'The Bachelor': The crazy eyes have it

Previously on The Bachelor... Jason came to LA to find love. I'm sure a limo full of sparkly women willing to be on reality TV is definitely where he'll find it. I particularly like how it's been two episodes and he's kissed no less than 4 women.

We find out at the top of hour that there are two one-on-one dates tonight and then some other group dates. The first date is Stephanie. Huh. Stephanie is 34. For a show like this that's positively ancient. Stephanie talks about how today is her daughter Sophia's birthday. Stephanie is definitely looking for someone to complete her family, her husband having been killed in a plane crash 3 years ago. I don't know if a reality TV show is the way to complete your family, but whatever frosts your cookies.

On the date, Jason asks if Stephanie has gotten to talk to Sophia yet and Steph says that she hasn't. He then looks over Steph's shoulder and her daughter is running towards her, which is just great. What is even BETTER is that the run-into-a-hug-on-beach between Steph and Sophia is sort-of bungled. Stephanie, like, jacks her little girl in the jaw and they both fall over. Awesome. The date continues at an amusement park where Sophia gets a princess dress and a birthday cake. It's pretty darn cute. Steph gets a rose and then talking-heads about how she and Sophia talk about how daddy "took a flight to heaven," which even tugs at my black heartstrings a little, because what else would you say to a little kid? She gets teary-eyed talking about making a new family with Jason.

Back at the House of the Crazy Bitches, Shannon, Naomi, Melissa, Kari, Jillian, Nikki, Erica and Megan are called for the group date. Molly, Lauren, and Natalie are not. On the group date, they are making busts to be auctioned off for breast cancer awareness funds. Erica and Melissa jump at the chance to slather Jason with baby oil. The other girls just stare, mouths-agape. After jason goes, the girls have to go behind neon, well-lit screens and get naked so they can make their busts. It's very "Cell Block Tango" with the silhouettes.

Shannon, the one who was staring the most at Jason's body, tells Jason to put a strip of plaster on her. IN her interview, she calls it a "moment" they had and that "it felt good for him to rub on [her] body." Oh dear. Meanwhile, Jason is a little weirded out.

The highlights include Natalie acting like they are literally handing food to starving children or administering malaria vaccines and Megan wanting to paint a "fetus" on her bust because, apparently, fetuses breast-feed. She also talking-heads that the other girls don't "get" her "depth" and then comments to the group that if everyone is going to get breast cancer and their children can't be breast fed then our future is screwed. Umm. Wow. Not only do I love the stupidity of this girl, but I LOVE the lack of self-awareness. The girls don't "get" her because she's so "deep." Yes, that's it.

Jason and Melissa have a one-on-one chat and she confesses to having a breast reduction when she was 17 years old. Wow, that's an interesting thing to bring up but not too much out of left field considering the subject of the date.

Shannon talking-heads about how she's nervous because the other girls are good "conversationists." I immediately lump her in with Megan.

Speaking of Megan, the one-on-one with her is a little intense. She confides that having 2 weeks where she didn't help someone was driving her crazy. And that's fine, but she also says that having 2 weeks where someone didn't thank her or appreciate her or praise God that she's in their lives was also driving her crazy. Oh dear lord. This girl is too much.

One-on-one with Nikki focuses on her perfectionism and Jason's smile becomes very fixed and strained. I am also struck how much she looks like Bizarro Sandra Bullock.

Back at the Crazy House, Natalie, Molly and Lauren get a message from Stephanie about the other one-on-one date with Jason. It's for Natalie and Molly is bummed.

Back on the group date, Jillian has one-on-one time with Jason. Weirdly, it's on a giant furry bed. They chat about marriage, but I am distracted by the way Jillian is sitting. Legs down and together when you are in a short dress, lady! Were you born in a barn?

After one-on-one time, they get to see their busts. I must admit, those are pretty cool. I have to say, the bigger chested women make better busts. Naomi's is particularly awesome, it's bright green with a pink Breast Cancer ribbon painted on it. Very cool. She's also curvier than the other girls, which is great.

Shannon, the needy, crazy girl, comes up to just say hello to Jason and then gives him a giant hug. Megan talking-heads that Shannon is weird and embarrassing, which is true but also very pot-kettle-black. Jillian gets the rose, which has Nikki and Megan pissed off. Nikki talking heads about wanting to fall in love and how she knows she's pretty and she knows she's smart but you also have to be funny. It's like she has some crazy checklist in her head. What is this girl's deal? She's got the boil-your-bunny crazy eyes happening.

The next day, Natalie gets taken on her one-on-one date. She enters wearing a black dress that is a little short for the tone of the date, in my humble opinion. I also really hate scraggly, flat-ironed hair. Jason busts out the Pretty Woman trick where he presents her with a giant diamond necklace. The other girls flip out, some in a "wow, that's awesome" way and some in a "I'm going to stab Natalie in her sleep tonight" way. CoughNikkicough.

They take a limo, then a private jet and fly to Las Vegas. Back at the house, the girls chat about how Natalie is, basically, yucky but that Jason may not see this about her.Back in Las Vegas, they take a helicopter ride around the city and when they walk  to the copter I can't help but be struck by how Jason has on a beautiful suit but Natalie has on high heels and a short, strapless dress. It looks like a rich businessman and his hooker.

They hit up a restaurant and Jason is all over Natalie while managing not to goggle too much at the waitress-slash-S&M leather bondage girl. The date is pretty uneventfuzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry, what? Seriously, I don't find these two terribly interesting. Natalie also grates on my nerves. After dinner they get a private performance by Kate Voegele. They dance and Jason talking-heads about "wanting to feel something for Natalie because she's beautiful." Oh yikes. She talking-heads about wanting to kiss him, he talking-heads about knowing she wanted him to kiss her and then realizing that it just wasn't happening. He then picks up the rose and DOESN'T give it to her. HARSH. Wow.

On the way out of the date, she tries to throw some houseguests under the bus by saying that he's keeping some really mean girls and he says that he had no choice about keeping them but he wanted to see a one-on-one date with her and then be honest. Natalie "whatevers" him and gets in the limo. She then turns U-G-L-Y and she ain't got no alibi because she acts like someone who doesn't have a connection with her must think he's God or something and that she has a lot goin' on. It's gross. Get over yourself, Natalie.

The best part is that the bouncer guys come to get Natalie's bags at the mansion and the other girls practically all do victory dances. Snerk. The girls really take Natalie to task and Lauren talking-heads about being "disgusted." Hmm. Don't get so high-falutin', chica.

Jason comes to the party looking for the drama-queens that Natalie was talking about. He takes Naomi off one-on-one and asks about that. He feels like Naomi will be honest with him. She says that Natalie was really more of the problem than the other girls in the house and quickly moves on to talking about how Jason is a lot like her last boyfriend who she was in love with. Hmmm. They smooch anyway.

Nikki's one-on-one time is going to focus on her "fun side." She desperately, reekingly wants to kiss him. It's a little scary. Instead of "fun side," they talk about her crazy OCD stuff and Jason is obviously ready to run for his life. She insists that girls are good for "organizing" and THEN leans in for the most awkward kiss I've ever seen in the history of everything. She closes her eyes, leans in and actually purses her lips out. Who kisses like that? Jason then almost BATS her her face away, but saves it by kissing her anyway. I swear to God, his first instinct was to shove her face in the couch and run but he had to save face and kiss her.

Erica's one-on-one time is reeks of desperation about her not receiving a rose and then she accuses Jason of checking out her boobs. Yes, that's a good tactic.

Molly is next and she is a flighty bird of a girl talking about her butterflies with Jason. He also tells her that Natalie said there weren't good girls in the house. They smooch too and she talking-heads about being over the moon for him. She then runs back to tell all the other girls about what Natalie said. They are scandalized, which is rich because I'm sure some of them would throw others under the bus SO FAST.

In Shannon's one-on-one time, she starts crying about not having enough alone time with Jason. I am struck by her lack of makeup. Not that girls always need makeup but seriously, she looks terrible. It's TV, there is makeup needed. She also goes completely off-the-rails about how in love with Jason she is already. She says she cried when DeAnna didn't choose him last season, which is a weird thing to say and also makes her sound like an outhouse mouse-crazy stalker girl.

Stephanie gets one-on-one time with Jason and she does a nice thing with kissing him on the cheeks and thanking him for everything and then they kiss on the mouth, but I just am not sensing that Jason thinks of her like that. She's more like his cool aunt.

Meanwhile, Lauren is stewing about the cattiness once Natalie's bags were taken. She goes on her one-on-one and Megan freaks because she thinks she's been targeted. Lauren then does say that Megan and Erica are the drama-queen. Unbeknownst to them, Megan is creepily lurking just inside and overhears everything. She then has a thinly-veiled threat for Lauren when she returns about how she would lose respect for anyone who "tattles" to Jason.

At the rose ceremony, we find out that 2 of them are going home. I think it'll be 2 of Nikki, Shannon or Megan. The girls are invited to speak their minds first and Erica and Nikki insist that everything is fine, but then Megan jumps in with people talking trash about her. Lauren cites their trashing of Natalie and Megan can barely conceal that she effing eavesdropped on Lauren's one-on-one. Shannon is constantly rolling her eyes throughout this whole thing and then she finally just walks off, mutters, "I hate it here" and then goes into the bathroom and throws up. OH MY GOD! These women be CRAZY!

Jason checks on her, while Megan talking-heads about Shannon and just LETS LOOSE with the profanity. Boy, that is rich, coming on the heels of her indignation about people talking smack about her. Lordy.

Just a side note: what is UP with Nikki's breasts? They are like two softballs stuck on her chest. Gross.

Shannon returns to the rose ceremony and we get down to business. As he picks up a rose, some very dramatic music plays and I snicker a little. Molly gets the first rose, Lauren gets the second, Melissa gets the third, Naomi gets the fourth, Shannon gets the fifth (yikes), Nikki gets the sixth (NOOOOO! She's INSANE! She's going to murder the other contestants!), and the final rose is for Megan (NOOOO WAY! NO WAY!). Kari and Erica are going home. Erica doesn't surprise me, but Kari sure does. Megan, to quote my boyfriend, is a mega-bitch.

Wow, he kept all 3 that I thought he wouldn't. That is shocking to me. Booooo, Jason.

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