'Life on Mars': Carnal High Jinks

Life on Mars finally exposes the truth to all those pesky U.F.O. sightings that dominated the '70s. It was either Martians or a wicked acid trip. Either way is pretty cool.

These spoilers suddenly crave a Fanta.

Sebastian Grace is your stereotypical one-hit-wonder rock star. He's got money, booze, and groupies. With that, he's been bombarded with death threats. Gene assigns Skelton to the case, who apparently has a man crush on Sebastian. One gaggle of geese later, Skelton is surrounded by beautiful women and a whole lotta drugs. Best. Detail. Ever.

Sam, meanwhile, is still reeling from his hanky panky in the file room with the lieutenant's daughter. He decides to end things with her for fear of retaliation from his boss, but Maria has sex on the brain. It must have taken every ounce of strength in his body to kick that little strumpet out of his place.

Turn your back for one second, and a rock star will disappear. Skelton lost Sebastian. Luckily, he follows the bright red van all the way to Jersey where he and his groupie, Rocket Girl, are looking for flying saucers. Skelton has a grape soda, provided by Sebastian, while he waits. Did I mention it was laced with acid? Suddenly, a bright white light appears--and Rocket Girl is gone.

The 1-2-5 has managed to track down the meadow, where Skelton is just coming down from his wicked high. Sebastian stumbles out of the weeds and explains that the aliens took his groupie. For some reason, the cops don't look like they buy that explanation.

Rocket Girl's real name is Emily Wyatt. Apparently she became a groupie at a young age and her father stopped caring about her a while ago. Or maybe he does care and knows he can't do anything about it. Skelton is still convinced that aliens were involved. He remembers the flying grape soda and thinks they should talk to an FBI paranormal expert.

Back to the Sam/Annie/Maria love triangle... let the cat fight begin! Annie confronts Maria about messing with Sam's future at the 1-2-5. Maria thinks Annie is jealous. Then they tear each other's clothes off and start an old-fashioned pillow fight. Or at least that's what my notes say.

Donna, Rocket Girl's fellow groupie, might have a clue. There's some fat creepy dude who's obsessed with RG and might have offed her. His name is Carl Stefanski and he's got a mean mullet. Ray and Sam raid his apartment. All they find is a shrine dedicated to RG and a few death threats to Sebastian. Circumstantial, your honor!

Well, if things never escalate between Sam and Annie, Sebastian is willing to step in. He flirts with her from behind bars. She seems secretly flattered. Is it just me or is the guy who plays Sebastian, Cheyenne Jackson, one of the best guest stars on TV this year? This guy is a really good actor. Think about it.

Wallace Shawn, how we love you. Especially when you're playing a guy named The Sorcerer. He gives insight into the alien abduction theory, saying that people report getting abducted and then plopped back down in the same spot but years earlier. Kind of like Sam. So now Sam thinks he was taken from 2008 by little green men. Awesome.

He decides to go back to the field and search for clues. Instead, he finds the space ship. Suddenly, everything goes white. Then we see Sam emerging from a big pit of muck--with Rocket Girl in tow. She's dead but has conveniently skipped the rigamortis step of decay. Apparently it was a military aircraft all along. Don't worry, we still believe.

As much as Sam tried to stop himself, he finally caves in to Maria's tempting bod. That little hussy is so sneaky. Meanwhile, Annie has shown up with a sexed-up new look to invite Skelton, not Sam, to Sebastian's next show. Oh burn. To top off Sam's bad luck, Gene has figured out that Sam had relations with his little girl in the file room. Beware the wrath of Loot.