Finalewatch: 'Burn Notice'

Oh, Burn Notice, how I adore you. We close out the season with car chases, improvised explosives, very big booms, and a resolution, of sorts, to the Big Bad Plot. And the beauty of it is, now Michael's in bigger trouble than ever. Bliss!

Michael bonds with Victor, who is tied up in an abandoned warehouse. Victor makes a couple of escape attempts, a few efforts to beat Michael's brains out -- you know, the usual -- but eventually he shares his story. He's ex-CIA, and got burned when he was working in Mexico. His wife and son were brutally killed. With everything taken away from him, he was willing to let Carla recruit him into the shadowy black-ops world of ... whatever it is they're working for. Then he found out Carla killed his family, as part of her "recruiting process." That's why he's been trying to take down the organization.

Michael cuts Victor loose: Victor is now The Client (and oh, the look on his face in the freeze-frame when the subtitle comes up). Victor is incredulous: "Wait, you're going to help me? I get to be one of Michael Westen's clients? One of the desperate people to whom you lend your razor sharp mind and fists of fury?" Hell yeah, Victor. Now watch and learn.

Of course, Carla's folks are already after them, which necessitates some utterly awesome ass-kickery. A car chase and explosions follow (The effects folks saved their pennies for some fabulous fireballs this episode. Whee!) That's just a prelude: We then get a stand-off at a parking garage that ends with a Trojan SUV and another car chase, and then a gantlet of flaming, exploding cars, provided by Fi.

In the meantime, Sam is trying to get Madeleine to leave town, and when she delays (refusing to move until she learns what's really going on), they get in a standoff with several of Carla's thugs. Sam and Maddie improvise another spectacular fireball and make their escape in a cherry-red classic car. But Maddie won't let Sam take her out of town -- as a 60-somehting woman with bleached-blond hair, she blends in here. If she sticks to the senior circuit, she'll be almost impossible to find. Now go save my son! she tells Sam.

Victor has collected lots of blackmail material about how Carla abuses the system ("She'd send a black ops team to deal with a parking ticket"), which Victor thinks they can use to take her down and negotiate with management, then flee to Cuba. Victor and Michael repair to his boat to contact management, but Carla is waiting for them. Her goons shoot Victor, and she puts the hard sell on Michael. Management is coming (in that helicopter right there, as a matter of fact.) We need to give them a story. You can be the hero, or you can be the guy I blow up with a whole bunch of C4 that I've wired to the boat. When Michael doesn't want to play, she gets ready to detonate -- but she's shot through the heart. That came courtesy of Fi, who's hanging out with Sam in the woods. "Finally," Fi says, with some satisfaction. Ah, Fi. I love you.

But we've still got a problem: Management lands, and they need a good explanation for the carnage. Victor says that the only story that will work is that Michael uncovered him as the rogue agent and killed him. He's dead anyway, so Michael might as well get something out of it. Michael reluctantly shoots Victor in the chest. Then he goes out to meet the boss.

The boss is impressed with Michael's skills, and offers him a promotion. What do you want -- more money? A new location?  I want my life back! Michael snarls. Dude, do you have any idea what we've been doing for you? Management retorts. We've kept your many enemies at bay. You want out? Here's the door (which, we hasten to add, is in a helicopter hovering a fair distance over the ocean). But if you leave, we stop protecting you, and everyone you've pissed off in your long career of off-pissing will be gunning for you. Is that what you want?

Why yes, it is. Michael jumps from the chopper and ends up in the ocean, adrift, alone, with Miami seemingly miles in the distance. "When you find yourself out in the cold, all you can do is put your head down and try to survive," Michael says in voiceover. Then he starts swimming to shore, and to an uncertain future. Well, uncertain for him. Because I'm certain that for the viewers, the future will be utterly awesome.

Spy tips from Michael

• If you're shooting at another car and you don't have the benefit of high-caliber weapons, you've got a couple of choices -- shoot the windshield (boooo-ring!), or ricochet the bullets off the ground so they come through the undercarriage, which tends to be the least reinforced part of a car. Plus, bullets coming up through the floor tends to inspire panic.
• Brake fluid + chlorine dioxide + "some other stuff" (aw, you're no fun...) = big boom.
• Speaking of big booms -- non-diary creamer mixed with gunpowder makes an impressive fireball. Also, the big Christmas lights are best for improvising pyrotechnics with shotgun shells. Something to keep in mind when decorating...
• A fake utility box is a great place to hide something -- civilians tend to avoid things that say "Danger! High Voltage," and repair crews never touch it since it's fake and therefore never in need of repair.
• Spies often pose as service personnel. Other spies know this. So if you need a distraction, call the gas company and get them to make a house call.
• Make your own pepper bomb! Mix the chemical capsicium with alcohol and oil, load into a paint sprayer, pressurize with CO2, and voila! (Interestingly, the closed captioning told us capsicium is often added to birdseed to repel squirrels, and recommended adding birdseed to the oil and alcohol. That instruction wasn't in the audio track.)
• The most important skill for a spy is the ability to bullsh*t. Ok, fine, Michael puts it better: "In intelligence work, your most important tool, more important than any combat technique, any technical skill, is the ability to twist the facts of a situation to your own advantage. The worse the facts are, the more you've got to sell it."

Bonus tips from Sam

• Disneyworld: Happiest place on earth, but it's not just because of the rides. "It's a magical kingdom with lots of witnesses and great security," Sam informs Madeleine (and us).
• If a shadowy organization is hunting you, it's best not to go to the cops: The police will take you into the station, and the bad guys will know exactly where you are -- and that you're unarmed.

Highlights, thoughts and odds and ends

• It was a bad day to be a Canadian actor on Burn Notice...I'm bummed that both Carla and Victor are dead, because they were both such delicious characters.
• Once Victor joins Michael, he finally gets to revel in our spyboy's skills. "I like you, have I ever told you that?" Victor says after Michael produces the first of many fireballs. Then, when Fi creates Flaming Car Lane: "Where did you meet her?" Hee!
• Fi also comes around to Victor, a bit -- she's impressed by the claymore-mine boobytrap on his boat: "Nice work! Victor should probably teach a class or something."
• Madeleine exercises to Jack Lalanne -- with a  cigarette in her mouth.
• Sam destroys one of my cherished illusions about bad guys: "If someone's doing something off the books, they don't hand out decoder rings and build a mountain fortress." But... but... there's still the undersea  lair and the jumpsuit-wearing henchmen, right? Right?
• Fi exults over an arms deal: "I am better at buying guns than I am at buying shoes, and I'm am really good at buying shoes."
• Victor suggests fleeing to Cuba. Fi approves -- "Great music, lots of sexy unemployed men..." Too bad Michael wants her to stay here and guard Maddie...
• When Michael makes it clear that he's leaving and he wants Fi to stay, she kisses him. "It's not goodbye, it's just in case." Then she slaps him, hard. "And that is to remind you to be careful!" Michael definitely won't forget.
• Michael left his sunglasses in the helicopter with Management. Is that significant? They did linger on that at the end...