'America's Next Top Model' - The goddesses of bodices

The Bones

Good grief, I have never heard such shrieking and crying from pretty girls in my life. Oh, wait: it must be America's Next Top Model -- Cycle Twelve! This year's batch of leggy hamsters descends upon Las Vegas for a Very Toga Episode, donning Grecian gowns for a two quick photo shoots, a runway-gone-train-wreck walk off, and interviews with Tyra and The Two Jays. Tyra's first appearance is as -- no lie -- the Goddess of Fierce. But more on that later.

There are characters aplenty. I find myself rooting for Kathryn and her pen/anxiety collection, as well as nutjob conspiracy theorist Monique ... if there is a Goddess of Fierce, She would definitely keep these two loonies around for fun. Many of the girls have heartbreaking backstories ... er ... are really very beautiful, but overall this may be the roughest-looking group yet to cycle. (Is it makeover time yet? Please?)

Early on, Miss J professes his love for otherworldly being Teyona (she does not have wind-in-the-hair, she has -- as Nigel and Tyra quip -- "Wind-in-the-face"). Tyra fawns over a couple girls, notably Crazy Eyes Allison and Natalie, while The Two Jays look at her like "huh?" Everyone agrees Sandra is drop-dead gorgeous.  No one mentions Celia is, like, a little old (25).  

The group is whittled down from approximately 100 to 21 to 13 lovely gals now in the running. The girls meet their new house and bounce off the walls shrieking like crazed animals, fighting over beds and bitching about each other. Their first "real" photo shoot addresses an issue Tyra is passionate about: creepily sexualizing underage girls in the name of fashion. (Oh, wait, no -- it was about girls growing up too fast.) Crazy Eyes Allison is called first for having the best picture. Isabella, the very sweet girl with epilepsy, heads home ...presumably because producer Ken Mok lost his marbles when he saw the insurance premiums he'd have to pay out for subjecting that poor girl to strobe lights 24/7.

The Pretty

Some of the girls are gorgeous. Burn survivor Tahlia is brave and fierce (even if she may not quite look like a top model). Aminat is all legs and rocks the catwalk like it's her job. Teyona, Allison and Fo all give good photo.  

The Ugly

Where. To. Start. Sandra's personality? Those crappy, grainy photos from the photo shoot? The insane shrieking and crying? Angelea's green talons? Aw, they all get a pass this week because I'm so excited ANTM is back.

Next week though? They need to chill out.

Oh, Tyra, Please

The Goddess of Fierce? Really? You had to come out and give that ridiculous speech while those maniacs cried and screamed and worshiped you? Well, it's okay. All was forgiven when Celia wept tears of joy and exclaimed, "She's an extraterrestrial!"

Oh, hey, P.S.

You may have noticed this wasn't written by Jordan, your previous trusty ANTM recapper.  That lucky girl is off getting her Vogue on with Benny Ninja and couldn't make it. Hopefully there is room in your heart for a new recapper this season ...I know I'm looking forward to it.

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