'American Idol': Clap hands, squeal with glee, Danny Gokey goes home!

Did Kris Allen do enough on last night's "American Idol" to play his way into the finals? The answer is yes!

The lead-in is a pimping for Night at the Museum 2. I immediately roll my eyes at Ben Stiller, but it turns out to be pretty funny. It ties in because American Idol now has a desk in the Smithsonian. They get in a nice Paula dig, too. "Where am I?" Snerk.

Seacrest welcomes us and tells us that 88 million votes came in. Holy crap, that's a lot. Seacrest then tries to make it sound impressive that 1 million votes separated the top 2. I mean, that's great and all, but it doesn't tell us much. It basically says two guys got lots of votes and one guy got, like, five votes.

Ford Music Video set to "Break My Stride." First there are rabid dogs, then scary clouds and then a traffic jam. To get rid of these obstacles, Cartoon Adam throws a steak at the dogs (much like Tim Curry in Clue), Cartoon Kris gets all fat and blows the clouds away and Cartoon Danny summons the power of Moses to part the cars with his mind. No, he turns into Mr. Fantastic and uses his giant rubber arms. It's kind of dumb.

More Idol Gives Back stuff, with Alicia Keys this time. Thank god they've ditched the weirdly upbeat and fairly inappropriate acapella "Africa" song. Alicia then introduces a Rwandan named Noah who sings "I'm the World's Greatest." The angel and devil on my shoulder are currently struggling, but I'll let the angel win and just say: good job, Noah. Also, if you text yes to 90999 you can donate $5 to the Keep a Child Alive fund, which is cool.

Seacrest brings Danny out on stage first for his Milwaukee Video. You know, Mil-e-wau-keh is Algonquin for "the good land." It goes like this: screaming people, the local news, screaming people, radio show, limo ride, screaming people, Jamar (yay!), screaming people, crazy woman in a sparkly dress/jammie pants/feather boa, parade, screaming people, Mountie, crying Danny, performance under the highway, screaming people, mayor, screaming people, Brewers game first pitch, and more screaming people. Also, we are reminded that his wife died 10 months ago. I think that's gotten a little shoved in our faces, but it's still remarkable that it is so fresh and he's come this far on Idol. That would just wreck me, I'm sure, so good for you, Danny.

Next Seacrest brings out Kris for his Conway Video. I do not know what "Conway" means in Algonquin. Kris's video goes: screaming people, local news, screaming kids, limo ride, radio show, performance in an ampitheater on a river (cool), screaming little girls that terrify me, parents' house, crying dad (awww), performance at his college, parade, pretty wife, baby, scary women in green wigs, screaming girls, performance in a park, Mayor, crying family, words of thanks, and more screaming people. He sure performed in a lot of places, didn't he?

Jordin Sparks interlude. She performs an R&B version of "Love is a Battlefield" or something. It's not great. I always liked Jordin quite a bit. She's on my list of Reality Slumber Party invitees, along with Carrie Underwood, Carly Smithson, Gina Glocksen, the Beauty Queens, Michelle from Survivor: Fiji, and Jun and twins Adria and Natalie from Big Brother. Wouldn't that be fun?

Adam's San Diego visit. San Diego is Spanish for "without Diego." True story. His video is: limo, local news, screaming people, snakeskin boots, screaming people, signing a guitar, radio show, screaming little girls and one old dude who wants Adam to sign his polo shirt, limo, more screaming girls, theatre group for kids, adorable little boy, limo, high school parade, cheerleaders, Mayor, streaker (And I hollered over t' Ethel, I said, "Don't look, Ethel!"), screaming girls, and a National Anthem performance.

Before we get any results, we have to listening to GD Katy Perry. I hate this girl. That "I Kissed a Girl" song makes me want to jam sticks in my ears. Not only is it a bad song, but the message makes me want to vomit. Like drunk college girls need more encouragement to make-out with each other for attention. Tonight she's doing "Woke Up in Vegas" and she's dressed like a slutty Elvis super hero. Also, guess what? Katy Perry can't sing. At all. This is effing terrible. If I wouldn't get in trouble, the slew of profanity that would be spewing out to express how I feel about this would make George Carlin blush.

Finally we have some results. 4 whole minutes of actual content. The first person safe is Adam Lambert KRIS ALLEN. I typed Adam and it's Kris! Oh boy! Oh boy!

Now I'm all nervous, y'all! Oh my gosh! And then we find out that the other finalist is...... Adam Lambert. WOOOOOOO!

If Allison couldn't be here, then thank god it's Adam and Kris. Oh happy day! I'm so pleased, guys! I'm still bitter Danny made it longer than Allison, but whatevs. Danny takes us out by ruining "You Are So Beautiful" again. Just sing it straight, man. Just straight. It's a beautiful song all on its own.

Anyway, this is just fabulous. I can't wait for next week. CAN'T WAIT! Simon takes us out by saying that Kris needs to remember that his second song made him a contender and then says something about a "big ding dong." Goodness.