'True Beauty' is a True Charity Case

Over the past week, I've run 15 miles, done 700 sit-ups, and whitened my teeth to the shade of snow. I had decided to try out for the next season of True Beauty... but then I remembered that I graduated college without sleeping with my professors and I tend to pay for my clothing. Back to sloth and gluttony for me.

These spoilers have just learned that The Tuck is back.

Last week on True Beauty, Chelsea was spared elimination because of Hadiyyah-lah's lackadaisical attitude toward coffee. And believe you me, Chelsea's learned a lesson. Not a real lesson, but a lesson that only applies in the world of self indulgence. Back at the mansion, everyone is talking smack about Chelsea until she walks in the door. They don't even bother to feign excitement, as the only positive comment they say to her return is "Your boobs look fabulous." To be fair, they did look nice and perky.

Life in the House of Pretty People returns to normal, i.e. squabbles over jeans that cost more than my rent and the benefits of a cardboard smoothie.

Finally, Vanessa materializes to bobble her way through the hosting gig. She explains the details of their next challenge. They'll be going to Melrose Avenue to shop for a "club opening." The catch? They'll only get $100 for each team of three. The record screeches to a halt and everyone decides to panic. Ashley immediately starts bragging about her multi-million dollar wardrobe, while I roll my eyes and remind myself to buy an $8 package of underwear at Target tomorrow.

Side note-- Here are a list of things better spent with $100 than an outfit from Melrose: 276 ribbed condoms, 101 songs from iTunes, 52 gallons of gas, 28 boxes of Easy Mac, or 5 minimum payments on the credit card. Basically, all of life's essentials.

Team 1: Laura, Billy, Julia decide that flirting is the best way to go. While Laura hates running (unless it's in slow motion) she loves to show the girls off for free goodies. It doesn't come to that, as the manager of the store decides to give them all free clothing for being so darn attractive. They all pass the secret challenge and give to the fake charity fund.

Team 2: Ashley, CJ, Chelsea also jump on the charity bandwagon, but not in a good way. CJ decides that they should pretend to represent a charity and make innocent bystanders give them clothes and money. Chelsea apparently has a fraction of a heart, because she wants no part of the shenanigans. CJ eventually realizes it's too dishonest, but Ashley refuses to quit. She even takes a guy's AIDS bracelet because, I'm presuming, it'll match her slutty shoes perfectly. CJ was the only one to give to the "real" fake charity.

Team 3: Joel, Ray, Monique take on a different approach. Mo ingeniously offers to trade the outfit she wore in for a nice black dress. The manager, who's too busy staring at her boobs, agrees on the exchange. Billy was the only one who added to the money jar for the charity.

It's time for the contestants to strut their stuff at the "new club opening." Vanessa explains that the winner will also get a $5000 shopping spree, to will hopefully be enough for a belt or two. Apparently, someone forgot to tell Ray that he wasn't supposed to dress up like Tony Manero. Mo, complete with a wig named "Gisele," looked like she was going to the racetrack. More confusion came when CJ refused to walk down the stairs like everyone else because the cold metal would corrode his precious bare feet.

Billy ends up winning the challenge because of his total mancrush on Nolé Marin, but thanks to him I now know it's OK to tuck in my shirt again. Thanks for the update, Mr. Blackwell. CJ is one of the losers, along with Malibu-Stacy wannabe Ashley. Naturally, they didn't see the problem with their outfits. CAN'T YOU SEE HOW BEAUTIFUL THEY ARE?

The next day, CJ and Ashley head to the Hall of Beauty for the elimination. Just like last week, they'll be faced with another hidden challenge. As each contestant is entering the building, a fake bike messenger will take a nasty spill right in front of them. If they help him up, they pass. But, eww, strangers are yucky! No one's surprised when CJ helps the guy up, adding color commentary like "You straight, man?" and "What was you doin'?" Ashley just kind of stares with her mouth agape... like usual.

The judges blast CJ first for wearing jeans to the Hall of Beauty. Tsk, tsk. It's a good thing he's so good lookin'. Ashley, on the other hand, looks gorgeous. But she's eliminated anyway... and she's about to find out why. They show her all the footage of her bitchery. She doesn't even look surprised, nor does she apologize for telling that stranger that his money will go toward her dog's cancer fund. In fact, she blames it all on CJ. What a class act.

Marc Jacobs tote bag: $1295
True Religion jeans: $341
Christian Louboutin pumps: $575
Embarrassed on national television: Priceless

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