'The Bachelor' in St. Lucia: Arrivederci, Gia. Too little, too late, Ali.

"The Bachelor" heads to St. Lucia, where Jake says ciao to Gia Allemand and no thanks to Ali Fedotowsky. We suspect they'll be okay.

Jake gets to St. Lucia and recaps what he likes about each woman because we have two hours to fill, you see, and there's only about 45 minutes of actual content to show.

Ali check-in
Ali lies in bed and looks at publicity pictures of Jake that ABC gave her when they forced her to stage this "drama." That, or Ali found those pictures online, printed them out and is some kind of creepy stalker. Could go either way.

Gia's overnight date
In case you haven't heard, Gia not only has quite the scandalous past with MLB pitcher Carl Pavano, and apparently she may currently have a boyfriend. Anyway, they take a boat to a market. Jake drives the boat and Gia remarks that he's a good driver, whereas she "probably would've ended up in the Bermuda Triangle." Promises, promises, Gia.

After the market, Jake remarks that he wants to come back to St. Lucia on his honeymoon because it "would have a lot of meaning." Uh, totally. "Let's go back to that place where I took you and two other hot chicks, honey. No, I only used the 'Fantasy Suite' with you, sweetie. Hey, on a totally unrelated note, hand me the DVR remote, wouldya?"

That night they have dinner and Jake resorts to his "Gia's so beautiful" schtick. That seems to be all he's noticed about her (and just between you and me, she doesn't really do it for me). He also calls her "deep." What does that even mean? What evidence is there of that? Jake then shares about dreams, and Gia says she's never seen that side of him and he's "very deep." This is quite the meeting of the minds, folks.

Gia then says, "When I look into Jake's eyes, I get lost." Do you feel your spirits rise, Gia? And soar like the wind? A Fantasy Suite card is then delivered by dolphin. No, Jake has it in his pocket, but I wouldn't put it past ABC to work that out. Any takers that Gia turns down the Fantasy Suite? I didn't think so.

They hop into the giant tub in the suite and Jake says, "Gia has grabbed on to my heart so hard." I guess you could say Jake has a heart-on? We fade out as they make out in the bathtub. 

Tenley's overnight date
They kick off with a helicopter flight. I have to say, I'm always jealous of the cool things the girls get to do on these shows. The helicopter takes them to a picnic and they talk about marriage and still having a crush on your spouse 20 years down the line. It's cute, but Tenley keeps talking about her ex-husband. We know he was a cad -- we get it. If I took a drink every time Tenley said "my ex," I'd be wasted before the first hour was up.

They walk on the beach and smooch in the water, then they have wine at a fancy place called Le Sport. Jake is clearly buttering Tenley up for her to take the Fantasy Suite card. She brings up her marriage again and tells him how much it means that Jake gave her a chance and that her past is put to rest. Well, maybe we'd all believe that if you'd stop talking about it all the time.

They dance together for awhile (Tenley does her Jake Dance again) and then the Fantasy Suite card dances onto the table and does a soft-shoe. No, Jake pulls it out of his pocket again. Tenley says she wants every second she can get with Jake, so she's a yes for the suite. Jake says he can't wait to watch their first sunrise. Yeah, I'm sure that's what you're looking forward to the most.

Vienna's overnight date
Jake says he needs that "light, fun, immature side" today. I guess that's one way to look at it. They get to sail on the "Pirates of the Caribbean" ship, which is admittedly pretty sweet, but there is far too little pirate talk. I'd be busting that out all over the place.

They strip down and have a picnic on the bow, then climb the rigging into the crow's nest. Arrrr! If you choose Vienna, we'll keelhaul ye! Now swab de poopdeck, me hearty! They swim off the boat back to the shore and make out, all "From Here to Eternity." Jake calls her "nurturing." Uh, okay.

They go to dinner later and Jake says he needs to make sure he's not just attracted to her sexually. Vienna assures Jake she wants her husband to be her best friend. Jake then asks what kind of rings she likes. Wow. She knows she wants a thin band with a princess cut and a little "bling around the ring." She then asks if he could see her as his wife and he doesn't even hesitate to say yes. Oh boy.

Jake then has to remind Vienna that he has fallen for the other women too (I like to think Chris Harrison is standing off-camera with a hot poker, forcing Jake to remind us all that it's an even race between all the women so the drama is maximized). Vienna then says he's all she thinks about and that she's fallen in love with him.

Suddenly the Fantasy Suite card jumps on the table in full pirate garb and shouts, "Unhand the lass, ye scurvy cur!" Okay, no, it doesn't. Jake pulls it out of his pocket. Again. I like my ways better, though. They go back to the suite and Vienna surprises him with a sexy negligee (or as my astute viewing partner Melanie says, "puts on a nightie from the Jaclyn Smith line at Kmart") and then closes the door and locks it, implying a little sumpin'-sumpin'.

I always wonder just what happens in the Fantasy Suites. Did he sleep with any or all of the women? What do you guys think? I'm guessing yes on Gia and Vienna, no on Tenley.

Ali Drama
Ali calls. What a coincidence! She says she made the wrong choice and that she wants to come back. C'mon, Jake. Look how well that worked out for Jillian and Ed!

Jake hesitates, rubs his head [looks off-camera at the poker-wielding Chris Harrison for what to do]. Ali begs forgiveness and says she wants to come back, even if Jake sees her and sends her right back home. Jake says he's further along with the other women and he doesn't know who he could send home to have her back. She says her feelings are so much stronger than when she left and she was just scared and the decision she made has given her the most regret.

Jake gives the soundbite of "get on a plane, get here right now" (except with the added "I wish I could say" part), and he finally turns her down. She says she will forever regret the decision to leave. Oh, the humanity! Ali cries in a talking-head and we go to commercial without any music. Man, it's like when somebody important dies on "24" and there's no click of the clock.

Wanna bet Ali's the next Bachelorette? Me too.

Jake and Chris bro time
They rehash the dates. Since it's literally what we just watched for the past 90 minutes, I shall not be recapping the recap. He says he's "in love" with each of these women. Really, Jake? Really? IN LOVE? Hmph. Each woman recorded him a video message, which is just another schmoopy way to drag this show out. Sigh.

Videos
Tenley and her little girl voice make me think that it's very fitting she was a Disney princess for a couple years. Gia and her accent grate on my nerves. She stutters through her message like she's reading off cue cards. Sorry, but Gia is just not the brightest bulb on the bush, guys. Vienna says some stuff too, I don't really pay attention. I'm distracted by her hair that looks like a wig.

Rose Ceremony
Jake says some nice things, then gives the first rose to Tenley. Jake then pretends to struggle before he gives the second rose to Vienna. He takes Gia off alone before saying good-bye. She's very classy and says she's happy for him and that he has two great girls left.

Next Week: Rozlyn is back for the "Women Tell All." DUN DUN DUN!

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'Bachelor': Vienna topless calendar pic
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Photo credit: ABC