'Harper's Island': Crackle

Welcome back to "Harper's Island," readers! Last week seemed to have mixed reviews so I'm hoping I can offer some incentive to keep watching. I hear that by the end of episode nine, over half the cast is dead and the show does not stick to killing "non-essentials." That is all.

Chariots of Fire (summary): Oh deer! JD Dunn puts a dead deer on Shane Pierce's truck with the word "Psycho" written in blood on the windshield and then someone puts a severed deer head in Henry and Trish's bathtub. Was that Shane's retaliation? Or someone else? We get our first introduction to the killer's booby traps in the woods via Reverend Fain and Cal. Uncle Marty's disappearance is explained away via a fake text from him to Henry about shacking up with some girl he met (smart killer!) and I'm pretty sure the missing head spade introduced in Act I will surely go off in a later episode.

Firestarter (key players tonight): Christopher "Sully" Sullivan, the best man, makes a play for Chloe despite her boyfriend Cal, but Chloe shoots Sully down while standing over the grave of John Wakefield and it's awesome. Kelly Seaver is a local girl whose mother was also killed by Wakefield. She is a tad obsessed with Abby Mills and how Abby left the Island and lives in Los Angeles. Later, Abby invites Kelly to come stay with her for awhile and discovers that Kelly is sleeping with JD Dunn.

St. Elmo's Fire (who died): We get our second episode in a row with multiple deaths. First we lose Reverend Fain in the woods, then Kelly Seaver appears to hang herself, and then Harper's Island's Paris Hilton knock-off, socialite Lucy Daramour, is offed. It was the pits. Ba-dump-ching!

Great Balls of Fire (how they died): Reverend Fain stepped in a booby trap, was strung up by his ankle and had his head swiftly and suddenly separated from his body via machete. Kelly hung herself from a rafter in her living room, but I smell a rat. She was way too happy about going to LA to kill herself. Lucy fell in a hole and was roasted, toasted and burnt to a crisp. The only witness was her rat-with-fur Gigi.

Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me (gruesome scale): Reverend Fain's death was a 1 out of 10. I've seen scarier stuff in frat boy-created haunted houses. Kelly's death, while not gory, was still pretty gruesome for me. The sight of hanging bodies always freaks me out. 7 out of 10. Lucy's death was decently gruesome, especially for network TV. The stuntwoman got quite a lot of screentime engulfed in flames and screaming. 8 out of 10.

In the Line of Fire (hope you die next): I'm adding Sully to my list with Shane Pierce and Hunter Jennings. They all scream psycho-ex-boyfriend/date-rapist to me, plus Sully just left poor Cal in the woods! What a douche. Kill 'em all!

Fire in the Sky (favorite lines):
[Sully finds Cal hanging by his ankle]
Cal: Sully, don't go!
Sully: You hang in there, buddy.

Courage Under Fire (best scare):
When Abby says that John Wakefield is dead, Kelly says, "Then how come I keep seeing him?" and Shane bursts in. That made me jump, even on second viewing.

Also, when Chloe finds Cal hanging in the woods I was on the edge of my seating waiting for him to either be dead or wake up very suddenly and startle Chloe (and us). He did neither and I appreciated the fake-out.

Man on Fire (lead suspects): Shane Pierce still seems sufficiently psycho enough but I am now adding JD Dunn to that list. And as my dark horse... it's pretty skeezy that Thomas Wellington purposely brought Hunter to the island to break up the wedding. When Daddy Dearest gets caught by Trish, he's a total Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire.

Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire (weekly death roster):
Cousin Ben: this was no boating accident
Uncle Marty: bridge to tear-in-halfia
Reverend Fain: someone should've given him a heads up
Kelly Seaver: you hang in there, buddy
Lucy Daramour: what a little firecracker!

Related:

    'Harper's Island' Death Watch: Who died when, who's left

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