ZapCap: 'I Survived a Japanese Game Show' season premiere

Having not seen the first season of "I Survived a Japanese Game Show," I came into tonight's premiere episode fearing I would be lost in a fog of narrative continuity. Then I looked at the title of the show again and realized I'd probably be OK. While tonight was my first exposure to the general nuttiness of "Majide," it didn't take long to get into the spirit of things. Check your brain at the door, don a silly outfit, and read on.

The twelve contestants were placed into two teams: Green Tigers vs. Red Robots. If this were real life, it would be a short-lived contest, since everyone knows that Red Robots have laser beams that disintegrate organic material upon contact. But since the names in this case are metaphorical, we can't assign any advantages up front based on nomenclature alone. So let's have the games decide, shall we?

First Game: "Rabbit Fire!"

The gist? For three minutes, one team walks across a soapy plank one by one, dressed in bunny suits, while carrying bento boxes. The other team fires sticky balls at them. Yes, the show said "sticky balls." I report, you decide.

The outcome? Both teams have varying degrees of success, with those that intentionally drop a few boxes at the start for greater speed and control most successful. Judge Bob calls it for the Green Tigers over the Red Robots, 58-57.

Choice quote? "Down goes Bobaloo; here comes tsunami!" Host Rome Kanda, referring to the rather rotund contestant

After a night in the communal home with Mama-san, it was back to Japanese-style game show entertainment the following day. For people who liked "Rabbit Fire!" but wish there has been more spandex, this show had a game for you.

Game #2: "Wheel of Human Torpedoes!"

The gist? Four people sit on a spinning wheel on a lubed floor. The "launcher" sends the other three towards cans placed around the floor. After the torpedo crashes through, they land in a bed of flour. They then have to run towards a buzzer and press it so the next torpedo can be launched. After pressing the buzzer, a goat punches them in the face. OK, I made that last part up.

Little known fact? "Wheel of Human Torpedos!" was the original name of "Wheel of Fortune!" until Vanna White started having all those WWII flashbacks.

The outcome? Red Robot Launcher Dan releases Torpedo #2 before the buzzer, yielding an 8-5 win for the Green Tigers, who didn't even have to use the advantage (an extra torpedo) gained from winning the first contest. I feel dumber for having written that sentence.

Choice quote? "Is the floor properly lubed?" asks the show's director inside the control room. Yikes. I need a shower.

As a result the Green Tigers go to Mt. Fuji on a helicopter to observe the sunset with a catered meal. Pretty cool, actually. Meanwhile, the Red Robots get to clean the Tokyo Subway. Down below ground Kimberley tries to out-Omarosa, claiming such activity beneath her. Drew, who is six shades of schmuck, thinks she's acting crazy, which should tell you something.

The following morning, the Red Robots have to decide who have to go into elimination. Kimberley and Yari get selected, thanks to the former's attitude and the latter's perceived weakness. Kimberley's thoughts on this? "My teammates have no idea the power they are about to unleash in this black widow. When I come back, all hellstorms are gonna break loose." Alllllrighty then. St. Crispin's Day speech it ain't, but it'll do.

Elimination Game: "Big Spider Yanky Danky!"

The gist? While attached to bungee cords, the two pop balloons containing butterfly wings, butterfly bodies, and butterfly crushed dreams. They then ran to run up a ramp and match the collected items with the butterflies before being yanked back on the cord. I need a drink. A stiff drink.

The outcome? Yari huffs and puffs to 12. Kimberley kicks the crap out of those balloons at first, but wears herself out quickly. She ends up with 12 as well. The tie-breaker goes to Yari, for completing the most bugs. And from atop Mt. Fuji, karma smiles down.  Kimberley is the first to head back to America as the majority of Japan helps her pack her bags to deport her as quickly as possible.

So ding dong, the witch is dead after one week. While that might have appeased the moral gods, I'm not sure it's going to make for better television. Did anyone else besides her truly stand out this week? Then again, who needs character development when you've got lube-covered floors, right?

Is the show good summer fun, or just plain dumb? Leave your comments below!

Ryan is stockpiling flour and spandex over at Boob Tube Dude.

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