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RSSZapCap: 'Jon & Kate Plus 8' discuss their fate
In case you've been living under a rock these past few months, tonight marked the start of the fifth season of "Jon & Kate Plus 8." A more fitting title? "Jon & Kate Plus Hate."
America might need a collective chiropractic session after that first episode, given the incredible amount of tension that suffused the hour. While the premiere episode ostensibly centered around the 5th birthday party of the sextuplets, what was really in display was the he said/she said between the titular couple.
Promos prominently displayed the two giving solo confessionals, so it was hardly a surprise to see each person alone as they alluded to the scandal-plagued months in between seasons. As a way of further pushing back the curtain on the meta-lives this family now leads, the show chose to consciously address the paparazzi that have made these ten people possibly the most talked about family in popular culture. While you can talk yourself blue in the face arguing the specifics about the allegations spread across the tabloids these past few months, three things are abundantly clear.
- As of the taping of this particular episode, Jon and Kate are in a marriage of inconvenience. That can all change over the coming months/years, but for now, they only agree on being anywhere near each other for the sake of their eight children. If they made eye contact more than twice in the entire episode, I missed it.
- The kids already sense something's afoot. Not only are the oldest two instinctively rushing to Kate's side to fill the void left by Jon, but the younger kids understand on a fundamental level that something's wrong in the state of Denmark. The weight on Jon and Kate's shoulders has spilled onto theirs, taking a twinkle out of everyone's eyes.
- Kate will only stop filming when TLC pries the cameras away from her cold, dead hands. She's the freakin' Terminator of reality television. I'm 99% convinced that her controversial new hair-cut is made from the same metallic polymer used to construct the T-1000. All of her confusion over the complete chaos of her life stems from the fact that life not spent in the public eye is not worth living.
Does the latter point excuse Jon's supposed actions? Hardly. But it's clear Kate and TLC will ride this gravy train until ratings go down or Mady dies of an overdose in the Viper Room in Los Angeles. Kate needs to follow her own advice to her children: "You get what you get and you don't get upset." As for Jon, he's stoic to the point where I wonder if he's pharmacologically unable to be upset at this point. Win win for the kids, all around.
Rather than dwell on hearsay, let's actually hear what they both had to say in tonight's episode. I'll type out their quotes, and then immediately type out what they meant in italics.
"One day my kids are gonna Google me, and I'm gonna have to explain myself." Jon
"Sometimes, when a Mommy and Daddy love each other very much, but the Mommy berates Daddy to the point that he wants to beat her to death with one of her hardcover books, he needs get his swerve on."
"I did not sign up for public scrutiny of everything. And neither did Kate." Jon
"At least, that's what I thought until TLC's lawyers showed us the contract again."
"Now we've just gone up a level." Kate
"Move over, Susan Boyle: we're totally above you on Google Trends!"
"I have a lot of anger. I always say that so blandly, but I just have a lot of anger. Because this is not where we were supposed to be. This is not what I envisioned for us. Not what I envisioned for him. He's made some very poor decisions, and we all have to live with them." Kate
"Flames, on the side of my face, breathing-breath-heaving breaths. Heaving breath...Course, I never did ask him what he envisioned for himself, but why ask a mouth breather something like that?"
"Day before the kids' 5th birthday party. Taking them to the store to get party decorations. By myself. Jon decided he needed a weekend off." Kate
"I think he got inspired by a commercial for 'I'm a Celebrity: Get Me Outta Here!' on television last night. It told him Applebee's was the best place to pull impressionable teachers on a Thursday, and I haven't seen him since."
"I am very grateful to my fans...even the naysayers. They keep me where I need to be." Kate
"On television."
"We had a lot of conversations prior to all this erratic behavior that doesn't remind me at all of the Jon that I know...I think he's really wanting to just bust out of here and make it all go away, which, newsflash? It's not going to." Kate
"I'm hoping you're thinking I'm talking about our family and not the television show. Although it's totally the latter. I have six words for you, Mr. Gosselin: page nineteen, paragraph five, sentence three. Plus, there's the GPS-enabled device I installed in your kidney one night during Season 3."
"We originally did the show to document our kids' lives, and it's become a business. Just like anything else." Jon
"Page nineteen, paragraph five, sentence three. Damnit."
About if the roles were reversed: "Since I can't write, that would probably wouldn't happen. Some people say I can't talk either, or breathe right. I love being home with my kids, don't get me wrong...but it's not what I chose. It was chosen for me." Jon
"I have a secret I'd like to share with you. Somewhere in this house, this beautiful, large house, is a jar. In some part of in this lushly appointed abode, replete with furniture either purchased by the network or provided to us by companies looking to exploit our fame, lies a simple glass jar. And in this jar, hidden somewhere amidst a manor well beyond our possible means of ever owning without the death grip of this television program, are my genitals. Twenty bucks to the first person that finds this jar and brings it to me so that I might finally live in peace."
"The more I am here alone taking care of the kids, the more Mady and Cara step up to help willingly." Kate
"Mama didn't raise no dummies. Mama more than likely married one, but she didn't raise none."
Alexis: "Daddy, I don't want you to leave anymore."
Jon: "Well, sometimes Daddy needs to do work."
...
...
Yea, I got nothing. This made me cry more than a little.
"The irony of piñatas is this: So you love your characters, you have this little character birthday party, and you get the cute little backyardigans, and then you beat 'em to death. It's so violent, if you think about it." Kate
"And yet, not nearly as ironic as the fact that I'm completely unaware that I just constructed an apt metaphor about my relationship with Jon."
"Very swiftly we turned into two different people, and it's just hard. I've tried for six months to figure out what the problem is, or remedy to the problem...I don't know. It's so complicated." Kate
"Of course, had I watched the end of Season 4 of my own show and saw my husband clearly crying for help over the monster we unwittingly created, this wouldn't be complicated at all. Jon made a stupid choice, but I refuse to make the one standing right in front of my nose. So we all lose. Except TLC, currently counting its gold coins like Scrooge McDuck."
"As long as our kids are safe and happy here, they'll be well taken care of and loved, and that's really our business. That's the way it is." Jon
"But for now, I'm letting Colin take first sip of all my drinks. Just in case Kate slipped something in there."
You might think it's uncool to mock this family, but it's hard to feel bad for a couple on television complaining about the attention they get...from being on television. It's hard to muster up any more sympathy for the Gosselins versus the Osbornes for this problem, because let's face it, in this day and age, there's little difference between the two. Fame is fame is fame, as Getrude Stein would have said had she ever hung out with Andy Warhol.
How did you watch tonight's premiere: on the edge of your seat or through your fingers? Is this show helping or hurting the family both parents claim to care about above everything? And do you think the tension on-air is genuine or just a way to lengthen their fifteen minutes?
Ryan writes about television and popular culture over at Boob Tube Dude.
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Zap2it Twitter Talk 
I LOVE how Kate acted like a GREAT MOM to the kids tonight on the show. She played up to the camera too much.
I also loved how Kate pointed out that when she is not at home and away, that Jon has HELP. NEWFLASH Kate I always see other people around you helping. If NO one is around to help the Kate always has JONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.
sometimes, it's time to give people what they need even when they don't know they need it or if they do, don't want it.
the gosselin family needs their lives back and off the front page. a chance to regroup. if jon and kate break up then, so be it. personally, i would love to see him dump her and take the kids and let her pay him alimony from her 'big career' she wants. but there are kids involved here. maybe they can work their issues out in counseling if a little quiet comes. yes, i've seen it happen.
so although i've watched this show from the beginning, tonight was the last episode for me, and i beseech the rest of you to do the same. we'll get to those niesel families somehow.
read the recaps if you need to just keep up. let TLC get its pound of flesh from someone else. please.
Ryan, excellently done! You are right on point with everything you wrote. Way to go!
Oh please all these Kate haters are annoying me. Jon acts like a ginormous child. He mopes and pouts because he doesn't get to work anymore. Who wouldn't love to be in his shoes... able to stay at home with his family spending a wealth of quality time with the 8 children they went out of their way to bring into this world, instead of out there in corporate America. Yes Kate needs to stop playing up to the cameras. She shouldn't be so worried about her clothes and hair (really who shops with 8 children in heels?)But if any of us were truly honest with ourselves if in her position - none of us would just walk away from the fame and fortune, either. Especially when this is what enables them to provide a certain lifestyle for their children. Maybe it would be different if Jon had the ability to get a job that would provide for them.
How do you spell confusing?? Kate wants fame and fortune, Jon wants anonymity. No wonder they can't work it out. Those kids are so cute. But I don't think Jon or Kate are telling the whole truth!
I'll admit it, I was sucked back in and watched tonight's episode to see if Kate could redeem herself. Of course, I was let down.
Jon manned up, as much as he could, and admitted he made some stupid decisions, and apologized for them.
Kate, on the other hand, did what she does best and that's play the victim. She's quick to point out that she's not perfect, but the last to admit that she's at fault for anything. Not once did she acknowledge that she might be a teensy bit responsible for this train wreck, and that's what's sadder than anything.
What gets me more than anything is they claim they want to do what is best for their kids, and it's obvious that this show is not it, yet here we are discussing the season premiere.
If they really cared at all about their kids, the show wouldn't be on. People say they're doing it to provide their children with a lifestyle, but it's far from a normal one. I'm sure any regular parent wouldn't sacrifice their kids' normal childhood for swag and a media blitz. How healthy is it going to be for these kids when they can watch the destruction of their family on YouTube? I doubt the million dollar homes and free stuff is going to be make up for the therapy and heartache that the show is going to cause these kids.
Unfortunately, Kate wants the spotlight just to complain about it, and those who defend her, just watch the end of last season. Jon wanted out, but she got her way. Where's the partnership? Where's the compromise? Who is really to blame?
I was hoping that some progress had been made, but it's clear that the theme of this season is going to be marital strife and unhappiness, so I'm done with this show once and for all. I hope things work out for them in the end, but we'll just have to see if season 6 is on the way.
Im sick and tired to hear about this woman;s hairdo, (who business is it?)How bad she treats this over grown teenager?he is a punk, does anyone think he cheats because the reality show? he cheats, because now he decide he don;t want such a big family ,wants to be free, ello..elo,,,she didn;t got pregnante by herself, and the way I see it , he can;t afford his family, not on job, he had, and with this economie , he should be grateful, she is neat, she likes to look her best, who wouldn;t?If she was dirty , didn;t take care of herself, she was bad, what is it? she seems a good mother, the kids seems healthy, and I think is time America,stop, to gossip, and demande appoligies, from people who didn;t hurt the whole country, give me a breack.Don;t we all got lives of our own? Just look at picture of this father of 8 in a motorocycle, doesn;t he look, exactly what he is? He needs to grow up.
@Leigh
If I had to choose, I'd pick a regular childhood for my kids of fame and fortune any day.
And it's easy to pick on Jon, just look at how Kate mastered it, but not everyone wants to be an at home parent. Some want to go out and provide for their family in normal ways, which he was doing until the show took off.
Sure, he benefited from the spoils too, but I'm sure he'd gladly go back to life before TLC just to have a normal existence. Too bad Kate won't let him have it.
over, not of
thanks for the recap because i'm sure as hell not gonna watch this show!