'The Bachelorette': Welcome to the club, Jillian

Tonight on "The Bachelorette," Jillian finally smells what Wes is shoveling.

We join Jillian in Madrid, Spain. Wow, must be nice. She voiceovers that there isn't just one guy she's falling for. Yeah, but I bet one is floating to the top. And if it's Wes, he's floating to the top like a turd. There's a montage recapping each of the remaining Bachelors: Kiptyn, Reid, Ed and Wes. Nothing earth-shattering is revealed. Kiptyn is a sweetie, Reid is very opposite Jillian, Ed is wishy-washy but cute and Wes is... well, you know how I feel about Wes and we try to keep it clean here at Zap2It.

Kiptyn's Date in Madrid
It is a gorgeous Spanish day and I am so beyond jealous, I just need to get that out right at the top. I'll try to rein it in a little, guys. I've done northern Europe (England, Ireland, Germany, France) but I really want to go to Spain, Italy and Greece. Really really.

They walk hand-in-hand along a beautiful park and a river and talk about the hometown date. Kiptyn does say that he thinks a proposal is a long way off and he wants it to be right. Jillian talking-heads that she's "here to get engaged." Whoa. Are you telling me that you just expect whoever is left standing at the end to become your instant fiancee? I know that's how this show goes, but geez. Maybe you like Kiptyn best but he's not ready. Is that a crime?  Hmmm.

K & J head to a Flamenco lesson, which is awesome. I had to learn Sevillanas (from Seville, go figure) for a play once and it was awesome, I really liked stomping my boots on the floor. What a fantastic date. Kiptyn tries really hard but, as he puts it, "Flamenco and [Kiptyn] should not hang out again." They both look just smashing in their outfits, though.

That night our adventurous couple goes scooting along the streets of Madrid. It goes about as well as the Flamenco, but they do end up at the restaurant, so that's good. They are both squeamish at the escargot, but c'mon... it's covered in butter and garlic (at least the dish I tried was). I'd eat dust bunnies if they were covered in butter and garlic.

The conversation turns fairly deep, talking about Kiptyn being able to state his opinion and stand up to Jillian if he needs to. That is so important. Wishy-washy doormats are so unattractive. Suddenly a note arrives, inviting them to stay the night together in a fantasy suite. Jillian says no, though, because she's not sure she and Kiptyn are moving in the right direction. Geez. I think he's the best one with you, J. What's the deal, girlfriend?

They go back to her room to have wine and cuddle. Kiptyn is disappointed about no Fantasy Suite, but not acting put-out or rude about it, so that's cool. They make out on her bed and wrap up together, it's very sweet. He talking-heads that he'd like to know more about her when they finally spend the night together. In the immortal words of Color Me Bad, "I wanna sex you up!"

Reid's Date in Seville
He greets her in Spanish with, "Hi, my love. You look very pretty, my sister." I swear to God he said, "Mi hermosa," which I'm pretty sure from high school Spanish means "my sister." Hmmm.

They get some wine, some bread and some cheese (my ideal picnic spread) and head for a park. I think it's really interesting how Jillian knows Reid is so opposite and different from her but yet she sees how important it is that he makes her feel so good and makes her laugh so much. That's so important.

Reid gets all schmoopy on her and she cannot stop smiling. Man, maybe Reid wins? I'm seeing better stuff from him these last two episodes. That night, he talking-heads about maybe being in love with Jillian, but not being ready to say it. The dinner conversation turns serious and Reid says he moves slowly and that he likes her a lot but he's worried that he'll be penalized for not just spewing out love declarations like the other guys might be doing.

Fantasy Suite invite arrives. Jillian is obviously very torn. I think her physical connection is strongest with Reid; that would be hard to keep control of. She ultimately turns down the Fantasy Suite, though. Man, if she only does the Fantasy Suite with Wes, I am going to vomit. Seriously, I might vomit.

Reid then gets a little tongue-tied expressing his jealousy of her having wonderful dates and possibly going to Fantasy Suites with other guys. It's fairly adorable. He piggy-backs her back to the hotel and they say good-night.

Ed's Date in Some Other Spanish City
Why is Jillian all wet? Did she fall in a fountain? Did a horse pee on her? What happened to her left leg? The majority of the conversation revolves around Ed's leaving and coming back (of course it does). Jillian was hurt, Ed was conflicted and missed her, blahblah biddy blah I'm wishy-washy, give me a scone. Opportunities blahblah missing Jillian blahblah Jillian won't shut up about it blahblahblah careercakes. I mean, c'mon! Talk about something else, please. They finally commence with the smoochies.

At lunch, Jillian wants to know what his family would've been like. He says they're all cool and she would've fit in really well and everyone would've liked her a lot. I mean, what is he supposed to say? "Well, they're kind of jerks and racist and smelly and they would've hated you because you have a funny accent and drink too much." I mean, please.

All of a sudden, they are making out in a fountain. Wow, spontaneous.

At dinner, Ed asks her if she's willing to move somewhere else and she says she's open to it. He thinks if they can be in the same place, they can grow into one of those great couples. He says Chicago is about eating and he wanted/wants to take her to a Cubs game. (Boooo. Go Cardinals!) He also says he could totally have kids in the next couple years and that he knows he'll make a great dad.

At that point, the Fantasy Suite invite arrives. Ed might be in like Flynn after the kids/good dad comments. However, Jillian manages to turn down even the child-wanter. Ed spins it that the spending-the-night could help catch him up on the time he missed and Jillian caves. Wow, slick Ed.

The Fantasy Suite is a bit overdone for my taste. It looks like Cupid threw up. They cuddle up in bed and touch each other and smooch and pussyfoot around s-e-x. Jillian ultimately says they are sleeping in their clothes and he pretends to think that's the best idea he's ever heard.

Wes's Date in Barcelona
Of course the first thing out of his mouth is something about a song he had that was a hit in Mexico. Gag me. I hope he gets trampled by some bulls (I know that's Pamplona. I hope it anyway.).

They go bike riding and he's just as arrogant and gross as usual. Alas, a pedicab does not hit him. They stop at a gazebo to eat and he tells her she's perfect and something about "baring his soul" and crap while sitting away from her on the blanket, which does not go unnoticed by Jillian.

He then says relationships that can bend won't break, which sounds like a load of hooey to me. Jillian poses a hypothetical to him about moving to Vancouver and he freezes like a deer in the headlights. He clearly won't leave Austin for Jillian. How has it taken Jillian so long to see his true colors?

That night at dinner, Jillian grills him about the red flags and Wes says he hasn't told any of the guys that he has a girlfriend. He says he wouldn't still be there if he had one. She brings up his career and he admits that it's been good for his career, but that if he was only there for that, he would've left already.

Jillian brings up the lack of affection and he says she can't possibly be falling for four different people and that the day she says, "Wes, you're the one" is the day he'll be affectionate, which is some wussy logic right there, and Jillian volleys back that how can she say he's the one if she has no idea if he's there with her? Yes.

He then says, "I'm not here to hurt you, but I'm going to be true to myself. Numero uno is most important here." Jillian brings up Laurel and he says that he spent six years with her, she's one of his best friends, but she broke up with Wes because of "differences." She wants to know exactly what he told Jake, like how did Jake know a specific name and he says, "I told him the whole story, I mean, I told him my girlfriend... I mean, ex-girlfriend." Hmmm.

When does Jillian say, "Wow, you are full of *%&$" and throw a drink in his face? The Fantasy Suite invite arrives and Wes has the balls to say that they should take it. Jillian says no and talking-heads that it "just" became very clear to her that Wes has something to hide. Welcome to the club, Jillian. We had jackets made.

Rose Ceremony
As the guys wait for Jillian (and just by the way, all three good guys have on suits and Wes once again looks like the Host from Texas Roadhouse), Kiptyn says, "If it's me, keep it real for me." (whatever that means) and Wes says, "If it's me, know that I will be back home having lots of sex" and then he laughs like the asshat that he is. Seriously, he's gross. He thinks any publicity is good publicity? I somehow disagree in this case.

Jillian arrives and after some filler, gives roses to Ed, Reid and Kiptyn. Thank God. It's about damn time. I like all three remaining Bachelors, good luck and may the best man win. I find Wes so smarmy and gross that I might actually spit on him if I saw him in the street. In the limo, he says he's the first guy ever on the show to make it to Final Four with a girlfriend. Yeah, I'd definitely spit on him.

Jillian is glad she arrived at this decision on her own, instead of letting someone else influence her decision, which is fair enough. But still... she couldn't see this a mile away? Seriously woman. But to quote the great Sam Seaborn, "Let's forget about the fact that you're coming a little late to the party and embrace the idea that you showed up at all."

Next week: Hawaii and overnight dates!

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