'One Tree Hill': Nathan's groupie is pregnant!

"One Tree Hill" mines the sports scandal world tonight, introducing the newest wrinkle in Nathan's pro career...and that wrinkle will make its official debut in, oh, about six months.

Nathan picks up from last week, worried the groupie's false accusations will ruin his contract renegotiations with the Bobcats. Because professional athletes always get fired for cheating on their wives! Whatevs. Clay meets with his accuser to attempt to find out what her deal is, but stupid Nathan barges in and starts yelling at her in full view of a crowded restaurant. Smooth, Scott. Nathan's biggest problem (aside from his general idiocy)? This woman has pictures to back up her story. Not naughty pictures...ultrasound pictures! Ruh roh! That groupie's eggo is totally preggo. (There's no way this is Nathan's baby. No way.)

Brooke & Julian are now happily living together. Julian's bigwig Hollywood father shows up at their house to warn Julian he's making the biggest mistake of his life by choosing Brooke over the film. Julian tells Brooke about how his father let him down throughout his life, and Brooke goes to Julian's father and tells him to "fix it." Aw, it's just like when Julian went to see Brooke's mother last season! But the exact opposite! He takes this to heart and gives Julian his blessing to be himself and be with Brooke, and tells him he's proud of him. Awwww.

Brooke brings bratty, Lindsay Lohan-esque starlet Alex to Tree Hill to be the new face of the Clothes Over Bro's line. Alex is just as horrible as you might imagine, by the way. Stupid, stupid Brooke falls for her sob story and hires her despite her heinous nature.

Dan is still a crazy cult leader. A crazy cult leader who is MARRIED TO RACHEL. Yes, that Rachel. To quote Joe Schmo: "What's going oooonnnnnnnn?" It looks like Rachel is the Lady to Dan's Macbeth, pulling the strings from behind the scenes. Sometimes I love this crazy show, but I never know quite why. It's just so deliciously ridiculous!

Haley is busy trying to save Peyton's record label. The label executive is such an obvious stereotype, by the way, which makes this potentially interesting storyline rather boring. Haley comes up with the idea to blackmail them into keeping the label alive by refusing to record unless she can do it under the Red Bedroom label, and Mia shows up to back her up by making the same threat. The threat works, so Peyton's first baby is safe for now.

Also in this episode: Millie has her hands full dealing with Alex, Skills and Lauren take Jamie to the beach, Quinn is still mysteriously averse to getting back together with her husband, and Mouth is nowhere to be seen.


Random thoughts:

• Four shirtless boys in the first four minutes of the show. They definitely know their audience!
  
• Haley's Peyton and Lucas impersonations were pretty amusing, but also showcased the fact that Peyton and Lucas inexplicably (in the world of the show, at least) aren't around.
• Dan seems sincere about wanting to help people, which is kind of annoying. I don't want a Dan Scott redemption arc. Nothing redeems a brother killer.
• Dear Brooke & Julian: Alex was NOT good in those dailies. At all. Not even a little bit.
  

Favorite quotes:

• "Wine's not even alcohol. It's like, grape." - starlet Alex, when questioned why she wants alcohol after just getting out of rehab
  
• "I'm going to see if she'll sit down with me again. In the meantime you just, um, try not to get thrown through a window." - Clay, to Nathan (And...BURN!)
• "Who's the bitch now, bitch?" - Haley, to the evil record executive

Exchange of the night:

• "I think it's so great that you make designer clothes for plus size girls. I never knew it was based on you, but I think that's so sweet." - starlet Alex, to Brooke
• "Uh, no. I'm normal sized." - Brooke
• "I know, but I have the best diet for you! You're so going to lose that weight." - Alex

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