'The Biggest Loser: Couples': Marathon episode

Everyone faces Herculean challenges this week on "The Biggest Loser: Couples." The Losers discover they have to run a marathon. The viewing audience discovers it has to watch what felt like 26.2 hours of filler and product shilling. Just get ON with it!

The Final Four go home, after what feels like an interminable "See how much you changed" sequence or 12. Hey, guys, did you know that the people on this show used to be seriously overweight, and now they're not? No, really! It's true! And there's no way we could have known that, right? I mean, it's not like they've broadcast every moment of this over the past 19 weeks or anything...

Paging Dr. Jillian
The trainers make "surprise" visits to their charges to see how they're doing. Let's have a look, shall we?

Tara is anxious and confused about coming home. On the upside, she's given her mom a new kitchen, and the fridge is full of product-placed poultry. On the downside, she's completely nuts. Oh my god, she tells Jillian, I worked out for six hours and then I ate some pita chips, thus destroying everything I'd done that day! Jillian tells her to chill: You've replaced a food addiction with exercise compulsion. Neither are terribly good for you in the long run. Then Jillian makes Tara's head explode by telling her to kick back and have a glass of wine every once in a while. Tara is instantly cured. Thanks, Dr. Jillian!

Helen is similarly afflicted -- she's completely stressed out and running around like crazy trying to impress Jillian when she arrives. But Helen cannot hide her wounded soul from Dr. Jillian's searching eyes. I'm so tired! Helen says. Dr. Jillian prescribes... another glass of wine. Huh. Has Jillian opened a winery? Does she add product-placed protein powder to make it superdrink?

But young Mike may be Dr. Jillian's toughest case. "I'm just trying to keep my sanity," he says. "Thank God Jillian's here!" The mere fact that you equate Jillian with sanity may mean you're too far gone, Mike. Mike tells Jillian he's feeling crappy about his brother, Max. I wanted to help him when I came back, but he seems so apathetic, he disgusts me! Dr. Jillian digs deeper and gets Mike to admit that he identifies with Max. Quit it! Decrees Dr. Jillian. OK, says Mike. She declines to prescribe life-giving alcohol, presumably because Mike is underage.

Bob to the rescue
Bob "surprises" Ron at home, and spends most of his time taking Max under his wing. That includes showing him what 600 calories of his favorite fast-food meal looks like (not much), vs. 600 calories at this obscure little place that the show obviously wants to keep secret since it goes out of its way to disguise its name and eliminate all signs of it. I will respect its wishes. You're welcome, show.

Bob also puts Max through a Ranch-style workout, which leads to Max puking copiously on national TV. Thanks, Bob!

Marathon madness
The show decrees that the Losers shalt runneth a marathon. Really? You're giving them 26 days to prepare to run 26.2 miles? Oy.

But  yeah, they all run and/or walk a marathon. Ron's knees prevent him from running, and Mike suffered something unspecified that caused a stabbing pain in his hip, so his doctors have banned running. There's a long, long sequence of marathon running -- it's quite an athletic achievement, but it's not tremendously compelling TV, you know? -- and bits about motivation and loved ones and kicking ass and blah blah blah whatever.

Everyone finishes -- Tara comes in first (of course), with Helen following. Mike marches in a few hours later. Ron has multiple problems -- problems with his knees, problems with his feet, way-too-high blood pressure, poor circulation, shaking extremities -- but he's determined to finish. He does. All of the Losers get $10,000 to donate to the charity of their choice.

The last weigh-in
The Losers find out how they've done at home. Mike and Ron have each lost 10 pounds -- and they're both disappointed. Helen drops 7 pounds, which puts her above the line. She's elated. Tara needs to have dropped 7 pounds to stay safe. She drops 10. Helen and Tara are in the finals.

That means Team Brown is below the line together, and they plead their case to America. Ron: Give it to Mike! He gave up his groceries! He kicks ass! He deserves this! I beg of you, vote for my son! Mike: I've done everything I set my mind to, I kicked ass, I'm thrilled, and it's been a privilege to be here. Then he diverts from the script: "If you want to put me in the finale, that's amazing. If you want to put my dad in the finale, that's great, too. He deserves it,. I love him." Huh. He really is a giver.

So it's up to us now. Who should go to the finals? Mike obviously deserves it, but I almost want to vote against him just to spite Ron. I know, I know, I'm not a nice person. I'm fine with that.

Crazy-making moments

• Mike talks about how he used to work in this fast food restaurant that's across the street from this gym. Both the restaurant and the gym's signs are blurred out. Because god forbid the show acknowledge that anything other than it's sponsor gym and its favorite restaurant exist.
• Tara talks about how now that she's lost the weight, she can live her life. Then she tells Jillian she's working out 6 hours a day and she freaks out when pita chips pass her lips. Your weight wasn't keeping you from living, Tara -- your obsessive personality disorder was.
• Poor Max - I'm not sure that a puke-inducing workout is what he needs to get in the habit of moving more every day. Yes, that's the norm on the ranch, but most gyms I know of tend to frown upon upchucking in the weigh room.
• Bob tells Ron that maybe a marathon isn't a good idea for him, what with his joints disintegrating as we watch. Ron takes that as a challenge. I get that you want to push your body to its limits, but when you've got doctors telling you that this is a bad idea, perhaps you should listen to them. Completing a marathon is great, but not if it means you you'll have to get yet another knee replaced in the aftermath or if it looks like your heart is in danger of exploding.
• When did "marathon" become the default athletic achievement for the masses? Completing one of those puppies is a big deal, and you know what? Not everyone SHOULD attempt it. Why does everyone have to cover 26.2 miles to be considered tough or healthy or worthy? And does no one remember that the first guy to run a marathon died? I'm just saying...