'Rock of Love Bus': Where's Missouri?

Tonight's Rock of Love Bus opening recap really summed up what we've learned in the past month: Brittanya is dumb, Natasha has a man-voice and Marcia is a drunken buffoon. Look out St Louis, they are on their way!

Not surprisingly, however, none of them know what state St. Louis is in. Further, none of them are quite sure where Missouri is, either. As they puzzle themselves with geography, Brett ponders why he hasn't "felt a connection" to any of the girls yet. And by "felt a connection" he means with his penis. The only solution, of course, is to take them to the Hustler Club. Beverly is less than thrilled to find herself at yet another strip club, while Ashley and Farrah squeal with the joy of a homecoming.

The challenge this week is to take three purposefully (and artlessly) frumpy girls and make them hot. The team of bus-hos that tarts their girl up the best, wins a date with Brett. So, they get to cheapening Kami, Jamie and Jennifer and trashing the girls of the other teams. Such as when Farrah says Jamie looks like a recovering heroin addict dressed by experimental monkeys. Experimental monkeys? Sweetie, stick to speaking monosyllabically, okay?

As Brett looks the new-hos over, he decides that there s a three way tie and he will take each team captain on the date. And in a twist that shocks no one, he also decides to keep the three noobs. None of the old-hos are thrilled, but they clap awkwardly. Which annoys Brett because he wanted more drama than that. He brushes it off as irritation that none of the girls get upset with decision, so that must mean none of them are really there for him. Please, he's not there for finding love either. All of them are there for trashy fame that will embarrass their families for years to come.

The noobs are conveniently packed and all have their own tawdry clothing made from the best synthetic fibers made in Taiwan. Yet, when they try to integrate with the existing girls, Brittanya lashes out. It seems that she thinks the noobs are ugly and she resents being categorized as equal to them. Which is fair, since I resent being categorized with her as a female. Ashley has a more constructive way to deal with her angst. She heads to Brett's bus to complain, back Natasha, and make out. All of which impresses Brett, because he's classless.

Brett takes Farrah, Natasha and Mindy on a river boat date. Farrah boasts that she will have no trouble shining compared to the other two girls, but in reality, Brett spends all his time with Mindy and Natasha, while Farrah tries to figure out a way to cross her arms over her inflated chest. Brett finds Mindy sexy and refreshingly uncatty and thinks Natasha is fun to talk to. But since Ashley pointed out that she sounds like a dude, he can't stop thinking about her with an adam's apple. He even attempts to ask her about her gender, but says he chickened out.

All the same, when they get back, Brett sends Big John to get Ashley, which ticks Beverly off. We see him play a song for her, while she sits stiffly on a bench, and then they go to the back of the bus and close the door. Ashley returns a few hours later and giggles with Farrah about what happened, while Farrah sulks that she wishes she had been invited to at least hold the camera. *squick*

Next, in an attempt to cause further drama, Brett decides to take out the noobs. Which also ticks Beverly off. They go bowling and he admits it was a nicer date than he'd had with any of the other girls yet and the noobs all congratulate themselves on their superiority. They return and Brett goes to work out, only to interrupted by Brittanya. She is wearing an outfit that defies logic, which he appreciates. But apparently, she is used to never having to do more than look cheap because when Brett tries to get her to talk with him, she can't manage much beyond nodding and the occasional "yeah."

When it comes down to elimination, Brett decides to keep the noobs. Ashley calls out "That's lame!" from her place, but cheers up when she is the next person called to stay on the tour. Seems like their "connection" bumped up her importance to Brett. Less important is Natasha. Brett swears it has nothing to do with her manliness, but if that were the case why bring it up over and over again? Natasha cries over her elimination and gives us her parting sentiments: "I hope he doesn't end up with a stupid wh_re!"

Um. Has she never looked around?

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