'The Biggest Loser: Couples' Finale: Alison Sweeney reveals winner

We've come to the end of this season of "The Biggest Loser: Couples," which Alison Sweeney tells us was the longest, biggest, most exciting, most impactful, most insert hyperbole here ever!!! It certainly was the most drawn-out finale. Three hours? Really? I thought you wanted me to get off the couch, show!

America's choice
Last season, the spite was strong, and America chose to send Ed, who begged us to send Heba instead. Good times! This year, the spite doesn't run as deep (dammit), and America sends Mike.  I can live with that. My only complaint: The producers keep focusing on Max, who is still obese and really doesn't want the attention. Quit it, show!

The at-home competitors

• David has a ways to go. He's down 43 pounds from his staring weight -- which I think means he's up a couple of pounds since he left the ranch. Still, he's shed 10.93 percent of his total body weight, and a loss of 10 percent has great health benefits. I hope he can get motivated to do more.
• Aubrey looks great in a black sleeveless A-line dress, and is looking good, but not much thinner than when we last saw her. She's lost 55 pounds, or 22.09 percent. Her kids and her schedule have gotten to her, but she promises she'll get to her goal.
• Joelle has dropped 80 pounds, or 25.89 percent. I could do without the spangled black tea-length dress, which is perilously close to pageant wear .
• Laura wears a lovely black empire-waist cocktail dress, and she still has the dark hair. She looks great. She's lost 86 pounds, or 30.18 percent. I wonder how much more she would have lost if it hadn't been for her injury.
• Daniel also has a ways to go -- but he's dropped 142 pounds total, for 31.28 percent. Go, Dan!
• Blaine has shed 116 pounds, or 31.78 percent. He's wearing an unfortunate spring green shirt. I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time.
• Cathy has a chocolate-colored silk sleeveless wrap dress, and looks great. She's lost 95 pounds, or 32.42 percent.
• Shannon wears a great form-fitting black cocktail dress with a pink band around the empire waist. She's down 92 pounds, or 32.51 percent.
• Carla is looking damn good -- she's still a big woman, but she looks a hell of a lot healthier now, and she's working a gorgeous black satin shirtdress. Nice hair, too. She's down 128 pounds, or 33.77 percent. 
• Estella looks great, really fit and healthy. She's wearing a white ruffled sleeveless blouse and pencil skirt. I love her. She's lost 83 pounds, or 34.30 percent.
• Mandi is rocking a sunshine-yellow sundress and yellow heels -- it is, as Tim Gunn says, a lotta look, but she carries it off. She's down 92 pounds, or 34.98 percent.
• Damian has lost 136 pounds, or 35.7 percent. There's still has a bit of puffiness to him, but he looks good. 
• Filipe has shed 135 pounds, or 37.09 percent. We're seeing planes in his face that I never noticed before.
• Dane has lost 154 pounds, or 37.38 percent, but still looks beefy. That might just be the suit, which was a bit big for him. Tailoring, Dane!
• Sione is looking fiiiiiine, wearing blue suit pants and a vest. Yowza. He's lost 146 pounds, or 39.25 percent.
• Ron has shed an incredible 192 pounds -- 44.65 percent -- but he's still puffy. His tan suit doesn't really do anything for him. At least he's still beardless.
• Nicole is STUNNING -- she's wearing a black sleeveless cocktail dress with a plunging neckline and a red obi belt cinching in her tiny waist. Her arms are CUT. Like, Madonna-level cut. She's dropped 123 pounds, or 45.72 percent. Wow!
• Kristin decided to go pink -- and Pink. She's got the pop singer's platinum-blonde cropped hair, and is wearing a pink one-shouldered dress. Again, a lotta look. The hair might be a mistake. She's dropped 167 pounds -- !!! -- or 46.39 percent.
• Jerry looks amazing-- he's got to have lost an entire person at home. Not bad for someone who was only on the ranch for two week, and spent part of that time in the hospital! He just turned 64, and he dropped an incredible 177 pounds -- 47.97 percent!

Holy crap -- Jerry, the oldest contestant ever, wins the at-home prize! All the competitors seem genuinely happy for him, and his oldest granddaughter, Carson, runs up on stage to hug him. The crowd goes wild, chanting "Jerr-rry! Jerr-rry! Jerr-rry!" It's enough to make me get a bit weepyhave an allergy attack. That's why I'm sniffling. Really.

The big event
Helen, Mike and Tara face off. They all look incredible: Helen wears a fitted pink cocktail dress, and her arms are downright sinewy. Tara looks incredible in her blue and green fitted sheath dress, and her cheekbones could cut glass. You can really see the model in her. Mike is wearing a dark blue striped shirt and dark jeans, and he's tiny compared to his old self. Look! Cheekbones! He's a good-looking guy.

• Tara drops 139 pounds, or 52.72 percent. Wow
• Mike is down 181 pounds (!!!), or 53.35 percent.
• Helen drops 140 pounds, or 54.47 percent of her total body weight.  Holy crap!

Helen wins! That was NOT what I was expecting. I have to admit, Helen can annoy -- There's me, and I did this, and what about me, and did I mention ME ME ME?!? -- but I salute her achievement. Great job, Helen!

Highlights, thoughts and odds and ends

• Seriously: Three hours is too damn long. Quit it, show!
• The most noble bit of padding was a long promo for American food banks, which I really shouldn't complain about. They do amazing work. The Pound for Pound challenge pledged 2,926,027 pounds of food to food banks, which is incredible. There's still time to get in on the deal -- you can register for the Pound for Pound Challenge until May 31.
• Best celebrity guest in the food bank segment? Morgan Freeman. The Voice of God says support your local food bank! So does Easy Reader! DO IT, or the penguins get hurt!
• More padding -- America got to choose between two young, perky blond girls for the next season. They went with Amanda, a 19-year-old who skipped her own prom.
• Tara and Mike got applause from the audience when they were first announced. Helen and Ron... didn't.
• The show declined to mention a few inconvenient things. No one brought up Laura's fractured hip -- not even to ask how her recovery went. Harrumph. I wanted to know how she was doing. However, she's walking -- in heels! --so I imagine it's mostly healed by now.
• Mysteriously overlooked, part two: Alison mentions the word "marathon" to Blaine and Dane, and I think she's going to address Dane's not-really-completed marathon controversy. Nope --the cousins say they completed a half marathon, full marathon and Ironman triathlon in the three weeks before the finale. They show off their medals. I wonder if they actually finished any of them, either.
• Alison asks Sione and Filipe to do the Haka one last time and they oblige. I love that the other Tongans in the audience sing along with them.
• Carla and Joelle are speaking again, even raising their arms together in a victory sign. Joelle still prattles on, though. Joelle, for old time's sake: Shut it.
• Alison asks Aubrey about maintaining her weight, and Aubrey says she's mastered the art of  maintaining, but is having trouble actually losing more. I sympathize. I can't imagine getting ANYTHING done with five young kids in the house.

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