'America's Got Talent': Lawrence Beaman, what a voice

Tonight on "America's Got Talent," Bri and Lawrence Beaman are two more excellent singers.

For all those out there who think I'm some sort of evil witch... my house is free of bells so I don't contribute to any angels getting their wings. I push old ladies down in the street and then I steal their purses. Hitting puppies and kittens with my car is what I like to call "Tuesday." Mwahahaha.

We kick it off in Los Angeles tonight with Nasty Nate, a singer who looks like a beefy lady but is not. He sings "Simply the Best" and it's ridiculously off-key. I get enough of these during Idol. Next!

Bad Montage. Zahid Khan, the one-man instrument tool; Leland Faulkner, who has, apparently, just graduated Kindergarten; and Iota Arcane, Son of Micro Machines.

After a break, Hasselhoff returns to the theatre with his Baywatch jacket and floatation device. I'm not sure why, but I do enjoy that he doesn't take himself too seriously.

However, we still don't have a good act with Footwork Fitness, a couple who do a step routine on what looks like an aerobics step. When do we get to the good stuff?!?

Bad Montage II. Scott Weider, whose entire talent is kite-flying and he CAN'T EVEN DO IT. How is that a talent? Isn't that talent called "a stiff breeze?" Jesus tapdancing Christ. Circus Runaways contort themselves onstage and I wonder if maybe their parents were happy they ran away with the circus. Trixie and the Monkey do "gymnastics" in skanky, creepy costumes. K-Dizzle strips and "raps." I rap better than that and I'm a white girl from Iowa.

This is all leading up to our final audition of the day, who (of course) will be fabulous (because we've all watched TV before). It's Terri Willis, a 49 year-old nurse who sings Celine Dion (wow, bold choice). Is this our Susan Boyle?!? No! She's terrible! What in the blue hell is happening on this show tonight?!? Sharon pretends to die upon the judges table and I remind myself that I HAVE to watch the rest of this episode.

We finally get somebody good with 17 year-old Bri. Her story is fighting her way through her stuttering problem as a child through music. Well, that's nice. She plays/sings "Burning Up" and it's quite good. She reminds me of Nelly Furtado a bit. Ooh, I like her. Well done, Bri. She's through unanimously. Video of Bri is below.



Up next is a dance troupe and guess what? They are adorable and there are a manageable number of them and they don't have on creepy orange wigs, the color of which does not appear in nature. Ahem. The group is called TJ and the Little Mamas and I just want to eat them up with a spoon, they are so cute! And you know, for 6 to 9 year-olds, they dance pretty well. TJ and the one other little mama that he cartwheels over his knees are obviously the best, but it was a very nice routine and every kid looked like he or she was having a blast. They are through unanimously! Yay.

Good Montage. Miss Germany, a fire-eater who is totally sexy and has great stage presence (David Hasselhoff loves Germans!); Janice Martin, an aerial silk routine who sings "O Mio Babino, Caro" and plays the violin (Wow. Also, hard song. I had to sing it once for a competition.); and The Scott Brothers, poppers who are in their mid-40s and extremely entertaining. They also throw in Iconic Crew, a shiny dance group that looks cool for the 3 seconds we see them after the commercial break.

We go back to the bad acts with Monsieur Pedicure, who is a "toe dancer." I hate feet, gross. He sticks his feet into a box and he has wigs on them and he wiggles them around, it's totally creepy. Plus, how would an audience ever see that. Also, I get the impression Msr. Pedicure might be one of those mentally-ill adults that Idol likes to make fun of. Send that poor man away.

Mario and Jennifer get us back on track. Mario is dressed like an HP Lovecraft ringmaster and Jennifer is a dominatrix. Their act involves chainsaws, which they prove are real by sawing through some boards onstage. Mario then juggles the chainsaws and the crowd goes wild. I mean... that's kind of cool, but what else does he do? And what purpose does Jennifer serve? I'd like to see more from them because I like their showmanship, so it's good that they are through to Vegas.

Our last act is a very nervous Lawrence Beaman, who sings "Old Man River" and his voice is like... I feel like I'm being coated in molasses and I mean that in a totally good way. When he hits some of the low notes, I actually break out in goosebumps! It's like Paul Robeson reincarnate! I would kill to hear Lawrence sing the theme from "Phantom."

Lawrence starts crying because the judges stand up to applaud him and the audience is going crazy. Aww! The judges praise his grace, talent and class and he is through unanimously. Excellent. Video of his performance is below.



See you guys tomorrow for more "America's Got Talent" auditions.

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