'Gossip Girl': Edith Wharton's rolling over in her grave

Our band of merry East Siders is back, and this week on "Gossip Girl," their drama plays out against the backdrop of "The Age of Innocence" -- which should give you a crystal-clear picture of the pretense. But what's really at stake is Blair's collegiate future, a new betrayal, and Nelly Yuki going all Veronica on Blair's Heather Chandler.

I hate this fat suit, but I'll tell you the spoilers anyway...

Backstage before dress rehearsal, Blair's being genuinely insufferable about how fabulous her life is when Nelly Yuki (brilliantly decked out in a fat suit to play Granny Mingott) learns that she's won early admission to Yale. She's gotten Blair's spot, which was rescinded, sayeth the headmistress, when the school got an anonymous tip about Blair's naughty antics. "Yale considers hazing a faculty member a very serious offense," quips the headmistress. And Skull & Bones is a tea party.

Out front, Dan sees Rachel, who's been reinstated at Constance, being shunned by the other teachers. He lamely sends her a note via Jenny, and Rachel lamely replies by enclosing her apartment key and asking him to meet her. Come on. Rufus turns up at rehearsal and intercepts both the note and the key, showing up at Rachel's apartment as she creepily lights candles for a rendezvous with her 18-year-old student, and tells her to stay away from his kid. Rock on with your responsible parenting, Rufus.

Meanwhile, Serena, who's nursing a silly crush on her outrageously pretentious director, finds herself in the crosshairs of a Gossip Girl blast, which says she was only accepted to Yale so they could issue a press release about it. Only Blair and Dan know about this -- so the accusations start flying. For her part, Blair accuses first Serena and then Dan of being the source of her Yale ruination.

Dan the Dope finds himself mysteriously unable to stay away from Rachel (I don't get the attraction), and they end up sleeping together in the costume closet in what has to be one of the stupidest plot turns ever, complete with him stealing a move straight out of the Daniel Day-Lewis playbook. The Dan-Blair tension comes to a hilarious head in their carriage scene as they openly fight onstage.

The second act could pass for performance art, completely falling apart as everyone breaks character to complain about the tension and treachery of their lives. The best part is Dan-as-Newland-Archer, with a ridiculous accent that sounds like SNL's Bill Hader doing Vincent Price. It's actually pretty brilliant, and would be more so if it weren't fueled by Nate freaking out over what he thinks is Vanessa having a thing for Julian the pompous director. In fact, the conversation he thinks he overhears between them is actually Vanessa playing Serena's Cyrano as Blondie unsuccessfully tries to hit on Julian.

Then Dan figures it out: Rachel's the one who called Yale, and she's the source for the Gossip Girl blasts that have been trashing everyone. Apparently you can't teach 17-year-olds without actually becoming one. Blair closes in on Rachel, ready to do battle, but Rachel pathetically folds, and Blair just ends up feeling sad.

In the end, Dan manages to hang on to a shred of his former integrity, and Rachel decides to move back to Iowa. Which she tells him in a note that I would be able to take seriously if it weren't written in aqua blue ink. Probably with a pen with glitter and googly eyes on it.

Chuck runs into Carter with Elle, the girl from the party, who's desperate to get out of the country. Determined to be her white knight, Chuck arranges to get her out of the country with a fake passport -- courtesy of Carter (an odd decision). Chuck goes to see a friend of his father's about the kinky little "Eyes Wide Shut" club, and in the end seems genuinely shocked that this girl was only after his bankroll. Chuck, seriously. For a senior in high school who spends all of his time sauntering around and swilling scotch, you're awfully naive. In the end, he makes his way over to Blair's.

But Blair's not home. She's nursing a martini in a bar when Serena finds her to talk, and pledges that their best-friendship remains intact. But Blair wants to wallow. And try though she might, she's not alone for long -- here comes Carter.

A few other thoughts:

• While discussing Chuck's play absence with Dan, Nate gets in a beautiful little dig at the Piv mercury poisoning.
• I was going to mention the ridiculousness of using a book rather than a play as the basis for the spring show. Then I found a reference to "The Age of Innocence" being performed on Broadway in 1928-29. The Internet is a wonderful thing.
• Loved the turn by Charles Isherwood, who clearrly made a deal with the devil to be able to say his lines -- giving the play a great review -- with a straight face.
• I came to the "Gossip Girl" phenomenon a bit late, so I'm hoping someone can answer this question for me: Does Jenny serve a purpose? Or Nate, or Vanessa? I haven't seen one yet, so I'm just wondering. Insights welcome.

What did you think? Will Blair end up at Yale anyway? Do you think a Chuck-Blair-Carter triangle is coming? Is Nelly Yuki a closet Heather?