'The Bachelor': Ali pulls an Ed

"The Bachelor" goes for drama but ends up at mild surprise.

Tonight we get hometown dates. That's always fun because some girls have these awesome families that you want to adopt you -- and some ... well, let's just say that the cuckoopants doesn't fall far from the tree.

Gia in NYC
After a boat ride around Manhattan, Jake meets Gia's parents and brothers. Her mom grills him about dating four women and what makes Gia special? Jake says "she just has a way about her" and "it feels very organic." Way to placate the mom with something that means ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

Erick the brother wants someone who will treat her right. Or he'll be swimmin' wit da fishes. (Sorry. Their accents crack me up.) Gia and mom Donna talk alone, and Donna says she sees the love in Jake's eyes for Gia. Wow, that's a heavy assessment. Gia talking-heads that she wishes she'd listened to her mom more in the past. Hear that, girls? Moms -- not so dumb. Later, Erick actually says, "If I have to I'll hunt you down, break a few legs" in reference to Jake hurting Gia. Haha, there ya go. Play up that accent-fueled stereotype, that's what I was waiting for.

Ali in Williamstown, Mass.
Ali lives in San Fran now, but she grew up in Massachusetts so that's where they are now. It's really cute and picturesque. Ali first takes Jake to her grandma's house because the last time Ali was home was for her grandma's funeral and explains how her grandma was more of a mom for her. It's nice.

Jake gets to meet Ali's mom, brother and sister. Ali's mom did a little Internet research on Jake and thank god she found one of his schmoopy love quotes and, like, when he bawled his eyes out after ratting out Wes. Not his best moment.

Jake reassures the mom in one-on-one time that he's blown away by Ali and that family is really important to him. Mom reassures Jake that Ali is the happiest she's seen her in a long time and then later tells Ali that she can see the sparkle between them and she looks forward to planning a wedding.

Later when they're alone, Ali tells Jake that she wants to be there at the end and that if he asked her today, she would say yes. She doesn't say exactly what she would say yes to, but I would assume it's "Will you marry me?" Wow, that's quite a statement.

You know, as much as most Jared jewelry commercials are stupid (what's a 13-letter phrase for annoyance? "He went to Jared"), the proposal ones that air during "The Bachelor," where the guy really proposes to his girlfriend? Those are cute.

Tenley in Newberg, Ore.
They chat about Jake's family because Tenley has a little fear of a guy who lets someone else plan his life. Jake says the decisions are ultimately his, but he does run stuff by his family because his parents have good advice and he wants to be a team with his wife.

Tenley shows off her childhood dance studio -- awwww -- and she dances for him because it's such a part of her life. Double awww. It's to Pachebel's Canon in D and it's very pretty. She's certainly a talented dancer. If Tenley gets dumped, put her on "Dancing with the Stars"! She and Jake then dance together.

Jake gets to meet Tenley's parents and sister. They are the cutest! I love her mom!!! The dad and Jake chat about how they watched him on "The Bachelorette" and hoped Tenley would meet somebody like him. I wonder if that's true? Did her parents really watch "The Bachelorette"?

When Tenley and her dad talk alone, her dad gets choked up talking about Tenley's pain with her divorce and, gosh, is it a little dusty in here? Dads are great. *Sniffle* Her mom gets alone time with Jake and lets him ask the questions. He asks about whether Tenley would be willing to walk down the marriage road again after what happened and Tenley's mom assures him that Tenley isn't healed but that Tenley is a very different girl from the last time her mom saw her and that Tenley is amazing.

The last thing Jake does is ask Tenley's dad if he would approve if Jake asked Tenley to marry him. Did he do that for Gia or Ali? I don't think he did. Interesting. Her dad gives his approval but reminds Jake that it entails a lot of responsibility. Tenley ends the evening with a talking head where she says that her heart feels safe with Jake and she's falling in love with him.

Vienna in the swamp? Sanford, Fla.
Jake reviews for us that the Vienna he sees is different from what he hears from the other women. Like Wes, Jake? Vienna says she grew up "on the river" and I can't help but picture this in my head.

Jake meets Vienna's parents, sister and grandma. Vienna assures her dad that she has fallen so hard for Jake and she keeps getting choked up and telling us how she's such a daddy's girl. Sigh. There is such a difference between the way Tenley is with her dad and the way Vienna is with her dad, and I can't properly express the difference, but it's there. Tenley = good. Vienna = giving me the creeps.

At dinner, Jake tells Vienna's family about how the other women were "jealous" and were throwing Vienna under the bus. Oh really? It MUST be jealousy. Why can't a woman criticize another woman without it being jealousy? Were you jealous of Wes, Jake? You came BACK to complain about him; was it out of jealousy? Because he was so country and awesome with his "Love don't come easy" song? Make me puke.

Vienna and Jake make out on her bed and the dad comes in and says something about staying 10 inches apart or something. It's weird and very 7th grade (or 12th grade, if you're Jake. Oooh, SNAP!).

Back in Los Angeles
So did Jake only ask about marriage with Tenley's dad? Hmmm. Anyway, my money's on Gia leaving but then DUN DUN DUN. Ali is there and it's not good news. She has to choose between staying on the show and going back to work. To their credit, Jake looks genuinely crushed and Ali is crying. She wants his help in deciding. Man, that's a lot. That's like asking without asking if it's YOU as the final girl.

Jake says life is about minimizing regrets and that she has to weigh which one will be the bigger regret. Wow, that's good advice. Did they feed him that line? He says (admittedly, selfishly) that he wants her to stay and take a chance on him, but he can't guarantee he's going to put a ring on her finger, but he also can't guarantee that he's NOT going to, either. Yikes.

Can you imagine if this was for real and she really felt like he might be the one? (I'm not saying she doesn't, I'm just saying if that's how it is for her). That would be so hard. She tells Jake she'll let him know at the Rose Ceremony and then cries in the hallway.

Chris and Jake coffee talk
Jake says he wishes he could get down on one knee and tell Ali that she's the one, but he can't, so he can't ask her to stay. If she does stay, he says he'll be excited but the amount of pressure would be huge. Totally, dude. You'd HAVE to pick her or you're a total d-bag.

Rose Ceremony
Chris lines the girls up and then Ali asks to speak with Chris alone. Because we have to STREEEEETCH out the DRAAAAAAMA. Turns out Chris is just the escort to Jake, so that was dumb. Ali tells Jake that she needs to hear what he wants and he says he doesn't want her to go. Ali does say that she told her mom what if she leaves her job and Jake doesn't pick her, is that okay? And her mom said, "Of course that's okay. You'll be okay." Aw, score for Ali's mom.

Jake then says that he doesn't want her to go and that she wasn't on the line tonight. Oooh, that's interesting. I bet Gia was totally gone. Chris finally interrupts and Ali cries for more time so we go to commercial. She then says she has to go and cries some more. I figured. Let's get on with it.

Jake walks her out and says, "I feel like you're slipping right through my fingers and I don't know how to stop you." Aww. In the limo, Ali seems to be actually crying pretty hard and Jake looks really sad.

Chris then tells the three remaining girls there is no Rose Ceremony. Jake gives the three roses to the women and they all hug. He then informs them they are headed to St. Lucia tomorrow. Nice! I'm so jealous.

As she drives away, Ali goes, "What did I do? How could I have left him?"

OMG, I hope Jake doesn't propose to anyone only to have Ali come back at the live "After the Final Rose" show! Yes, I know I'm Team Tenley, but I've decided she'd make an excellent next "Bachelorette."

Coming up? Ali calls Jake when he's in St. Lucia! Drama.

Outtakes: Gia's mom reads Jake's tarot spread. Awesome. I want to hang out with her.

Thoughts & Tidbits

• You know, I loved Jake after "The Bachelorette" and I do not feel so much love anymore. He's kind of turned out to be a doof who inexplicably likes an immature brat. I'm ready to start the next "Bachelorette," thank you.
  

• Something that strikes me (and this is not a commentary about the people or the show, just a comment) is that when the Bachelorette goes on hometown visits, it's like the Bachelors come from a lot of money. Like a set of parents own a vineyard and have a huge house. Whereas (on this Bachelor in particular), the Bachelorettes' hometown visits are much more middle-class. I wonder if that's because the show selects men to be the Bachelors who are more successful (and come from more money) because the man is supposed to be the "provider" or if it's that more upper-class men apply for the show and the women tend to skew more middle-class? I'm not criticizing, mind you. The house I grew up in is like Tenley's house, not that vineyard-owning-family house from last season. It's just an observation on the differences in hometown visits.

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Photo credit: ABC