Raquel and Sharon wind up rose-less on 'The Bachelor'

Tonight's installment of The Bachelor was alternately kissy, catty, silly, and crazy (that one's 90% Shannon), but for the most part it was just interminably long. 

Literally the first ten minutes of the show are either recapping, previewing, or trying to sell me something. Why is this two hours, again? (And can we take bets on how many times I'll wonder that over the next one hour and fifty minutes? In fact, in the spirit of this show, let's make it a drinking game!)

Jason does the responsible thing and sends Ty home to spend some time with his mom, thus saving him from the manicured clutches of his 15 wannabe moms. Seriously, some of those chicks have crazy eyes (cough*Shannon*cough), and I'd hate to see an engagement ring handed out as a ransom prize rather than as what it truly is: an expression of BEAUTIFUL, EVERLASTING LOVE.

After the ladies (and I use the term very, very loosely) settle into their new digs, Chris explains how the dating system will work this season: not everyone will go on a date every week, those who go on group dates have the opportunity for a rose, and those who go on solo dates will be eliminated if they do not receive a rose.   

Jason surprises the ladies (again, loosely), who just so happen to all be hanging out in bikinis by the pool. Funny how that works. He wants to see the contestants in a less formal setting, without giving them the chance to get gussied up and cake on absurd amounts of makeup (Stephanie). First, though, he takes Megan aside to make sure she's okay with having been "voted off" last week, and to tell her she would've gotten a rose anyway.

Poolside, Jason peels off his shirt, to everyone's delight (including mine, I'll admit). After some swimming, he heads over to grab some food, grilling Jillian further on her hot dog topping theory and being sucked in by her quirky charm. Shannon's next to (forcibly) grab one on one time, taking on the arduous task of rubbing suntan lotion on his back while also stroking his ego, telling him how much she reallyreally wants to be there and mother his child. Someday I hope to understand why guys respond to that kind of talk positively, rather than with a restraining order.

His one on one time with Nikki is interrupted by the delivery of a rose and an invitation to a romantic evening. Let the games begin! ("Begin," and yet it already feels like I've been watching this episode forever. DRINK!) Lauren goes with the dubious strategy of talking about whether he knew during The Bachelorette that he wanted to stay on the show. O...kay. As Jason's talking to Naomi, Shannon actually THROWS ICE at them on the balcony. This might seem premature, but I'm gonna go ahead and throw it out there: psycho?

Stephanie is actually about as awkward as I would be in this type of situation, wanting to interrupt Jason's one on one time with Nicole but unable to actually jump in and do it, instead standing over them awkwardly with a couple drinks as they continue their conversation as if she isn't there. SO uncomfortable. Though if I were Jason, I'd give her points for not being rude and interrupting!

I'm not Jason, though, and the rose goes to Jillian. Somebody had better hold Shannon back from drowning herself, yo. Though she might have a tough time with those flotation devices filling out her bikini, come to think of it.

In a hysterical interview that should immediately be added to the Wikipedia page for "sour grapes" (get on it, people!), Lauren says and I quote: "I obviously didn't impress him as much as Jillian did, but she did NOT have a lot of time to get ready. If that were me, I would've freaked out because I wouldn't know what to do with my hair. I would've panicked. I'd have to wear it curly. It would've sucked. That would've been awful. I would've been miserable. I'd have to wear it in a pony tail. Thank GOD it wasn't me." AMAZING. I'd make an additional joke, but that would just be gilding the lily (if you'll pardon the *totally* hip Clueless reference).

The solo date is a trip to Disney Hall, where Jason and Jillian have the place to themselves for champagne and strawberries with a view. Then, the BIGGEST SURPRISE OF THE NIGHT! A totally awkward private performance by Robin Thicke!!!!1! And just in case you, like me, weren't immediately familiar with Mr. Thicke's impressive body of work, he's ONLY the "first caucasian artist to top [the Billboard Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Songs] chart since George Michael." THE George Michael, people. Get excited!!! His "I've got the sweetest love" song proves irresistible as Jason and Jillian kiss.

Back at the house, Melissa receives an invite for a solo date. Another solo date? How long is this freaking show? (DRINK!) They meet at the beach, where they slurp down oysters (ew, and Melissa agrees), and Melissa explains that though she's a cheerleader now, she'd like to be a first grade teacher. Well-played, Melissa.

A talking (well, writing) blimp appears as they're hanging out. Okay, wait, Melissa is a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader and she's "never seen a blimp"? I'm not buying that. Don't blimps fly over the stadium? Also, did Jason make out with Melissa because a blimp told him to? If so: Awesome. Also awesome for Melissa: Getting a rose - and another serious makeout session - on the blimp ride.

While Melissa's off gagging on oysters and Jason's tongue, the girls at the house get their group date invite. Natalie, Erica, Naomi, Nikki, Lauren, Kari, Sharon, and Molly will be "putting the 'glam' into Hollywood glamour." First stop: New outfits for everyone! Second stop: Poolside drinks at a fancy hotel, where Erica immediately gets on my nerves, but makes up for it by admitting that she got cheated on in her last relationship...and the other woman was 52. I know it's probably the worst karma ever that I find that hilarious, but I totally, totally do. Probably because Erica sucks.

Everyone hops into the pool, where Jason suggests a talent show. He starts things off with some "break dancing," and Kari, Molly, and Sharon rock a synchronized swimming routine before Molly drags Jason off to show him her "secret talent." I really want her to pull a wooden puppet out from under the bar and throw down with some ventriloquism, but instead her talent is plain old kissing. LAME! At least throw in some tap dancing or something.

Nikki freaks out on Natalie for blurting out that she saw Jason and Molly kissing, and explains to Jason when he pulls her aside for one on one time that she doesn't want to get involved in his relationships with other women, and calls out some other girls in the house for acting differently when they're around him. She specifically tells him that some of them claim to be ready to be a mom, but aren't really mature enough for it. Whatever, Nikki. (I mean, it may be true, but that doesn't mean you can't let him find out for himself.)

Naomi pushes Jason into kissing her during their one on one time after she gets a mere peck on the cheek/hug combo. Pretty sure it doesn't count if you make him do it, Naomi. Also pretty sure that someone's walking away with mouth herpes tonight with all the saliva swapping that's going down. The rose goes to Molly, to Naomi's dismay.

As Jason drops the girls off, Raquel sneaks into Jason's limo to talk to him one on one, since she didn't get a date. Wow. I totally pegged Shannon as the limo stalker when the showed the preview. She tells him that she really wants to stay, and he uncomfortably thanks her for talking to him and gives her a hug. Oh, Raquel. I don't know why I thought you were above this, but I kind of did.

IS THERE SERIOUSLY AN HOUR LEFT? You're on notice, ABC. Because I'm pretty sure Pushing Daisies was infinitely awesomer than all the previews and flashbacks that fill out the second hour of The Bachelor. Booooo! (Also: DRINK!)

At the pre-ceremony cocktail party, Jason tries to get to know the women who didn't go on a date. And at this point I feel comfortable stating for the record that either A) Lauren actually wants to go home and is committing reality show suicide or B) Lauren is the worst reality contestant of all time. She gives Jason a lecture about how she needs HIM to initiate contact with HER rather than the other way around so that she feels wanted. Um, sorry, Princess, but it's a reality dating show. You might be used to guys falling all over you in real life, but in these here parts you need to throw ice cubes at folks to get noticed.

Speaking of ice cubes, Jason gives Shannon the stalker test, which she passes with flying colors, spouting out far more trivia on his family than requested before losing her train of thought because he's "smiling all cutesy-like." Jason: "It's flattering, it's weird, it makes me uncomfortable, it makes me happy, it's just...different." God, I almost feel bad for her at this point. She is going to be SO embarrassed when she watches this. (Because she can't realize what she's saying, right? ...Right?)

Meanwhile, Stephanie shares the story of her husband's death with many of the women. And seriously, I might make fun, but she's incredibly strong to have come out on the other side of that. I'm happy to see her finally get some one on one time with Jason.

Lisa (Remember her? No? Me either) shares with Jason that her grandmother is terminally ill, and that she's choosing to leave the show (saving another girl from elimination). Which, ironically, shows that she's exactly the type of "family first" gal that Jason's looking for.

Megan finally gets her one on one time with Jason, and MOLLY steals him away almost immediately. MOLLY. Who already has a rose. Okay, at a certain point, Jason just needs to be like "No, you can't interrupt for a second. You're being absurdly rude." And we're "treated" to an additional layer of drama as Erica agrees with Megan that Molly was being awful in one breath, and tells Molly that you "do what you gotta do...no one's judging you" in the next breath. And, of course, Megan overhears. Erica: It's not Survivor. Chill out with the alliances and focus on impressing Jason.

Of course, this turns into an all-out argument in front of all the contestants, and Megan remains totally calm and mature while Erica totally freaks out on her. Erica = SO AWFUL. And she even brings up the fact that they chose to vote Megan off on the first night, when (as Megan points out) her name was second on the list! And she's all "yeah, but probably because of a threat, not for karma." Um, nope. In fact, the exact opposite. Damn you, Erica, for getting me all worked up over something that's happening on The Bachelor!

With a half an hour to go (DRINK!), it's finally time for the rose ceremony. After some more reviewing with a little editorializing, Jason gives roses to everyone but Raquel and Sharon. HOT BRAZILIANS NEED LOVE TOO, Jason. Hot Brazilians need love too ::voice breaking::.

So...keeping Lauren and Shannon around, eh? Eh? EH? Sigh...

Who are your early favorites? Who would you like to see go?

E-mail

• Digg
• Facebook
• Fark
• Yahoo Buzz
• Stumbleupon