows how to fix songs that were born broken.)

Lopez: "You're like an exotic flower in a regular flower garden."

Naima: "that is what my name/ means."

Jackson: "You are neither Fantasia nor Casey Abrams."

Naima: "i have a vagina/ for starters."

Tyler: (Sounds. Noises.)

Naima: "i found god in myself/ and i loved her/ i loved her fiercely."