'Rock of Love Bus' Wove, twoo wove

Last week we met the "ladies" on the Rock of Love Bus. Well, they are if ladies threw drinks, were made more of silicone than flesh, wore lingerie as outwear, stripped in front of complete strangers at the drop of a hat and drank out of the orifices of other "ladies".

Courting nothing but disaster, the first challenge of the evening is presented: the girls must write wedding vows and present Brett with a gift, with the top 3 winning a date. Brittaney, trying for the role of the most emotionally unstable female in America, talks about how she cannot wait to write vows for the man she is "truly in love with" so that they can 'fly on the beautiful wings of love' and 'make the world a better place'. In delusionland, maybe.

VH1 managed to find a fake chapel, since no church would ever let this occur before their altar. The girls all fight over the trashy bits of tulle and satin that will make up their wedding dresses, while Brett stands at the ready in jeans and tuxedo t-shirt with the sleeves torn off. It's all very klassy. And krazy, when Brittaney goes through 5 pages of nonsense about being his umbrella in the rain. Only slightly less insane is Samantha who swears she is deeply in love with Brett and would love to spend the rest of her life with him.

On the gross end of the spectrum was Brittanya, who gave Brett a piercing, telling him that when they were closer he would find out where it went and could put it back himself. Pulling up the "sad" end of the bus was Melissa, who gave him a two dollar bill that had been in her family for years. Which is just....yeah. On the upside, Beverly remains the most normal, refusing to dress like a hooker and act like it's a wedding, opting instead to keep her Jeans and tshirt on, tossing a motocross sweat shirt over top. The sweat and a new helmet are her gifts to Brett, which shows again that she actually knows something about him. Or at least listened to a few Poison albums and watched the previous seasons of Rock of Love.

In the end, Taya, Brittanya and Farrah won the date, much to Brittaney's tearful dismay. They all go to what looks like a backyard at the third rate "fantasy room" motel they are staying in for a reception straight out of a trailer park nightmare. Despite having sworn off alcohol at the top of the hour, Marcia reconciles with the 1800. However, she's not the biggest tragedy of the night. That honor goes back to Brittaney, who decides to step up her game and puts on a barely there bikini and give Brett the most awkward lap dance in the history of lap dances.

Thus far tonight, we've seen the levels of delusion, poor taste, and terrible decision making exhibited. Of course, the next thing we need to see is where their levels of intelligence are. OK, in truth, it's obvious where their levels of intelligence are, but Brett needed a way to give out the VIP All Access Passes and trivia seemed like a good idea. That was before the girls were asked how many individuals made up a band called a 'sextuplet' and came up with the consensus of 'two'. Given the results, Brett decides to just give the passes to the girls he finds hottest at that moment, so Taya, Brittanya and Natasha get them.

Brittaney has yet another meltdown of tears after informing Natasha that she only got a pass because she's black. Which goes over about as well as one might expect. Yet, Brittaney insists she can't be a racist because her grandfather was black. As the girls all get into a screaming match, Brittaney retreats to the "alien room" and crawls up onto the UFO bed and cries "I wanna go home! My mom loves me!" There really isn't a damn thing I can add to that.

On the date, Brett takes the girls on a hayride. Which is something that I think has occurred on every season of this show and yet not once in my entire life have I or anyone I have known ever gone on a hayride as a date. Who does this? Is it a viable date activity? As Taya cuts the corn off Brett's cob for him (make up your own entendre!), Brittanya decides to use her All Access pass to get Brett alone. Which is about the stupidest thing she could have done, as Taya points out. Why use the pass to get private time when you are already sitting next to the man? The rest of the date is snooze worthy.

Meanwhile, Marcia and Ashley have started drinking and have gone from fist fights and choking each other to being totally BFF with matching accessories. Because they are stable. Just like Melissa, who goes to talk to Brett the moment he returns from the date, to tell him that she wants to go home because she can't handle him talking to other women. Except she wants to stay and makes out with him. And then Marcia comes to talk to him and slurs something about not being a fighter but just being brutally honest. And then she makes out with him, which requires a mint afterward to rinse his mouth of the taste of tequila. And then Constandina comes to talk to him and lets him know that she took a "religious vow" to not have "all the way sex" for three years. Which is about the most juvenile way to talk about intercourse imaginable and is also the most constructive way to assure her elimination. Brittaney also comes in to talk to him but he dismisses her pretty quickly so we can get to the eliminations.

On the upside, another three girls are eliminated. On the downside, they weren't the trashiest. In fact, one of them had been so quiet and in the background, that I am not even sure what her name is. The other two were Constandina and Samantha. At least we won't have to watch anymore graceless belly dancing.