There is no justice on 'The Biggest Loser: Couples'

This week, The Biggest Loser: Couples toyed with our emotions by dangling a whiny, annoying and otherwise detestable contestant in front of us, then booting off someone who everyone seemed to really like. Show! Quit making Alison cry!

If talking burned calories like running, this spoiler would weigh approximately 90 pounds.

Hello, and welcome to The Joelle Show! Because yes, this week seemed to be all about Joelle, and how she canNOT SHUT UP. Never! I'd say that even working out didn't get her to stop flapping her gums, except I'm not entirely sure we saw her really work the entire time. I know it's a brutal workout regime, but Joelle, you stayed when your partner, Carla, went, and that means you've got to work. Complain if you must -- god knows I'd be muttering curses the entire time -- but actually do the work. If you weren't going to work, you damn well should have gone home and let Carla stay. Shut it!

Act one of the Joelle Show occurred when Alison introduced the very first temptation challenge, offering $5,000 for the first person willing to quit the show. Most people stepped away from the line, but Joelle was tempted. Then Alison upped the amount to $10,000. Cue more waffling from Joelle. Alison's final offer was $25,000. At this point, I was almost hoping Joelle would take the money and run (well, more like amble) just so I wouldn't have to hear her anymore, but she held out. Curses.

Bob tries psychology on Joelle, who says all the right things, often and with great vigor. But she talks the talk a lot, and I don't see much walking. That becomes evident in the gym, where the camera catches her resting a lot. Now, it's possible that this is tricky editing, but I doubt it. No one seems to have any respect for her.

The Challenge
We get a brief intermission from the Joelle show during the challenge, which involves peddling a sea kayak (yeah, that confused me, too) from a boat to the beach, then trekking up a steep hill to the flag. Winner gets immunity. Top four get a phone call home. Last one up gets a one-pound penalty.

Blaine steps into the role of annoyance temporarily vacated by Joelle. Dude, I'm totally taking this! I can't lose! I rock! Worship me! So I'm very pleased to see Tara and Helen quite close to Blaine on the sea leg, and then Tara pass him on the land leg. Tara actually jogs up a steep bit, and Blaine gets poleaxed by fatigue. Tara wins it! Whee! Blaine is a close second, and Mandi and Helen follow close behind. Jerry and Dan trail the pack, with Dan last. He's exhausted, but Tara, Mandi and Helen walk down to meet him and urge him up the hill. Blaine comes down and grabs his hand, helping him along. Blaine convinces Dan that he can make it across the line on his own, which he does. It's incredibly sweet. See? This is the sort of thing I like to see on this show, not idiot gameplay. Bravo!

The workouts
We're back to all Joelle, all the time. She parrots Bob's self-care speech, talks about striving and being worth it, but she just... isn't... working like everyone else. Looking around at everyone else, she says "They can't breathe, they're throwing up, and going to those levels is really really hard for me." Joelle, they're really really hard for everyone -- that's why Mike can't breathe and Tara is throwing up. No one comes to this naturally. No one is having an easy time. They all hurt, they're all terrified, they're all exhausted and in pain. But they're actually doing what their trainers say.

Finally, Bob loses it. I'm giving you what I've got! Joelle insists. "Stop saying all these words!" Bob bellows. "Quit talking! Just stop talking and do it! Don't say one more word, just do it!" Finally, Joelle completes the task that Bob asked of her -- running for 30 seconds -- but  everyone is too exhausted with her to praise her. Everyone in the gym is counting down the minutes to the weigh-in, in hopes that Joelle will go home.

The weigh-in
Ah, week two, you perverse thing. This is historically the week when things get wonky, and this season is no exception.

Case in point? Tara worked her butt off, won the challenge, got immunity... and lost  one pound. She's devastated (and seriously thankful for immunity), and everyone else is terrified. What's going on?

Team Black weighs in together, and do well, losing 30 pounds total. Team Brown Helen, Kristin, Damien and Filipe all post good numbers. Mandi is getting worried -- she "only" lost six pounds, and she keeps seeing herself slide down the board, closer and closer to the yellow line. She's starting to freak out.

That leaves Joelle, Jerry and Dan. No one (except possibly Joelle) is surprised when Joelle "only" loses two pounds. They start mentally packing her bags for her -- if she falls below the line (and how could she not?) she's soooo going home. But what's this? Jerry, who everyone loves, loses "just" one pound. He's horrified and demoralized. So's everyone else -- Alison cries, people. She cries! She's wiping away tears! Make it stop!

Last up is Dan. With his one-pound penalty, he needs to lose more than three pounds. That will send Jerry and Joelle to elimination, and no way is Joelle staying over Jerry. Which is why everyone is gobsmacked and devastated when Dan posts a three-pound loss. Oh, crap  that means Joelle is safe, and Jerry and Dan are up for elimination. The whole crowd is horrified, and I almost want Joelle to volunteer to go. She doesn't, of course. The group decides that Dan needs this more than Jerry, who has a support system at home. Jerry is out. Sob!

But dry those tears, gentle readers -- at the look-at-me-now interview, Jerry looks amazing. He's dropped  84 pounds, his bloodwork is clean, he's running and frolicking with his grandkids.... it's amazing. Apparently the group was right -- Jerry and Estelle did have the resources and strength to do this on their own. Congratulations!

Highlights, thoughts and odds and ends

• Congratulations to Alison, who gave birth to her second child, Megan Hope, on Monday night.
• Tara endears herself to me not only when she's the first to go meet Dan on the hill, but also when she gives her phone call home to Filipe, who has a wife and kids at home. Classy.
• The show gets explicit with what really happens on the ranch. We work out four to eight hours a day, contestants say in their phone calls home. And that, my friends, is why people can post 6-, 12-, 15- or 20-pound losses week after week. Because this is their entire lives while they're on the ranch. Don't get discouraged if you're not doing this at home.
• Speaking of doing this at home... we catch up with some of the homebound players. I worry about them. One person (Aubrey?) says her goal is to burn 7,000 calories that day. That's crazy talk! That's running for six hours straight! Another says she things 40 pounds in 30 days is a reasonable goal. When you're NOT competing in a reality show, the reasonable rate is about two pounds a week. Just so you know...
• Aubrey talks about her but-kicking trainer -- "I found a he-Jillian!" Hee!
• Filipe is emerging as one of my favorites on the ranch. He's just funny as hell. Here's Filipe on the temptation challenge: "I know exactly what I'd do if I took the $5,000. I'd spend $4,000 on fried chicken, and $1,000 on cable so I could watch the show." Heh.
• I scoffed when Joelle said that $5,000 could buy a house in Michigan. Holy crap -- she's right.
• Jillian is gleeful when Bob completely loses his mind and shrieks at Joelle. She's practically doing a pee-pee dance at the weigh-in, waiting to tell Alison what Bob did. Bob admits it: "Joelle and I just had some growing pains this week, and I was possessed by Jillian Michaels." Hee!
• Jillian hasn't lost her mojo, though. She convinces Dane to do 900 pounds (which entails all the weights, plus Blaine) on the leg press. Then she giggles like a schoolgirl that he actually went through with it. "Jillian's definitely the hardest, scariest person I've ever had to deal with, and that includes all my football coaches," Dan says.
• Mandi grins a bit when Joelle falls below her in the weigh-in. Usually I disapprove of such schadenfreude (on the part of the competitors -- I'm all about schadenfreude, obviously), but I can't really fault her for it. Then Jerry falls below, and Mandi is horrified. "Oh my gosh, it's not me, but it's Jerry. It couldn't have been a worse situation." Yup.
• Jerry is remarkably class when he leaves. I'm at peace with this, he tells everyone as they tearfully reveal their votes for him. "Come on, rock star," he says to Dan as they stand up. Later, as he hugs Dan, he whispers "You do good. Whip those suckers." Dammit! Now I'm getting teary-eyed over Jerry! Wah!

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