Premierewatch: 'The Biggest Loser: Couples' brings the twists

Welcome back to The Biggest Loser: Couples. New motto: "Changing lives -- or ending them." See, if they don't manage to kill one of the contestants, I'm reasonably sure the producers are angling to kill ME by making my head explode from sheer rage. Won't you join me?

This spoiler's TiVo boycotted the first 10  minutes. I'm assuming I didn't miss anything.

A new group of desperate folks descend on the Biggest Loser ranch, but this time it's the Heaviest! Group! EVER!!! I fear for the health of all involved when Alison announces that their first workout will be without the benefit of trainers. Here, welcome to a gym full of unfamiliar equipment, any piece of which could make a muscle or tendon or major organ go sproinging across the room if used improperly. Have at it, folks!

Bob and Jillian watch via hidden camera, so they can see how utterly lost everyone is. They basically stare at the contestants, slack jawed, marveling at how huge everyone is. Because hey folks, did you know that this is the Heaviest! Group! EVER!!! on the show? Did you? DID YOU?

Bob and Jillian waltz into the gym to receive the adulation of their acolytes. But what's this? One couple is not paying homage to their weight-loss gods. That's because Jerry (at 63, the Oldest! Competitor! EVER!!!) passes out and gets hauled off to the hospital. We later find out that his blood pressure plummeted after working out (I'm guessing from dehydration, although there are a number of serious medical conditions that can cause low blood pressure). That's right -- we get an emergency situation in the first 30 minutes of the first show. Because folks? This year is the Most! Dramatic! Journey! EVER!!! Sigh.

Jillian's Minions:

Team White: Married couple Jerry and Estella. They are the Oldest! Competitors! EVER!!!
Team Black: Cousins Blaine and Dane (fall mainly on the plain.)
Team Green: Tara and Laura, friends and former plus-size models
Team Orange: Best friends David and Daniel. Daniel is the Heaviest! Competitor! EVER!!!
Team Yellow: Sisters Mandi and Aubrey

Bob's Mob:

Team Silver: Best friends Carla and Joelle. Carla is the Heaviest! Woman! EVER!!!
Team Brown: Father and son Ron and Mike. Mike is the Youngest! Competitor! EVER!!!
Team Blue: Cousins Filipe and Sione. They're of Tongan descent -- which I mention because Tonga has something like a 60 percent obesity rate.
Team Red: engaged couple Nicole and Damien
Team Pink: Mother and daughter Helen and Shannon
Team Purple: Mother and Daughter Kristin and Cathy

The challenge
The teams have to run across a bridge, scale a giant mound of sand, touch their flag, and go back to start -- and both team members have to touch for it to count. We immediately see that Team Green is in trouble: Tara is in better shape, and MUCH more competitive, and she's getting very impatient with Laura. This isn't going to be pretty.

After a couple of heats, it comes down to Team Black and Team Yellow. It' a photo finish, but Dan just beats Mandi over the line. Team Black wins immunity.

The twist
After a  last-chance workout that involved screaming, puking, crying and more puking, it's time for the weigh-in, where Alison announces that there will be no elimination. Everyone cheers, but Bob and Jillian look suspicious. As well they should: Alison then tells everyone that nine people are going home after this weigh-in. Team Black, which has immunity, and team that wins the weigh-in will remain. All other teams must choose one person to go home. Ouch.

Team Black
Blaine goes from 365 to 351, losing 14 pounds.
Dane goes from 412 to 392, losing 20 pounds.
Together they lose 34 pounds, or 4.38 percent (assuming my math is correct.) They have immunity and are safe.

Team Brown
Mike goes from 388 to 366, losing 22 pounds.
Ron goes from 430 to 398, losing 32 pounds.
Together they lose 54 pounds (!!!), or 6.6 percent. They win the weigh-in and are safe.

Team Green
Laura goes from 285 to 272, losing 13 pounds.
Tara goes from 294 to 273, losing 21 pounds.
Together they lose 34, or 5.87 percent

Team White
Jerry goes from 369 to 344, losing 25 pounds.
Estella goes from 242 to 233, losing 9 pounds.
Together they lose 34, or 5.56 percent

Team Orange
Dan goes from  454 to 424, losing 30 pounds.
Dave goes from 393 to 377, losing 16 pounds.
Together they lose 46 pounds, or 5.43 percent

Team Blue
Filipe goes from 364 to 347, losing 17 pounds.
Sione goes from 372 to 349, losing 23 pounds.
Together they lose 40 pounds, or 5.43 percent.

Team Red
Nicole goes from 269 to 251, losing 18 pounds.
Damien goes from 381 to 364, losing 17 pounds.
Together they lose 35 pounds, or 5.38 percent

Team Yellow
Mandi goes from 263 to 251, losing 12 pounds.
Aubrey goes from 249 to 236, losing 13 pounds.
Together they lose 25, or 4.88 percent

Team Purple
Kristin goes from 360 to 341, losing 19 pounds.
Cathy goes from 293 to 281, losing 12 pounds.
Together they lose 31 pounds, or 4.75 percent.

Team Pink
Helen goes from 257 to 245, losing 12 pounds.
Shannon goes from 283 to 270, losing 13 pounds.
Together they lose 25 pounds, or 4.63 percent.

Team Silver
Carla goes from 379 to 368, losing 11 pounds.
Joelle goes from 309 to 296, losing 13 pounds.
Together they lose 24 pounds, or 3.49 percent

The Twist, Part Two
After all that angst, with people unable to celebrate stellar weight-loss numbers, Alison reveals the second part of the twist. Yes, nine people are going home -- but if their remaining partner is still on the ranch after 30 days, they can come back. Basically, one member of the team will have to try to lose weight at home, while the other member will work his or her butt off on the ranch, trying to stick around long enough to bring their partner back.

Some teams have a pretty easy decision -- Tara is mega motivated, and Laura ... is not. Shannon believes that her mom will go back to smoking and other bad habits if she goes home. David's got the most weight to lose, and Jerry needs all the help he can get.

Other teams.. well, it's tough. Team Silver argues: Carla wants to stay, but Joelle pulls out the passive-aggressive tears. Both women bug me. Team Yellow has the opposite problem : Both women think the other should stay, and Mandi breaks down -- what if I'm too weak? I don't want to let you down! Oof.

After much deliberation, we find that Helen, Filipe, Tara, Mandi, Damien, Dan, Joelle, Kristin and Jerry will be sticking around at the ranch, while Shannon, Sione, Laura, Aubrey, Nicole, David, Carla, Cathy and Estella will be working from home.

Highlights, thoughts and odds and ends

• What do you think of the twist? I think it's cruel and unusual. First of all, it means that people aren't celebrating their very real achievements at the weigh-in. Dude, you just lost 12, 17, 23 pounds -- that's phenomenal. But because the couple know that if they don't have the absolute highest weight loss, they'll be ripped apart, you got tears of disappointment, not joy, at those numbers.
• Second, it's a nasty bait-and-witch to pull on the competitors. These people were told they'd be working with a supportive partner, and the first time out, their support system is ripped away. That's just mean.
• I will say one thing -- the twist probably saved Laura from a bludgeoning, as it looked like Tara was getting increasingly frustrated at -- and intolerant -- of her friend. At the challenge, Tara was at the front of the pack, but Laura lagged behind. "I truly believe that Laura gave all that she had," Tara says. "But it truly sucks that it wasn't enough."
• About that weight loss -- 9 or 11 pounds in a week in insane, and not supportable over the long haul. And those were the low numbers! 25 pounds? 30 pounds? 32 pounds? That's crazy talk.
• Dr. Jillian is back in session, and at least one of her charges isn't happy about it. "Are you trying to make me cry?" Laura sobs. No, Jillian says. Yes, the viewing audience responds. I understand that there are psychological triggers behind weight, but I don't know if Jillian's gym is the best place for therapy, thank you very much.
• Bob tells his charges to start running, and Joelle bursts into tears. She wails that she know she needs help, she needs to be here, she needs to have this opportunity... "Joelle does a lot of talking and not a lot of working out," Bob observes. That's one reason I'm so surprised she stayed and Carla went home.
• Carla seems equally dubious. When Joelle reveals that she's staying, Carla says that she expects Joelle to bring her back, or else. "This is a test of our friendship," she says. Good luck with that...
• We only got a brief glimpse at the personalities this time out -- I suppose in part because the producers knew nearly half of the folks would be out the door, so why bother? We'll have to wait and see who we love and who we loathe.

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