'The Hills': Double dating and playa-hating

Kristin and Brody meet up to suck down pints at some d-bag frat bar. Brody says he's dating around and fishes for intel on whether Kristin is. She says she isn't, so he smirks, "Only me?" She shoots back, "Who said we were dating?" He drops the news that he's going on a date with "a friend... that I met." Yeah, sounds like a real chum. She says then she must be able to date, too, and he's all, "I don't give a f***." So she says she will start dating, then, but she didn't want to "hurt [his] feelings." So there! God, isn't this supposed to be not who Kristin is? At least LC didn't have her desperation so out there like this. It's just eighth-grade embarrassing. He reminds her that he has no intention to be in a relationship. Been there, done that, right? Credits.

Audrina's house. Audrina tells Gel-ly Ripa that she's got more plans for him to hang out with her "friends." He groans. He's obviously gotten the number on these people and doesn't want any part of their idiotic antics. And yet?! Why is he on this show. Don't tell me it's because he can't go one moment without Audrina's sparkling conversation. Because even LC kept an entire relationship off the cameras -- as is Whitney Port on "The City" -- as is Brody in the second half of "The City," then. They jabber about how one day there will be a utopia when all the D-listers can hang out without the dramatics. Until then, Ryan will be waiting at home in his candy thong, reading "The Catcher in the Rye." He actually supplied that last flight of fancy. Because believe you me, I would not be subjecting you to visions of that butterface in skimpy undies. Shudder. Anyhow, nothing happened in that scene, save that Gel-ly espouses not to like the very people he's pegging his pathetic adult contemporary pop comeback on. Great strategy there, bud. Neither smart nor amusing, a real winner!

Meanwhile, Lo and ShePratt stroll down Melrose Place. ShePratt claims that she's meant to do more in this life than AA meetings and early nights in. Now that she's gotten her self-esteem to almost functional levels, she thinks she's ready for a man to bat it back down again. Lo says her boyfriend has a friend, and she's happy to set up a double date. The minute it comes out of her mouth, ShePratt flips that this guy won't be comfortable with her sobriety. At which point you know ShePratt is definitely not ready to date. If she were comfortable with herself -- sobriety and all -- she'd just let it rip. Instead, she zeroed in on instant neuroses that are completely independent of this person. Lo reminds her that anyone who can't deal with someone else staying sober might have problems themselves and isn't good enough for her. But it's beyond ridiculous. Clearly ShePratt doesn't really want to date. She just wants someone to revive the drama that's missing in her life. Spencer's too mean, and she's court mandated to be boring, so what'll it be? Boyfriend it is!

That night, Audrina heads over to Kristin's house for some white whine and popcorn. All the better to enjoy (perhaps enhance) the drama! They discuss their respective relationships -- or lack thereof. Audrina, secure in her showmance with Frank LanGELla, warns Kristin to be on guard about Brody and his playboy ways. They agree they act like a couple when they're out and have crazy chemistry, but it's still not wise to get attached. Showing how indifferent she is(n't), Kristin decides to call Brody right then and there.

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