'Bachelor Pad' premiere: Elizabeth, Michelle somehow even crazier
On the "Bachelor Pad" series premiere, Elizabeth and Michelle show us how crazy they've gotten since they were on "The Bachelor." It's a shame two women didn't have to go home and I say that with great dislike for several of the men on the show.Okay, gang -- I have to confess right up front that I'm over-the-moon excited about this show. It's like the isolation, competition of "Big Brother" coupled with 20 crazypants, incredibly good-looking contestants. I mean, the intro talks about how beautiful everybody is and it's like -- seriously. Well, at least for the women. Some of the guys are not that cute.
But isn't this going to be just such a trainwreck show? And I mean that in very affectionate way. Let's jump right in!
The contestants are Tenley (Jake's season), Jesse B. (Ali), Natalie (Jason), David (Jillian), Gwen (Aaron), Jessie (Jake), Jonathan (Ali), Nikki (Jason), Juan (Jillian), Wes (Jillian), Krisily (Charlie), Elizabeth (Jake), Jesse K. (Jillian), Kiptyn (Jillian), Ashley (Jake), Peyton (Andy), Michelle (Jake), Gia (Jake) and Craig (Ali).
Just for the record -- Gwen's age is listed as ??, but she's 40. She was on "The Bachelor" 10 years ago and she was 30 at the time, so ... it's kinda weird that ABC thinks we all can't do math.
First Impressions
I love how excited Tenley and Natalie are to see each other. It's awesome that Nikki and Juan had a one-night stand because the awkwardness is funny.. I'm disappointed David and Craig are in the cast -- I think they're both big jerks and not in that fun way. They're both just jerks. Sorry. But I understand why they were invited.
I love that most of the people are from Jason Mesnick's season on because that's when I started watching and I know most of these people. Wes says he is single this time -- because his girlfriend dumped his ass after "The Bachelorette"? I hope so. I do not prefer Elizabeth as a blonde, it takes away from her striking eyes.
I want Kiptyn and Tenley to get married and have a million beautiful, sweet babies. They can be friends with Ali and Roberto down in San Diego and I'll just be all a-flutter. Wes saying Michelle is the girl you have to watch out for because she'll chop your thing off is priceless. What is the slobbering over Gia? I don't actually see it, she does not do it for me. I think there are several girls in the house hotter than her.
The Rules
Each week is a competition. The winner receives a rose and it means you are safe from elimination and you get to have an intimate date with the girls or guys of your choice (uh, plural?). It also turns out guys vote off girls and girls vote off guys. Niiiice. Chris also warns them that at some point they will even out the numbers of guys vs. girls, which is 8 to 11 at the start. He then brings out Melissa Rycroft as the co-host.
Jonathan talking-heads about if he "starts hooking up" with the girls, it could screw up his chance to get to the next round. Uh, don't count your chickens, Weatherman. The contestants find out they're sleeping in a camp-like bunk bed room, which is hilarious.
Out by the pool, the girls pow-wow and decide that Craig M. is the first to go. They don't like him, they don't like how he treated Jonathan and if he doesn't win, they're voting him out. I love those girls, how smart of them!
The Challenge
A giant Twister board is in the yard. Tenley's adorably excited about how flexible she is -- except she's the second person out because she doesn't know her right from her left. When they're at the final seven, it's one woman and six dudes. Wow. Chris asks the girls who they want to not win and Elizabeth totally dimes them out and says Craig.
Predictably, the final four includes Craig. Ugh, I hope he doesn't win. It's Jessie, Craig, Jesse B. Juan -- and Jesse B. and Juan are immediately out because they don't know their right from their left. *Head smack* Jessie makes a deal with Craig that whoever wins takes the other one on the reward date. And then Craig wins. Ugh, seriously? They all let a 34-year-old dude who was probably weighed down by his massive mane of hair win at Twister?
Craig's Choice
Craig is not at all letting his win go to his -- sorry, I can't even finish typing that. He approaches Elizabeth for a chat and she basically dares him to invite her on the date so he can try to win her over.
In the night, there is some smacking heard in the bunk bed room. Who is hooking up? In the morning, David starts asking around and then Tenley swears it was Michelle and Craig M. Oh, ew. EW. That is ... so gross. The bushy-haired gigolo and the boil-your-bunny crazypants girl. Yuck. Michelle denies it, but everybody believes Tenley because she's so sweet and (presumably) honest.
The Date
The date card arrives and Craig chooses Jessie, Gwen and Elizabeth. Good for him for picking Gwen, who definitely seems out of place. They go to the beach and after awhile, Craig and Elizabeth take some alone time. Elizabeth is totally flirty with him in that gross, crazypants way she deals with men -- seriously, she is too much.
After the beach, they go to the Greek and Melissa is there with a rose. Craig has to choose one lady to continue on (and who will also be safe). He give the rose to Jessie. You can tell that upon not receiving a rose, Elizabeth is trying to light him on fire using only the power of her stare. The rest of the date is a live concert by The Calling, which would have been cool if this was 2001.
Unsurprisingly, Elizabeth says Craig didn't win her over because he didn't give her the rose. She is so full of herself and cuckoo, I'm embarrassed I even liked her at the start of Jake's season.
You know that Blackberry commercial where the girl is like, "If you read my BBM and don't answer, I know you didn't. I love that." She's like a crazy stalker, why are they holding this up as a good thing?!
Meanwhile ...
Natalie and Jesse B. have a romantic night together talking by the fire and then making out, while Juan and Gia talk uber-strategy and how they should break those two up already. I like the gamers, folks. They're fun.
When Elizabeth and Gwen return, Jesse K. wants to do some damage control with Elizabeth and how she practically peed on his leg to stake her claim on him. He's very straightforward with her about how he's here for the money. So she naturally busts out the crazypants "I'm in love with you" talk and the passive-aggressive "You didn't ask me how my date was" stuff. Elizabeth, this is why guys think women are INSANE. Just stop talking, you lunatic. She says she doesn't have to whore herself out to win the money -- well, I would call your flirtatious relationship with Craig on the date kind of doing that, Elizabeth. He's gross.
Elizabeth then threatens Jesse by saying that she has a lot of female friends in the house and that if he doesn't do what she wants, it could have negative consequences for him. Oh. My. Lord. She is ridiculous and out of control.
David reassures Jesse that all he has to do is let the guys know and they'll vote her out. I think that is the best move -- she is being crazy and needy and desperate and abused-womany (not like he abuses her, you know what I mean) and it's gross to watch.
Meanwhile, Michelle is jealous she wasn't on the date and she's also mad at Tenley for starting the rumor about her and Craig. So Michelle confronts Tenley by shutting the two of them in the bathroom together, not letting Tenley out and calling her not-nice words.
So Tenley goes off crying. It's hard to tell what Tenley is talking about because she's doing that silent-cry-talk thing that girls do. But she has the whole house a-buzz about "stupid Michelle" who hurt her feelings. And since Tenley, like, gets her hair braided by cartoon animals in the morning, I'm sure she'll get all the boys to vote Michelle out. And that's fine because Michelle is a weirdo, but Tenley may also be overreacting just a touch.
Elimination Station
Juan is scrambling because of his past with Nikki, so he's kissing up and trying to apologize. Krisily is working on the girls, talking about voting out the most athletic guys because they're threats. So Natalie runs to Dave to spill and he gets worried, so now he thinks the guys should send Krisily home instead of Michelle.
Meanwhile, Elizabeth is talking to the girls about how Jesse K. treated her and how she's in love with him and he's not in love with her ("in love"? really?). But then after she gets some girls on her side, she runs to Jesse K. to use it as a manipulation tactic. She tells him to act like he really cares about her and to apologize and say he's in love with her. She is ... wow. That is some master manipulation and passive-aggressive treachery. Holy. Cow. I hope she watches this and is embarrassed at how pathetic she is acting.
The girls are getting all self-righteous about what Jesse K. supposedly did to Elizabeth. What, he hooked up with her and she got too attached? Yeah, that's totally his fault. *eye roll*
Michelle is confident she's staying, while the editing shows us guy after guy voting for her. Craig lies right to her face that he didn't vote her out, which he totally did.
Rose Ceremony
Chris and Melissa come out and remind us that Jessie and Craig are safe, then hand out roses to Gia, Jesse B., Peyton, Kiptyn, Tenley, Nikki, Ashley, David, Natalie, Wes, Gwen, Elizabeth and Jonathan. The final two on each side comes down to Juan/Jesse K. and Michelle/Krisily. I hope the roses go to Krisily and Juan -- Michelle is a bit scary and Jesse K. needs to get away from crazy Elizabeth.
Unfortunately, while Krisily does stay, Juan does not. That's fine, but Jesse K. needs to be careful. It's interesting that the girls went so strongly with Nikki. I wonder if there was more to Juan than just the Nikki thing, like other reasons they voted him out? I wish they revealed the vote totals. Michelle's elimination limo ride is scarily calm, like she's secretly plotting how to kill Tenley.
Next week: The Insiders and the Outsiders. Be cool, Soda Pop.
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Photo credit: ABC
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This was about the funniest thing I have ever read. Thank you for reading my brain and publishing a honest and hilarious response to the show! LOL
I've been watching The Bachelor(ette) since the first season, but made up my mind to skip this spinoff when I saw that it was going to include some of the creepiest ex-contestants EVER. And, judging by this blog, it's the train wreck that I thought it was going to be.
I hope this show bombs, and the producers will think twice before giving their least sympathetic characters another 15 minutes of fame.
i have to admit i giggled with excitement when i heard this show was coming on the air.
and i agree, tenley may have overreacted a little. but seriously - michelle is crazy. on the other hand. you have to appreciate a person who is not psycho enough to keep it to herself and lets her psycho out there for all to see. that takes guts.
on the other hand elizabeth is a crazy manipulative b***h. and she looks horrible with blonde hair. unless she was trying to look like more of a *****. in which case. congratulations! you have won the who looks most like a porn star portion of bachelor pad.
no wonder jesse k wants nothing to do with her but is clearly terrified to outright tell her. talk about crazy. she has michelle beat.
and i do want tenly and kiptyn to fall in love, make lots of babies and be bffs with ali and roberto also. those two. so adorable separately but together it's like hello kitty would have nothing on them.
i think i made it about 25 minutes in and then i had to quit watching...i just couldnt tough it out. Too many attention-desparate fake wannabee's.
who of these people am i supposed to care about?
I found maybe one of these women attractive. the rest were just trying too hard. And look like they spend way too much time at the spa.
But at least i watched long enough to watch wes deliver the best bachelor line EVER, "shes the kind of girl where if you sleep with her, you gotta worry she might cut your thing off." awesomme line!!
"jeff in h'ottawa " - actually Weatherman got in a good one at the end about Michelle. He said, after she was eliminated, "It's hard to pin a rose on a straightjacket". Heeheeheee!
OMG, Andrea....You're hilarious!!!
PLEASE continue posting each week!
Could the rules be any simpler? It seems rather complicated for some of these folks
this show is great for the teenage boys! lots of gratuitous *****, a$$ and crotch shots.
I'm simultaneously glad I'm not watching this show AND glad I have your recap to read!