'The Bachelor': Rozlyn Papa and Chris Harrison Thunderdome

"The Bachelor: Women Tell All" reunion is the most illuminating, amazing two hours of TV you have ever. Seen. In. Your. Entire. Life. Or at least that's what Chris Harrison would have you believe.

Are you guys ready for an episode that sounds like it contains crazy fireworks and fighting? Part of me is excited and part of me is mad I have to watch any part of it, let alone two freakin' hours.

Opening Segment
During the previews, did Chris Harrison call the Rozlyn thing "the most dramatic television scandal of 2010"? Let's not get carried away here. Oh wait, it's "The Bachelor." That what they do! We now have to relive the entire season via a clip show while Jake and Chris have bro-time. Forgive me if I don't recap the recap.

Did you see the commercial for "Chat Roulette?" The voiceover goes, "So who's using this website and why?" I'm going to go out on a limb and say, "Mostly pervs."

"Bachelor" Cast Reunions
Jesse from DeAnna's season calls it "like a fraternity." That looks about right. There are a lot of people shown whom I don't recognize because DeAnna's season was my first season of this show. I'm pretty pumped for the supposed "Big Brother"-esque "Bachelor" show coming this summer, just as an aside.

Nikki "Crazy Eyes" is there. This is like a "Real World/Road Rules" competition show without the competition. Ugh, Wes is there. Hope your shots are up to date, ladies. Kiptyn and Sean are there?! Oh, fellas. I liked you so much on Jillian's season.

As we go to break, Harrison calls Rozlyn, "The most controversial television figure of 2010." OH MY GOD. Are they allowed to do this because we've only just started 2010? Is that how they feel comfortable making these sweeping declarations?

"The Bachelor" Gives Back?
The "Bachelor" rejects are working with fifth-graders to paint murals. I was going to say, "I hope the rejects aren't tutoring the fifth-graders in anything because frankly ... I think you could reverse that in some cases." Hey, Michael from Jillian's season! Jerry O'Connell's brother! A bunch of cute little kids! What's not to love?

Now we see Chris and Jake give supplies to a school in St. Lucia and then Chris Harrison gives the Red Cross $10,000 on the "Ellen DeGeneres Show." Shayne! Is that Shayne "Leave it to" Llamas? Hey, Juan is there! I love how Wes is banging chicks on the "Bachelor" reunion and Juan is working at a food bank. Man code, indeed. Hey, Shayne is stealing a little girl! Stop her! Oh wait, she's just holding her. Okay, fine.

I love how the reunion was followed by the philanthropy. It's like, "Hey, here's the booze-fueled sex romp the rejects go on, but it's okay because here's where we help kids!" In fact, I might go so far as to say, "That's the most dramatic juxtaposition of scenes so far in 2010!"

The Women
We finally get to the "women" portion of "Women Tell All." It looks like everybody who made it past the first night is there, plus Channy (landing strip girl). In a clip package, they make us relive Cuckoo Michelle (complete with her *crickets chirping* comedy routine).

There is a hilarious montage of Tenley and how everybody thinks she's a Disney princess come to life. Gia comments, "She s***s rainbows" and Vienna says, "She might dream in cartoon." Okay, Vienna and Gia just went up 20 points in my book. Why didn't they show those during the season? High-larious! Also: Totally. Tenley is like "Enchanted," only real.

Rozlyn comes up and the girls pipe up about it. Gia says she was not in their bedroom at night. Ashleigh then says several of them saw inappropriate things in the house, cuddling and kissing on the forehead. Well, "cuddling" and "forehead kissing" do not equal "sexual relationship" and that would jibe with what Rozlyn is maintaining.

Jessie then pipes up with the fact that she saw Rozlyn and the producer lying on the stairs making out. Uh, why is NOW the first time you're bringing this up? And if this is true, there are cameras everywhere! How is there no footage of this? Ella then says one night Rozlyn got down on all fours, put her butt in the air and said to send the producer in to "put her to bed." Ummm, good lord.

Honestly, I don't really buy this. Did Rozlyn cuddle and get kisses on the forehead from a producer? That I'll buy, and that's not appropriate behavior at all. But I do not think she's the Hester Prynne they are making her out to be and if she is, then where's the proof? Where's the footage? This is a reality show, and you're telling me they have no footage of this illicit affair? Or of Rozlyn's butt-in-the-air preening? Hmph. I will go so far as to say that this "lack of footage"is the most controversial part of this most controversial scandal of the decade. See me in 2019 and you'll see I was right.

Gia's Segment
As they go to the clip montage, Gia says, "Oh my god, my heart's beating already." Good to know her heart's beating. She's so beautiful, I thought she might be a vampire. After her montage, she talks about regretting that she never really opened up all the way to Jake. There's a whole bunch of other stuff, but it's boring. Gia's kinda boring, y'all. Sorry.

Michelle's Segment
Okay,she's not actually Bellevue crazy, but she's certainly unstable to some degree. In the studio she's insisting she wasn't playing games (false) and that she doesn't need a therapist (false). Michelle says this show wasn't a way to find love and Ali takes offense with that. Ali fell in love, and she saw the down time when she wasn't with Jake as a chance to get to know the women on the show. Ali rocks. I like Ali and Tenley so much, I want them to be joint Bachelorettes. They're friends outside the show -- it could work!

The women and Michelle argue about whether Michelle is emotional and a little unstable; it's not that interesting. You're lucky the men with the butterfly nets didn't storm the show and cart you away, Michelle.

Ali's Segment
She looks great with the longer hair and the darker shade, just btw. She tells Harrison that she misses Jake and she believed that if it was really love, they'd find their way back to each other. That jibes with what she told us. They are setting her up perfectly to be the next Bachelorette and I'm on board with that. She expresses regret for what she said about Vienna and says everybody needs to lay off her. Ali also says knowing what she knows now, she would've chosen Jake.

Rozlyn's Segment
Chris first wants to clear the air about it being Rozlyn vs. Chris and says he has no ill will toward her. Okay, fine. He then asks her what is true "in her mind." She met the producer when he came to her hometown for an interview before the show. She says the friendship started then and that nothing physical ever happened before or during the show.

Rozlyn says she thought the inappropriate behavior was that the producer let her use his phone to call her son. Ella and Valishia say they could talk to their kids whenever they wanted, and Valishia says that's separate from the producer issue. Rozlyn then says "absolutely nothing" physical happened in the house. She adds that she wants to know all about the is "physical relationship" they claim she had.

You know what I think? I think it amounts to cuddling and forehead kisses and ABC won't specify that that's what it is because it sounds weak. Rozlyn won't back down off her "nothing happened" because it then sounds like she's guilty, even if those behaviors were totally innocent and nothing more than friendly.

The fact of the matter is that crew members are NOT allowed to have that kind of relationship with the show subjects on ANY show. It's the rules on "Survivor," "Real World," "Amazing Race" -- any competition show. So any cuddling or phone-borrowing is wrong, and Rozlyn should have been removed for that. The problem is she should've just said that that's what happened. Her maintaining that "nothing happened" makes her look guilty, because why would they kick her off if "absolutely nothing" really happened? On the other hand, ABC should not be making her out to be some kind of ho-bag. I think I will go out on a limb and say this is the most tiresome and eye-roll-inducing "scandal" of the millennium!

When we come back, the other women lay into Rozlyn about her touching the producer's thigh and her kissing him. Rozlyn's reaction rings false. Her expressions are vaudevillian in their exaggeration. Rozlyn needs to just come clean and stop acting so innocent because it makes it look so much worse than it probably actually was.

Valishia has her piece now and says she and Rozlyn became friends (which is what Rozlyn said). Valisha says she woke up at 4 a.m. one night when she was sick and went looking for Rozlyn but couldn't find her. Well, that's not proof of anything.

Rozlyn brings up my point about there being no footage of this "scandal," and Chris says they don't shoot he women 24/7. Hmm. Rozlyn says now that she and the producer have remained friends. Chris then says there's a "mountain of evidence," and Rozlyn points out that just because somebody says it doesn't make it so. Totally true. And I don't think there's a "mountain" of evidence. Rozlyn then claims the producer says he and Chris are not friends and that Harrison hit on the producer's wife in New Zealand.

Harrison wraps up the segment with saying that he has no ill will toward Rozlyn, and he hopes she learns a life lesson from this and will become a better person. I feel like I can say that Chris Harrison is the smuggest, smarmiest, most condescending person in the history of the universe! (Sorry, I'm just keeping with the "Bachelor" theme.)

Jake's Segment
He says that when he said goodbye to Gia, his "heart was crying." What does that even mean? That sounds a little gross. Kathryn says she didn't get a chance. Well, you were kinda cuckoopants with your fake fiancee, and you're also kinda weird-looking, so maybe the spark just wasn't there. Move on, sweetie. Don't get choked up 3 months later at the reunion special. Jake says he wishes he had had more time to get to know Christina and he says some really nice things about her. Awww.

Outtakes
Chris Harrison sings "On the Wings of Love" and does a stewardess schtick. Jake makes a poop joke and does the "Flashdance" thing in the shower. Tenley then scares the crap out of Gia by hiding in a trunk. Okay, that was hilarious. It's fun to watch the girls hang out together. Jake and Ella get heckled by some flamingos, Ali gets cat-called and Christina sees a mouse and makes the best face. Seriously, that was great.

Tenley vs. Vienna Montage
Okay, this is yet another clip montage. Not recapping it.

In the waning minutes, Chris Harrison declares that next week is so unforgettable that us viewers might just go blind at the splendor of it all.

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Related:

Rozlyn Papa talks to Ryan Seacrest about 'Women Tell All'
Go-to 'Bachelor' blogger Reality Steve tells all to Zap2it
'Bachelor: Women Tell All' preview
Ali Fedotowsky: 'It would be exciting' to be the next Bachelorette
Gia Allemand on Vienna: 'She's a great girl, I hope it's her'

Photo credit: ABC