'The Biggest Loser': Taking life by the longhorns

"The Biggest Loser" heads to Texas, where everything is bigger but not necessarily better.

Alison Sweeney hardly ever brings good news, but for some reason, the contestants were all pretty excited to go to Texas. Perhaps they're getting a little bit of cabin fever at the ranch. Once they get to Dallas, they make it their mission to tell the entire population that they're out to do good deeds. Everyone goes on local radio stations to rally a bunch of people to join them for a 5K. But don't forget to swing by Walgreens for all your nutritional needs!

So the next day the Cotton Bowl is the setting for the 5K, which turns out to be a first for most people there including the contestants. Each player has a team wearing their designated colors. Once the race starts, most of the contestants hang back with their teams and learn about their personal weight-loss journeys. Well, everyone but Daris. He took off like a lightning bolt and finished in, like, 21 minutes. Which is actually really, really good... especially for a beginner and someone who just dropped 150 pounds or so. He was going for a Personal Record and everything, but it was still funny to see him ditch his team. Everyone finishes at their own pace, with the last person crossing the finish line at over two hours. Ali makes a speech about continuing the journeys, etc.

Meanwhile, Bob Harper has come to town and heads to a local 24 Hour Fitness to kick some people's butts. Half of them look terrified. He pretty much storms around the gym and commands people to do squats whether they like it or not! Then he has an open forum and lets people ask him questions. This was the funny part. One lady has a hundred pounds to lose and is trying to find her motivation... but the next lady was like "How do I lose those last five pounds?!" and the overweight people looked like they wanted to sit on her. Over at the hotel, those "teammate-less" people decide to climb 30 flights of stairs. Mike, Ashley, and Daris have an alliance which seems to be pretty strong.

Finally, it's time for the challenge. And it's pretty ridiculous. Ali's dressed in a cowgirl costume and explains that they'll be corralling calves into pens. The person who collects the most baby bulls will win the immunity. What followed was a Benny Hill-type situation where everyone was running around and falling down. It was like a silent movie. Of course Sunshine puts all her cattle into O'Neal's pen, Sam gives Koli all his, and because he was already a lost cause, Mike gives his calves to Daris. It was a close game but Koli managed to win at the very last second. Please, producers, can we never see a challenge like this again? Thanks.

Now it's Jillian Michaels' turn to spread cheer. She goes to a local high school with Abby from BL past and tries to give the teens a pep talk. What happened next was kind of sad. A heavy girl stands up and tells Jill that pretty much everyone there has picked on her at some point. Jill tells the girl to tell everyone else to STFU and to start losing some weight.

This week's last chance workout was actually pretty intense. They're getting to be in pretty good shape by now, so Bob and Jill have to amp up the workouts in order to see results. They could barely breathe by the end of it. Sunshine and O'Neal, however, missed it completely. They went back home for the funeral. As it turns out, this workout would have been pretty beneficial to them.

In the freezing cold outside the American Airlines Center, the weigh-in begins. It's a good thing Koli has immunity because he only lost a pound. (That is, if you actually believe that and don't think he totally cheated and watered down... which he probably did.) Mike totally kicked everyone's butts this week. He lost fifteen freaking pounds! Fifteen! That's pretty awesome, especially for being on the road. Falling below the yellow line are the father-daughter duo Sunshine and O'Neal. Let the waterworks begin. Finally Sunshine lets her father fall on the sword for once. I was scared she'd cry about how much he needs to be there, but she must have realized he's not really in trouble anymore. O'Neal pretty much forces everyone to vote him off - or else. Back home, he can finally tie his own shoes! I guess that's one of life's little luxuries.

Next week: MAKEOVERS! It's about time.