'America's Next Top Model': Posin' and exposin'

The Bones

Sandra doesn't know Rule #1 of "America's Next Top Model": The Mighty Shall Fall. How else to explain her extended remix of self-love back at the mansion? "I am better than all the other girls," she smirks. One win after weeks of losing, and this girl is gonna ride it like its stolen.

Her picture wasn't that great, Fo and Aminat grouse. But any further juicy Sandra-bashing is interrupted by the arrival of Toccara from Cycle 3, one of the more likeable gals to cruise thru the series. She is there to have one of those heart talks with the girls about how important personality is in a Top Model. (Did Naomi Campbell get that memo?) She is sweet and fun, but when she leaves she admits none of the girls are especially memorable. Ouch.

The girls are summoned for a training session ... with Benny Ninja! Benny is fun and dramatic, but homey's poses are not modeling. Given this show is not usually about modeling, we're good: I love Mr. Ninja. The girls have a pose-off, set to music, which is some mighty cringe-inducing television. Celia and Aminat redeem themselves, but dang, watching any of the rest of them was just too painful for words. They've got some learning to do.

And they'd better do it fast, because that evening they'll be put to the test. Now, this test is one of the most bizarre things I have ever seen. "Tonight is an event for the fashion elite of New York," Benny exclaims, a suspect statement when it comes to ANTM. The girls will be dressed in duds from The Blonds: mister and missus from the looks of it, tho the missus does appear to be a man underneath that hair and make-up. Next, our aspiring models will have a few seconds to strike a number of poses on the catwalk while being cheered or booed by the assembled crowd.

When the competition begins, I wonder if the fashion elite of New York are uniformly young, handsome gay men dressed in J. Crew and the women who love them (plus a couple queens seriously bringing the Boy George thing). But we mustn't linger on that as the posing begins: a few pleasant surprises, some bombs -- hello, Sandra -- and Natalie and Celia as the two finalists. In a pose-off it's Celia for the win.

Back at the house, Tahlia delves deeply into a pity party. She wants to leave. The competition is hard. She's not cut out for this. Her dress is too tight. She is, in fact, one of the biggest downers of all time. Celia declares it would be a travesty if anyone else got sent home when Tahlia is so clearly out of the game ... foreshadowing! And for once I must amen Natalie when she observes Tahlia is happy to be there when she's doing well, but quickly gives up when she's not. Way to compete, Tahlia.

The photo shoot is cool. The clothes and vibe are Ellis Island-inspired, the camera is one of those old ones that you need to stay really still for, and the previous training/challenge actually comes into play.

Some of the models are learning -- Teyona, Allison, and Tahlia -- while others are fading right out of the shot. "Sandra is one of my biggest disappointments to date," Mr. Jay snipes. London and Natalie have the foresight to create characters for themselves, but it's clear based on Jay's direction this one might be rough-going for some of the girls. 

Panel commences with 18 minutes left in the show. You know what means? There's going to be DRAMA.

Sandra looks "like a deer in headlights," according to guest judge Benny, and he doesn't think Kortnie looks like a model at all. Nigel confesses he finds Kortnie super hot, but the photos just don't work ... Tyra says she needs tension. Everyone loves Allison and her editorial look even if she can't pose so well, and Tahlia -- yeah, her -- blows everyone away with a hot mamacita photo.

It's Tahlia's lucky day: she's called first while the other girls stare rays of death at her. Sandra and Kortnie are the bottom two, and Kortnie gets the boot. We do get a satisfyingly terrified look from Sandra, but victory is fleeting. No doubt she will have a hundred reasons for why she is number one next week. 

Except! Celia steps up and tells the judges it isn't fair for Kortnie to leave when Tahlia is the one who has been saying she wants to go home.

Words cannot describe the look Tyra gives Celia. It's like channeling Medusa, Sharon Osbourne and a dragon all at once. "What is truly unfair," she says slowly, so even the dumbest among them may understand, "is you saying that to me." She rips Celia a short and sweet new one for being a tattletale, and Celia looks like she might die.

On the upside? Kortnie is a very gracious loser. As she leaves she smiles and say, "hopefully the house won't be too crazy once I leave."

Oh Kortnie. Don't you know ANTM Rule #2? Give crazy unto the viewers. Next week can't get here fast enough.

The Pretty

Grainy photos: on purpose for once. Though not all the models' shots were excellent, I thought the photos were still pretty neat.

Teyona's photo shoot was gorgeous. She was acting with her eyes; Tyra should have been more proud.

Celia is quite the poser. As she got reamed by Tyra there at the end, I was hoping she would burst into some poses and dazzle TyTy into submission.

The Ugly

Yay, Sandra's attitude is back. Maybe she and Natalie can just keep trading off.

Benny's posing training session with the girls was just was brutal. Ouch.

Oh, Tyra, Please.

I am not condoning Celia stepping up and opening up her mouth about Tahlia. Don't be a snitch, Celia. But it's not so very hard to imagine Tyra might care to learn such a thing about one of the girls ... so when she goes all wide-eyed and Hannibal Lector on the girl, you just can't help but feel a little sorry for her. Was Tyra just mad she didn't get to confront Tahlia about it first?

The Poll

So sorry, Nijah, but Tyra could not make you into a supermodel: 53% of you said she needed to skedaddle, and 27% thought she should take Teyona's old weave with along with her. (We had a bunch of write-ins for Natalie, and I can't say I blame you.) Let's rate this week's drama.