'Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains' season premiere: Sugar -- go topless, go home

Apparently on "Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains" not even good old-fashioned flashing can keep you around.

Y'all, I haven't been this excited for a season of "Survivor" since "All-Stars." This is so great, the little fangirl in me is geeking out.

Wanna see my predictions for how everybody gets voted off? Check out the countdown here. Don't worry -- it's spoiler-free. I abhor spoilers.

The Survivors are flown in on helicopters and we get a great series of snippets. Jeff says these are "ten of your favorite Heroes and ten of the most notorious Villains." For me, it's "eight of my favorite Villains, ten of the most notorious Heroes, and Jerri and Coach."

Rupert says he tries to make sure "good" wins. Oh, Rupert. Russell says that he's a villain, which is not what he told me last December. He also says he's nervous and a little star-struck. Awww. Cirie makes me choke on some salsa with, "I'm a gangsta in an Oprah suit."

Jerri says she's the original villainess of "Survivor." I think Susan Hawk and Kelly Wiglesworth would like a word with you, Jer. Boston Rob hilariously goes, "I'm a villain?"

Jeff asks if people feel they're on the wrong tribe and Courtney, Parvati, Sandra and Coach raise their hands. Really guys? Really? Russell is pumped to be here with people who really want to play the game, as opposed to playing before with a bunch of dummies. I think that's fair.

We get to the first challenge right off the bat. In pairs, they race out for a bag but they are against two people from the other tribe, so it's a big ol' wrestling match. You have to drag the bag back to your mat to keep it. First Tribe to 3 bags wins fire.

Reward Challenge
Stephenie/Cirie vs Parvati/Danielle is the first match-up. Man, Stephenie still scares me, she is RIPPED. Cirie finds the bag and Parvati takes her down. Much struggle ensues and finally Danielle breaks free and scores. Meanwhile, Stephenie has dislocated her shoulder. Yikes. Stephenie gets it popped back in and talking-heads that the Villains are already acting like jerks. Are you kidding me, Steph? Bite me. You were flinging people around too, it could've been anybody.

Next up Amanda/JT take on Jerri/Randy. Jerri finds the bag but JT gets the bag and runs for it. Third round is Colby/Tom vs Coach/Russell. Interestingly, Russell digs but Coach just stands back to watch. That might be a good strategy. Russell finds the bag and there is MUCH wrestling. Colby and Coach work on dragging each other with the bag while Russell occupies Tom. Finally Coach gets to the mat first and Tyson talking-heads that Colby must be thinking he might as well become a woman because he got beat by Coach. Hee!

Sugar/Candice vs Sandra/Courtney. If Sugar and Candice DON'T win, they should be ashamed. Sandra is an older lady and Courtney weighs like 70 lbs. Courtney finds it but Candice gets in the mix, dragging Courtney. Sandra pushes Sugar a few times and finally takes off Sugar's bra, so Sugar gets up and runs with the bag topless, flipping Sandra off after she wins the point. Uh, that was awesome. I couldn't actually see if Sandra did it on purpose or if it was just an initial accident that Sandra then went with. I do think it was unnecessary for her to toss Sugar's bra away after the match was over. You should hand her her bra back like a good sport, Sandra.

Rupert/James vs Tyson/Boston Rob is the last match-up. Tyson finds the bag, but James gets it and runs, so the Heroes win. Rupert seems to have broken a toe, but he refuses to leave. Like any good Hero would, right?

Villains Camp
Russell's ready to stay on his toes with these cats and thinks if he can go all the way with the All-Stars, then he's the best ever. Can't argue with that. He immediately goes after separate alliances with Danielle and Parvati for final two. Parvati sniffs out that he's talking to everybody but she says she needs to work with him instead of against him. She also says working with him is making a deal with the devil. I wonder what were they told about Russell before the season, since they didn't get to watch his season?

Coach is quite the cock of the walk with his besting of Colby. "The tribe was talking about it long after I'd forgotten about it, about how I'd basically frog-marched Colby blahblahblah." OH MY GOD, I HATE COACH. "Forgotten?" I doubt it. "Frog-marched?" Hardly. Jerri sets her sights on Coach, which is totally fitting and also makes my nose bleed a little. Russell immediately starts teasing Coach about Jerri. Haha, I heart Russell. Sandra and Courtney get after Jerri, it's hilarious. So would Jerri then be the dragon?

The Villains appear to be pretty lethargic because they don't have water and everybody's tired. I think it's also because Villains are lazier than the people who are the Heroes. They'd rather scheme than work hard around camp. Just an observation. Randy even comes out and says they shouldn't even try to make fire but Rob insists they try and then crazily they get fire by igniting some dry grass by rubbing two sticks together. Wow.

Coach says he's in awe of Rob and he's not "like that with people." Um, yes you are. You are the total hero-worshipper type! Rob the Amazing then takes off with Tyson to climb for coconuts but realize they won't be able to, so instead they butter up Coach to do it. Rob very astutely says that Coach is a Villain but wants to be a Hero. Totally. Coach says he could've made it up the tree but he didn't want to risk it. Uh huh.  

Heroes Camp
The Heroes are pretty self-congratulatory about being Heroes. Amanda starts talking about their aura and their karma. Shut up, Amanda. Suddenly four chickens come walking out of the jungle. Did Shambo leave them there from last season? The Heroes surround them and use a net to catch all four. Wow.

The next day, James and JT align right away. That makes sense, they are physically very evenly matched, very hard workers, very nice dudes. Colby and Candice are on to James/JT and possibly Tom/Stephenie or Amanda/Cirie because they played together before. Lo and behold, Tom approaches Stephenie and they talk about getting together, but Tom interestingly talking-heads about wanting a fellow winner sitting next to him at the end because that's the only chance he has. That is a SMART thought, Tom. So he approaches JT about a final two deal.

Rupert starts making fire, wanting to be a "worker bee" since his toe is broken. Except he can't make fire, not even with flint. Uh, Rob did it with sticks, dude. You know, Rupert isn't a very good Survivor. Remember how he wanted to dig a hole in the beach for a shelter? So Colby and JT take over and immediately make fire. That night, Sugar is sad about not having a buddy so she snuggles up to Colby and will NOT shut up, which really annoys him. Yeah, Sugar... neediness is so unattractive. Stop sweetie.

In the morning, they decide to kill the rooster because he doesn't produce eggs. It's a metaphor for how you vote people off, according to Tom. I want Tom to be my uncle. They eat their chicken and Colby very pompously says it's only a matter of time before the Villains self-destruct because they don't have food or fire. The Heroes sure think they're awesome, huh?

Immunity Challenge
Jeff asks the tribes about their situations and interestingly the Villains don't reveal they have fire. Anyway, the challenge is assembling a boat, paddling out to light a torch, doing a puzzle, using the boat planks to make a ladder and then getting atop a tower and lighting a fire barrel.

I like how the challenges are repeats from past seasons and that Jeff points out to us which Survivors have taken part in each challenge. That's neat. During the challenge, they drag out their boat pieces and Jeff goes, "James dragging two BY HIMSELF!" Jeff Probst's man-crush on gravedigger James is hilarious.

The Villains struggle early and the Heroes take off on their boat first, but the Villains get their boat and work well together as paddlers (due to Coach's life experience with a kayak, according to Probst. Snerk.). The puzzle is Cirie/Sugar/Amanda/Rupert vs Rob/Randy/Sandra/Jerri. Rob and Sandra are puzzle whizzes and make up SO MUCH time for the Villains.

Very smartly Randy and Jerri just back off and let them work, whereas the Heroes have took many cooks spoiling their puzzle. The Villains get their ladder and climb the tower and they win! Sugar cries ... because Sugar's a bit of a crier (Varsity Blues'd). Colby talking-heads that losing Sugar wouldn't be a loss because it's day 3 and she's having an emotional breakdown. Aw, poor Sugar.

After Immunity
The Villains are rightly pumped at their win. Rob says they were like 80% team today. Haha. I forgot how much I enjoy Rob on reality TV.

The Heroes are bummed. I have to say -- I think Rupert with a broken toe is a way bigger liability than Sugar crying a little. She was rendered topless and didn't bat an eye in the Reward Challenge. Cirie mentions to JT, Rupert and Sugar about Amanda going first. Wow, really? Colby starts campaigning for Sugar (because flirty women scare him. Seriously, he's like a 13-year-old boy sometimes) and Tom says it has to be Cirie because she's a brilliant strategist. Now that seems like a good move. Tom's smart. If I were a Hero, I'd either listen to him or get him the hell outta there. Haha.

While Tom keeps advocating for Cirie to leave, Candice floats breaking up Tom/Stephenie to Amanda and Cirie but Amanda thinks they physically need Stephenie for challenges. Man, these people are all over the damn place.

Tribal Council
Jeff asks about prior relationships and Tom says they've all realized that everybody has a clean slate. Uh, that's not true. Sugar isn't buying it either. There's a hilarious moment where Amanda answers her first Tribal Council question correctly.

There's some talk about voting out a Puzzle Person from the challenge because they blew it. Cirie and Sugar obviously balk at that, but Candice does jump to their defense because stepping up to do the puzzle is brave. That is true. If you blow it, you're a total scapegoat.

Everybody votes and we don't see any cast. Jeff reads Sugar, Sugar, Sugar, Sugar, Amanda, Sugar and Sugar. Aww, poor Sugar. But in her exit interview she's totally classy and a good sport. I heart Sugar.

Next time: Holy crap, does Rob collapse? That's scary.

I am so off-the-charts excited about this season. I love All-Star versions of reality shows and this one has a great cast, plus I get to align myself with the villains from my couch and twirl my imaginary Snidley Whiplash mustache and cackle maniacally.

What do you guys think? Good season premiere? Which tribe are you rooting for?

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Photo credit: CBS