ZapCap: 'Jon & Kate Plus 8' plus cake

After the draining season premiere of "Jon & Kate Plus 8," many wondered if the show of old would return or if the show would take a turn towards Dramaville forever. Tonight's back-to-back episodes marked the show's attempt to slowly come out from under the almost unbearable weight of its premiere to establish some of its old rhythms. But with the heads of family seemingly unable or unwilling to spend time together, it looks like the fifth season will be fractured at best.

Apparently not content to throw the sextuplets' birthday into near chaos with his absence, Jon decided that Kate's birthday trip to the "Ace of Cakes" bakery was a fantastic time to take a 5-day trip to Park City by himself. Jon's trip to Park City wasn't just getaway time, as he spent part of his trip at the National Ability Center.

The second episode showed Kate taking Mady to San Diego, leaving Jon at home with the kids to help erect a swing set. With Mady between them in the second hour, the two played at niceties in the way that most secretly spiteful parents do. It was clear that 1) they were on their best behavior while there, and 2) Kate was hearing a LOT of things for the first time. While the former is commendable, the latter is pretty sad. One gets the impression that confessional couch time is about the only time these two are face to face anymore.

But given that we're talking about the confessional couch, let's get to this week's installment of "What They Said/What They Meant." Here are some quotes from this week's double-dip, followed by the true subtext of those statements.

"I know that it looks like it's always about me, but you don't see down deep inside is a desperate desire to provide for my kids." Kate

"We spend $200 a week on Cheerios. Stop judging me. I sold my soul, and that still only got me a few months worth of cereal. So I'm pretty much stuck."

"What we decided to do is that one of the parents should always stay home with the kids. So when Kate's on book tour, I'm home with the kids, and when I'm traveling on vacation then she's home with the kids." Jon

"When she's on book tour, I get to raise my kids. And when the book tour is over, I make like Iron Maiden and run to the hills. I run for my liiiiiife."

"I'm enjoying it, I'm so succeeding, I'm doing so well, my books are doing great, I love what I'm doing, I love traveling and meeting people, the people that watch our show and read my books." Kate

"Did I say our show? I meant my show. Mine. Mine own. My preciousssssss."

"Kate and I have always been a team...but when you're by yourself, it's not as fluid." Jon

"Speaking of fluids, did you know that paparazzi installed cameras in the bathroom in the local Applebee's? Have I mentioned that my life is a giant prison from which only the sweet release of death and/or Applebee's Chicken Parmesan Tanglers can save me?"

"Snowboarding has always been a passion of mine. It's freedom to me. It's a solitary sport. An individual sport. I put a helmet and goggles on, and I'm free." Jon

"Kate never learned to snowboard. I plan on keeping it this way."

"This season sometimes you'll see Kate and I interviewed separately; sometimes you'll see us on the chair. It really depends on how things are going, and we have really busy schedules, so, that's it." Jon

"I've located all but one of the steak knives. Once I find it and lock it inside the secret vault behind the wall of fire just past the lair of gryphons, then we'll be side by side again."

"Just what we needed: another stuffed animal. The most useless gift on the planet!" Kate

"Prada! How many times do I have to drill this into your head Mady? PRADA!"

"We were in the airport heading through security, and she was saying 'I wish Daddy were here!' and she was awful and horrible. And the trip back through the airport was, 'Mommy, you're the best Mommy in the whole world!'" Kate

"All things are once again as they should be in the Kingdom of Kate. My young apprentice grows stronger by the day. Soon we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. Soon we shall have...revenge."

We're at the point now where the patriarch and matriarch have assumed the literal roles of parents, treating their every day lives as plot points. In that context, their separate lives makes sense, since plenty of shows on television feature central characters that only tangentially interact, if ever. While popsicles still currently serve as adequate distraction from the internal schism, one can only wonder exactly when all of the children will be clued into the fragile ground upon which Jon staked that swingset into the ground. Maybe Jon and Kate will pull it together. But if they do so, I have the sneaking suspicion they'll do it during sweeps.

Are you still on board the "Jon&Kate" train, or did last week seal the deal for you? Is the return to more benign plot lines jarring given the discord between the couple? And do the kids' cute antics help you laugh or just dig the knife in further?

Ryan is waxing his snowboard over at Boob Tube Dude.

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