'America's Got Talent': Rockin' Rory rocks

It's here, guys! "America's Got Talent" is back in all its crazy glory! Strap in, we've got two hours of nuttiness tonight.

The opening montage shows us clips from the other "Got Talents" from all over the world, including Susan Boyle herself. That poor lady. I dig Nick Cannon as the new host, he's got some charisma. He may be as pointless as Jerry Springer, but at least he's more animated. I also enjoyed his Drumline bromance with Forest from season 4 of Buffy.

Now, if you'll remember from my recaps last year... the editing of this show is totally effed up. They go from city to city to city, instead of just showcasing one city at a time. It's annoying. I'll try to keep up with Where in the World Are the Auditions, but I apologize if I get confused.

New York City is our first location. Up first is Ray Schwarz, a 26 year-old teacher's aid. He looks like Tom Everett Scott's inbred cousin. He sings "Little Less Conversation" and step-touches awkwardly. Remember when Jesse Spano taught Zack how to dance? It looks a little like that. He gets buzzed off.

Bad Montage. Possibly James Taylor playing the guitar and harmonica while riding a unicyle, a white "rapper," and Randall Flagg from "The Stand" fire dancing with a tiny woman whose hair catches on fire. Now that is a way to kick off this show.

We're now in Chicago. Because this show has ADD. Up first in Chi-town is 48 year-old Moses Lanham, who claims he is the only known living person who can do his talent. Hmmm. He comes onstage with his jacket on backwards because he is going to turn his feet 180 degrees and then walk. It's freaky, though I'll say that his feet are not completely turned 180 degrees. It's like his feet are backwards, but he has a club foot. Next!

Our first good audition of the night is FootworkKINGz. It's a group of six young men who live in rough inner city neighborhoods and have formed this dance group. That's cool, good on them. They dance to an instrumental piece that I should know and cannot recall. Either way, the dancing is good. Very quick and fairly in sync. They need some polish but are certainly good enough to go to the next round.

Next up is a family of blonde siblings from Wisconsin called Shine. Oh lord. It's totally Brady-Bunch-Patridge-Family-Osmond crap. THeir names are Bert, Nan, Flossie and Freddie. I bet when these four were younger they looked totally Children of the Corn. They sing "Walking on Sunshine" and it's awful. I have to wonder if these people know they're being funny or if they legitimately think they have talent? The judges are easy on them because I think they can tell that these creepy cheese-eaters actually think they are good.

Bad Montage. Dancing Jamaican bobsledders, Melissa Rivers in a bikini while her mom Joan plays an accordian, a Cher wannabe, and a 17 year-old who wishes he had been born in about 1970.

Up now is a Barack Obama imitator named Pete Peterkin. He's... meh. He's got some of the Obama speech patterns down but it's also kind of James Brown doing Barack Obama. No sooner have I typed that then Pete puts on a wig and goes into his James Brown imitation. Honestly, this guy isn't good enough to play Branson, let alone Vegas. He says he does about 100 imitations and plays 15 instruments. The crowd chants Vegas, but the judges are on the fence. They end up putting him through, though.

Good Montage. Black Fire Percussion, an awesome drumline (where's Nick Cannon?), Anointed S, a vocal percussionist (interesting, but not a whole act), and Unexpected Step Team (very good).

Next is Debbie Victor, a 54 year-old animal sound maker. Sigh. It's not weird enough that she makes animal noises, but she's not even very good!  Debbie gets booed off the stage.

This leads us into an Animal Montage. There's a pony who puts golf balls (not quite a Mexican donkey show, but close), and then Rockin' Rory, a beautiful Australian shephard who catches frisbees. It's adorable. I can't see it sustaining a Vegas show but certainly should make it through to the next round. And he does, excellent.

We are now in Tacoma/Seattle. Brad Byers is first. He threads a fishing hook through his nose and out his mouth, then hangs an anchor from it and calls it a "fishing trip gone horribly wrong." It's... hard to watch. Ew, no. He then gets out a drill, drills a piece of wood to prove that it's real and then puts the drill up his nose. I don't know that that was real because he turned profile and we couldn't actually see it go into his nose. He says he also does sword swallowing, walking on broken glass, bed of nails, etc. The judges put him through, though it was a no from Sharon.

Bad Montage. Freaky drag queen Buffalo Bill guy (the Silence of the Lambs character, not the cowboy), then an actual cowboy who ropes luggage, an accordian-playing yodeler with a chicken, an acrobatic act with fire, and a bagpiper who sounds only moderately better than Ross on Friends.

There's a weird random one-off of a freak who hangs weights from his eye sockets with the help of two vikings (the Scandanavians, not the football team).

We finally have a good act with the EriAm Sisters. They are cute as buttons and are 15, 14 and 11 years old. They sing "I Want You Back" and while the choregraphy is amataurish and unecessary, the singing is great. They need to just stand and sing, they don't need to bop around the stage. Also, I think the 11 year-old is singing the lead and man, does she sound older than her age. The lead then switches to the older sisters in turn and it turns out they can all blow. They need some polish, but it was a very good audition. They are very pretty, very commercial. Piers advises them not to drift apart in the choreography so much, which is the only criticism I had. They are through unanimously.

Good Montage. The Jesse White Tumbling Team, which I have personally seen perform before and they are awesome, Urban Nation Hip Hop Choir (really fun) and Draconic, some actual fire dancers who are very talented. Very cool, all of them.

Next is a 30 year-old loan officer named David Johnson. His montage is set to "Hungry Eyes," a fave of mine since I saw Dirty Dancing when I was seven. Anyway, he sings and plays the guitar on an original song called "David Hasselhoff." It's actually pretty funny, I'll be honest. David can sing alright and the lyrics are funny. "I'd spoon you the whole night through, even if you had the flu, David Hasselhoff. I saw Wedding in Paradise 2, what the hell were you thinking, dude? David Hasselhoff."

Seriously, it's hilarious. Sharon says he's fabulous, Piers says he buzzed David way too early, Hasselhoff takes it in stride and puts him through, saying he is honored and humbled that someone would write a song like that for him, though he's sad that he's a man. Sharon says no, but Piers says "brilliant" and puts him through. I really hope this guy has other stuff in his repertoire because if he does, he could totally sustain a Vegas act as a singing comedian.

You might want to shield your eyes for the next one. Bruce and Simone are 40-something soulmates who, basically, have faux sex in a hoop. It's so disturbing. They, apparently, perform with the Aerial Army of Love. Oh my god, what is the Aerial Army of LOVE? This act is like if Dudley Moore and Judy Greer were on a sex swing. Guh. Piers tells them to get a room, but Sharon thought they were fabulous. The crowd chants Vegas and the judges put them through. Huh.

**Side note: when did Principal Flutie from Buffy start hawking Polident? Did y'all see that commercial?**

We are back in New York City for the last 20 minutes. There's a quick clip of the NYC Gay Men's Chorus, which is hilarious and like how showchoir really should be.

Up first is an impersonator named Joseph Maracina. He talks a good game about how good he is, but I'm skeptical. He starts with Jack Nicholson and it's terrible. His Anthony Hopkins isn't any better, especially because he's not doing Hopkins, he's trying to do Hannibal Lector.

Next up are Dave and Zoey, who are Paradizo Dance. Apparently it's "intimate and sensual," but I'm a little disturbed because she looks like she's 14 and he looks like he's 30. Hmm. It involves a lot of tossing Zoey around, but she also flips Big Dave around too. There are some pretty moments, but it doesn't grab me. It's not a flowing dance routine, it's more like disconnected stunts. The judges love it and put them through. Huh.

Apparently the couples are popular tonight and I'm just a black-hearted cynic or something because Bruce/Simone and Dave/Zoey both didn't impress me that much.

The final act tonight is the trio of siblings that have been pimped to us for weeks. They're called Voices of Glory and they've got a sad story about their mom being hit by a drunk driver and being in a coma for 8 months. I'm not insensitive to that, but the sob stories aren't the point of the show, ya know? It's an annoyance for me about Idol and Talent and shows like that.

The kids sing "God Bless America" and the harmonies are actually pretty darn good. There are a few rough spots on the low notes, but you can't help but love these kids, even with my cold, black heart. Sharon is crying, I'm even getting a little misty. Good lord. I thought after all the pimping of this act that I couldn't feel anything for them. I guess Andrea the Grinch's heart grew three sizes tonight. Who knew?

The crowd chants for their mom and they wheel her onstage. The woman is obviously not going to heal completely, but she manages to say how very proud she is of her kids. Sharon is practically bawling. Piers reminds us that we're not supposed to judge on sob stories, we're supposed to judge on talent and he says they were one of the best acts. The judges put them through unanimously. They're like our Susan Boyle, except cute.

Well, we weeded through two hours to get Rockin' Rory, the EriAm Sisters, David Johnson and Voices with Glory. The rest I can take or leave. The two singing trios of siblings were both excellent and I think David Johnson could be really excellent if he has more material past his "David Hasselhoff" song. Join me again tomorrow for more talented acts!

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