'Gossip Girl': Notes on a Scandal

 When last we left the spoiled brats of Gossip Girl, college acceptances dominated every conversation, relationships hung in the balance, Chuck was re-ensconced as the head of his father's empire, and Blair's lust for revenge knew no bounds. And it's really not that much different tonight.

Spoilers and smears, straight ahead...

We begin with Blair doing her appointed detention in Central Park, cleaning up trash like a community service project. But of course, she's not the one cleaning; it's my new favorite character, Dorota. Blair's yapping on the phone to Serena, who mentions that she likes Ms. Carr because she's the only teacher who's ever taken her seriously -- which tells Blair that Serena's not likely to be recruited into her scheme for Ms. Carr's ruination. Blair's eye-batting for her father when he stops by her "worksite" is ridiculous, and Dorota hits the nail on the head by calling her out on her phony martyr act.

As she goes to meet Ms. Carr to give her an extra credit assignment, she finds Dan already there, getting feedback from the teacher on his writing. Sensing something possibly amiss, Serena decides not to turn in her extra credit.

Meanwhile, Chuck -- oh, how I've missed Chuck -- awakens in a hotel room, his head swimming with flashbacks straight out of Eyes Wide Shut (though thankfully sparing us the ponderous dialogue and wooden acting) and what looks like a tattoo of a kind of cloverleaf (think Heidi Klum's ever-present jewelry) on the inside of his right wrist. Now, what 17-year-old boy wouldn't be intrigued? He enlists Nate and Vanessa on a fact-finding mission to the party from the night before -- the ultimate private gentleman's club -- took place.

At school, Blair announces to the heathers that it's time for a takedown now that her community service is over. To her surprise, they don't bite. But she doesn't go down without a persuasive fight. "If an outsider can come in here and tell us how to run things after all these years, then everything we've stood for is nothing," she argues, inspirational music swelling behind her. "This is not about Yale. This is about our legacy. What we do here today echoes through eternity. Who's with me?" Uh, no one. That is, until the headmistress announces a new school policy: students must check their cell phones when they enter the building. And of course, the policy is the brainchild of one Ms. Carr. Now Blair has their attention.

The ever-resourceful Blair gets Dorota to sneak several phones in for her and her minions (Nelly Yuki wants to check the Dow -- priceless.), and orders them to start digging up some dirt. "We're gonna run that commie cornhusker straight outta Constance!" she vows. Oh brother. But there's nothing. Ms. Carr's the Midwestern Mother Theresa. But Blair's not one to let the truth stand in the way of revenge. She sees Dan in the hallway with Ms. Carr -- he totally ran into her on purpose; it was so obvious -- and texts Gossip Girl: "Lonely Boy and Ms. Carr? Mary Kay Letourneau alert!" Oh, Blair -- this is beneath you.

Jenny clues Dan in as to why he's been reaping grubby boy congratulations, and Blair acts like an insecure ninny by confronting him. Two and two equals Blair, which culminates in Dan following her into the girls' room to call her out on her rumor mongering. Like she cares. Serena ends up explaining to Ms. Carr about the rumor and the Gossip Girl site, and in turn Ms. Carr goes to the headmistress.

At the empty house where the party was held, Chuck, Vanessa and Nate find a photo of a woman Chuck refers to as the most beautiful woman in the world or some such nonsense. She's holding a baby. Uh oh -- Chuck's into mommies now? Nope. Turns out the house is for sale, and the real estate broker explains that the she's the nanny. The Bass name persuades the broker to inadvertently leave the seller's information lying around, and Chuck finds out that the nanny's name is Elle, and last night she was supposedly in Connecticut watching the kids.

It's High Noon in the headmistress' office, and Rachel confronts Blair about being the source of the rumor, which of course Blair denies. Since Gossip Girl had mainly focused on students and no one complained, the school turned a blind eye, the headmistress says. But now it involves a teacher, which means they have to do something about it. Someone came forward and ID'd Blair as the source, and another witness corroborated. Oh Nelly Yuki, you're wilier than I'd have thought. And Blair's expelled.

Blair's in bed, in her "darkest hour" when her father comes in. If you started that rumor, there's a legitimate case of slander at hand, he says. She admits posting something on Gossip Girl, but swears it was the truth. And like a good Daddy, he's off to defend his girl's honor at the parents' council meeting. Rufus got a call about the meeting too, and he's none too thrilled.

Unable to stay out of it, Serena meets Ms. Carr to try to persuade her to get the headmistress to back down a little. But to her credit, Rachel doesn't budge. She does, however, forget her day planner, which notes where her next "meeting" is -- and of course it's with Dan. Not knowing when to leave well enough alone, Dan wants to apologize. She starts to cry a little. Dan comforts her, smoothing the hair out of her eyes -- which of course Serena sees when she goes to the coffee shop to return the day planner. Ever willing to believe the worst explanation, Serena snaps a photo with her phone and leaves. Dan goes in for a totally inappropriate hug, but Ms. Carr rebuffs him.

"I can't believe we're all here on a Saturday night," Lily says to Rufus as they go into the parents' meeting. "That's a lot of cancelled restaurant reservations." Nice. There's talk of free speech issues and an injunction to close down the Gossip Girl site. Then Blair rushes in, having e-mailed Serena's photo to the headmistress, and it's put on the projection screen for all to see. "I believe this is called exculpatory evidence," Blair says. "I love 'Damages.'"

Serena and Dan have a stupid fight in the hall -- why didn't you tell me the truth, blah blah blah -- and when the meeting ends, Blair's reinstated at school and Ms. Carr's been fired. Then Serena and Dan go and break up -- thankfully, because their exchanges have just gotten boring.

The next day, Serena takes the day planner back to Ms. Carr and tries to apologize, while Blair's father, clad in the same J.Crew sweater I bought my brother-in-law for Christmas, prepares to leave. I saw a different side of you last night, and I'm disappointed, he tells her. But I was right, she protests. You were lucky, he said. And it's more important that you grow up to be a decent person than a Yale graduate, he says.

While this drama's going on, Chuck's learning from Elle, who meets him at the empty house (oh, and incidentally appears to be a prostitute), that his invitation was meant for his father. He was part of a group of the world's most powerful people, and if they knew she'd let an outsider in she'd be in trouble. Then it turns out Elle didn't make it back to her employer's house, and is missing. Going through his father's safe, Chuck finds dozens of the kind of address card invitations that he received, and realizes his father was kinkier than he'd imagined and into something nefarious.

The headmistress makes a housecall to Lily's, explaining to her (head of the Parents' Council) and Rufus that because the board of visitors isn't convinced there's enough evidence to warrant Ms. Carr's firing, and because there's a risk that Ms. Carr could sue for wrongful termination, she'll be allowed to keep her job. She's on her way over to Ms. Carr's to give her the good news. But surely she'll be surprised. Dan went over to apologize (again), and he and Ms. Carr -- who figures she doesn't work at Constance any more, so what the hell -- get, uh, passionate.

What did you think? Will Blair's unquenchable blood lust finally be sated after this episode, or is she not that self-aware? Are you glad that Dan and Serena have broken up? Will Dan and Ms. Carr get caught? What's your best guess about Bart's shadowy group --  Freemasons, or the Priory of Scion?

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