'America's Next Top Model': Charm farm

The Bones

It should be pretty obvious you're marked for death when, 30 seconds into the episode, we're reminded Paulina called you "a beautiful corpse" at your last shoot. "America's Next Top Model," you are many delightful things ... one of those is not "subtle." And yet, we love you.

But let's hold off passing judgment for a moment. Someone has got to: Natalie has judgments enough for all of us. After all, she "is a great model" who "has an edge." And she is only too happy to share her vast modeling knowledge with the other girls, most of whom have the good sense to roll their eyes.

Our lesson finds the young ladies attending Miss Jay's Charm School. Much unlike Vh1's "Charm School," sadly. This distinguished institution is ruled with a velvet fist by a tranny soccer mom -- er, Miss Jay. (Like for real. What was that outfit?) He loves Natalie's walk; Tahlia, Kortnie, and Allison not so much. 

Of Allison, he says with delicacy, "She has a very special look" ... and then stares off into the distance, eyes bugged out.  Sometimes I so love Miss Jay.

But he can't possibly teach these girls alone, so he brings in Cycle 9's Bianca and Chantal. You remember Chantal, right? The one who knocked over a Chinese guy on stilts during her final runway? Hopes were running high she would commit some other terrific faux pas. Alas no. Sad.

After school, the girls play truth or dare. When they are not busy sticking their tongues in each others' nostrils, Natalie gets a "truth" question: "Who had the worst picture last week?" Now, here is a lesson, young Natalie. When confronted with a question like that, there is only one correct answer and that is no answer. But Natalie has plenty of opinions about the other girls, so she names Tahlia, who promptly leaves the room bawling. 

Tears dried, the girls report to Jill Stuart -- an actual, successful designer -- and prepare to walk the runway. Because these challenges are never enough as-is, they are given multiple huge shopping bags, an obstacle course and their fellow models on the runway. It seems like a recipe for disaster, but they pretty much pull it off. Natalie "takes risks" and does a swirly turn on the runway.  Despite this, she is the winner. So sayeth she, "I screwed up and still my walk proved to be better than theirs." 

Back at the house Tahlia has a tearful call with her sister, giving her -- cue violins -- the strength to go on. She'll need that strength, because her shoot is with Natalie (and Teyona).The models are broken into groups, and their assignment is to embody the area of NYC they're being photographed. Fun idea, but at panel the judges are mostly underwhelmed. 

Kortnie and Nijah are SoHo artistes ... awkward, un-pretty artistes, that is. As Wall Street power brokers, Aminat and Fo knock it out of the park; the judges l-o-v-e Aminat's photo, and indeed she is actually doing some modeling instead of just standing there looking fierce. Celia and Sandra are uptown nannies in a shoot Miss Jay approvingly says, "is so editorial, I absolutely love it."

London and Allison are frenemy socialites, and their photo is totally blah. Tyra makes the "wah waaah" sound effect: ouch. And no one is excited about Natalie, Teyona and Tahlia's shoot; the best thing about it is Tahlia actually looks a teeny tiny bit like a model if you squint your eyes real hard.         

After deliberating, the judges name Sandra the winner. She's followed by Aminat and Tahlia.  The bottom two are Allison and Nijah, who are "there for very different reasons" (thanks, Tyra), one of which is that Nijah lost the tension she had week 1. No way are they getting rid of little bush baby Allison (am I right or what?) so it's Nijah and her beautiful corpse that must hit the highway.

The Pretty

The hair and make up for the photo shoot was hot. The final photos, not so much. 

This has got to be the strongest group of walkers in recent memory. Some of the girls weren't great, but none were egregiously bad in the Jill Stuart show. 

The Ugly

On one hand, I am grateful for no Sandra-tude this episode. On the other hand, Natalie stepped right up to the plate and delivered. Um, thanks?

I continue to believe there is something seriously up with the quality of the photos: they are grainy, low resolution. However, Zap2it's fabulous Miss Korbi checked into it and ANTM says nope, nothing about the photos has changed from previous seasons.   

Paulina Porizkova, Goddess of the Fierce, We Kneel Unto Thee

My girl Paulina brought it tonight. Kortnie and Nijah's shoot was "lame." Allison looked "like a hungover Olsen twin" but ultimately, "it is rare to find someone who looks that freakish." I secretly want her and Miss Jay to overthrow Tyra and run the show themselves.   

Vote!

Vote for who you think should've been sent packing - I'll let you know our winner (and any honorable mentions) next week!