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Premierewatch: 'True Beauty' tests quantum physics on unsuspecting princesses
If there's anything that the series premiere of True Beauty teaches the insecure youth of America, it's that beauty is on the inside and the outside. You know what that means, right? If you're fat, asymmetrical, or acne-ridden, you better have one hell of a personality.
Are these spoilers perfect enough for you?
Vanessa Minnillo has the unfortunate role of serving as host and judge for the competition. This is both good and bad, as our former Miss Teen USA is obviously nice to look at, but has me reaching for the duct tape every time she opens her mouth. Joining her on the panel are ex-ANTM judge Nolé Marin and model Cheryl Tiegs. Nolé seems alright with me, but what's up with Cheryl's lips? It's like the doctor's hand slipped and pumped in a few extra CC's of collagen.
The point of this show is to be beautiful from the inside out. Only it's not so simple with Ashton Kutcher and Tyra Banks at the helm, and trickery overcomes the simple game. The contestants don't know about the secret challenges that would show their true beauty. Let the mayhem begin! Let's meet the ten hopefuls:
Laura Leigh: She's a swimsuit model with big fake knockers who loves to be the center of attention. Yeah, um… duh.
Billy: He owns a vitamin store and works at Chippendales. The link provided is adequate proof of both his side gig and his manhood.
Monique: She's got a degree in Biology but works as a club dancer. She likes to use her androgyny to confuse people.
Joel: A married software salesman from Florida, Joel only works out because he likes to look good naked.
Julia: The only thing worth mentioning about this Texan beauty pageant queen is that she has semi-permanent eyelash extensions. Do they hurt?
CJ: He's a proud, sexy black man who can stop time with a flick of his masculine wrist.
Chelsea: If it's possible for someone to have a bitch halo around their head, it's Chelsea. She's got the whitest teeth ever.
Hadiyyah-lah: She's the most beautiful person on earth with the stupidest name.
Ashley: She feels most beautiful in expensive clothes, especially if her sugar daddy paid for them.
Ray: In his own words: he's a cocky SOB who always gets the girl. Thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, dude.
After the meet and greet, the contestants are given their first challenge. The judges send in an actor posing as a waiter and have him spill all sorts of food on them all. Of course, the girls bitch and moan and the only one who steps up to help is Ray. Surprising? Actually, yeah. That's when Vanessa, Nolé, and Cheryl introduce themselves. They explain the prizes for the winner ($100,000 and a spot in People Magazine's Most Beautiful People issue) and send them inside to tour their new abode.
In the morning, the girls fight over mirror space and debate the merits of eyelash curlers while the guys get buff at the outdoor gym. Chelsea and CJ have a nice bonding moment over CJ's apparent presence of a brain, but I couldn't get over Chelsea's crocodile tears. Also, Laura Leigh can't seem to get a grasp on the whole "washing dishes" thing and fully expects the Jetsons' robot maid to come take over.
It's time for their next challenge. Vanessa recruits Dr. Palmer, a plastic surgeon, to evaluate their beauty with some kind of science equation. Those with the lowest scores will get sent into elimination. One at a time, they get marked on and have to put up with a few demeaning remarks from the undercover "nurse." Then each contestant is left alone in a room with everyone else's personal files to see who sneaks a peek. Most everyone passed; Ray, Laura, and Haddy-la-la are the only ones who failed the task.
The time comes for Vanessa to reveal the winners and losers. Apparently anything over 85 is good looking, and luckily for the contestants they all score over that number. The top two turn out to be Billy and Joel (who, despite much speculation, didn't start the fire) with scores of 95. Rounding out the bottom two were queen beeyatches Chelsea and Hemmy-looyah.
Of course, Hiddy-lee flips a lid. She starts screaming about how unfair it is, yadda yadda yadda. The others try to console her and tell her it's a stupid test anyway, but secretly they're all happy that they're better looking than she is. The next day, Chelsea and Hodda-ling take a limo ride to the "Hall of Beauty" for their evaluation. Once there, they'll have one last challenge. Thanks to a hidden camera, we'll get to see if the girls hold open a door for a PA holding a buttload of coffee.
The judges debate each girl's merits. On one hand, Chelsea is the bigger bitch, but she helped the guy with the coffee. Haddy, meanwhile, looked at the personal files and she completely snubbed her nose at the pheasant with the Starbucks. It looks like caffeine is held at a high standard in America, because Hadiyyah-lah is the loser. Naturally, she gets defensive when the judges confront her with all the footage of her nastiness and she leaves in a huff with screams of "it's not fair" lying in her wake. Her portrait is ceremoniously taken down by some "janitors" and thrown into a cart for immediate disposal. Kinda lame, but it totally encompasses the underpinnings of the show. Maybe.
Stupid show but I actually enjoyed it. I laughed at the ending, I thought how funny they are basically saying she is trash by having the janitors remove her picture. This is probably going to be a guilty pleasure show.
Bo | Jan 6, 2009 4:46:31 AM | #I checked out this show to see if it would have anything worth watching. Not sure yet. Honestly none of those people seem very nice. They are all fake beautiful, too. Couldn't they pick natural beauties? I personally didn't find Hidiyyah-lah pretty at all and Chelsea wasn't really very pretty either. The guy who was compared to Brad Pitt- ummm I don't think so.
While this could be a good social commentary type of show I think it'll be really hard to pull off and none of those people will "get" it.
genniel | Jan 6, 2009 5:10:54 AM | #I wish hiddy-whatever was still on the show, only so that I could read your recap and see the various ways you mock her name. :) You just made my morning!!
Chelsea really isn't pretty once you take off the pound or two of makeup she has on...and it's funny, because when you look at her pretty portrait, her face really isn't symmetrical at all. Hence her "low beauty score" at the doctor.
I agree with Bo: this show might have to be a guilty pleasure for me too.
Ashley | Jan 6, 2009 5:32:16 AM | #Stupid show, but I watched like it was a car accident. Hoochie-do really was not attractive and you knew she was going to be dumped. Loved the janitors throwing the portrait into the trash.
But I have to lament - Eli Stone gets dumped and a show like this is put on? Although it is not replacing Stone's time slot - c'mon. ABC - you have no shame.
Cynic | Jan 6, 2009 6:43:06 AM | #Tried it but won't be back. Thought several of them just weren't THAT good looking. Not that gripping to be a "guilty pleasure". Too bad cuz I think it had potential.
Kate2 | Jan 6, 2009 7:59:33 AM | #that biotch chelsea should have been the one to go.
if i had my way, hiddy-whatever would have kicked chelsea in the throat on her way out. people like chelsea shouldn't exist. she's the worst form of a human being i've ever seen.
charcourt | Jan 6, 2009 8:54:42 AM | #Im glad Chelsea didnt get kicked off, she is drop dead gorgeous! Her face is very unique. She is hilarious and keeps me watching this damn show!!! Cant believe i am hooked on something like this but I cant stop watching that damn girl! She is so freakin entertaining!!
Jim | Jan 6, 2009 8:56:17 AM | #If someone is confident enough within themselves and has no shame to goes as far as wearing acne med all over their face on national television, they have all my respect!!!! Chelsea is AWESOME!!! LOL
Caren2 | Jan 6, 2009 8:58:42 AM | #I watched the show with my wife. I found it entertaining, with all these reality shows glamorizing beauty as the only thing, and how to put one over on (screw) your fellow man, it is nice to see one that looks internally to see if you are a decent person. Of course all these people are pretty, and conceited, are they going to pick ugly nice people. that's the whole idea of the show. Chelsea is on the way out, and Hidda deserved to go. She side stepped the coffee guy so she could run in the door, jerk. Should be an interesting show, well see who is a half ways decent person, because I am sure there isn't a one in the bunch that is a straight up nice person. Lesser of two evils thing. Fun show, will watch again.
Eric | Jan 6, 2009 9:50:23 AM | #Actually, this summary was more entertaining than the show. But the show is OK. Part of me wants
to place all 10 models in front of a firing squad, and the other part wants to see them all
make asses of themselves. But I laughed.
Chelsea wasn't crying over CJ's staged personal journal composition moment - that was a big glob of pimple cream. I'm guessing that CJ was trying to get some "inner beauty" points with his whole sensitive childhood BS, if not setting up a score with one of the skanks.
I laughed throughout the episode. Loved Hadibablah's freak show and am glad she's gone already.
Ok Brandon, I don't want to sound like the cranky overly sensitive guy, but as someone with a unique name, I don't like the ragging on Hadiyyah-Lah's name so much. It is a real Muslim name (at least the first part, Haddiyah means gift).
That being said, she was truly *awful* and she clearly took her name seriously. She seemed to think she was a gift. And I guess she was, just one that no one wanted...
I too don't think that some of the contestants are that good looking. A couple are pretty hot though.
Since this is really a one time only show, they should have done a better job with the contestants - better looking overall, better mix of "types". And better traps for the contestants would be nice and the judges aren't quite working for me either.
I guess it's not good at all, huh?
Sad, but I'll probably watch again, just out of bored curiosity, but it's not the guilty pleasure I was hoping for. And I love ANTM - but neither this nor Stylista seemed to have the wacky addictive quality Tyra brings to her own show.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who wasn't overly impressed with the looks of some of these folks. Julia was cute, at the most. I was flabbergasted that Hadiyyah-Lah, who was the least attractive physically, actually thinks she is some kind of goddess. I want that mirror.
I've never understood how "beautiful people" who are so ugly on the inside get everyone else to go along for the ride. I mean, doesn't anyone ever tell Chelsea that she's a bitch? Or do they hear that and just not care? I can't imagine putting up with that kind of drama and crap just because somebody's good looking, but it must happen.
You know the sad thing? Hadiyyah-Lah will still get her 15 minutes of post-show fame for being an average-looking, supersonic beeyotch.
At any rate, it was more entertaining than I thought it would be so I'll probably give it another shot. Chelsea did make me laugh - almost like she's in on the joke of getting by by being pretty.
Haddiya was a scream - she's so self-absorbed that she wouldn't even let "beauty" professionals call her down at the end. We don't even know what the goodbye tagline is going to be because she stomped out before they got a chance to use it. Beauty.
bella | Jan 6, 2009 11:06:33 AM | #I lol'ed when I heard Monique claimed she had a degree in Biology but works as a "club dancer." Club dancer? Now that is a resume booster and a good use for that degree.
Cynic | Jan 6, 2009 11:45:14 AM | #I didn't watch the show, the people in the commercials were just awful. I will be back to read the recap tho, it was too funny.
Teddi | Jan 6, 2009 12:06:12 PM | #That Vitamin Store guy lives in Idaho? He needs a shot at Vegas or LA fame, what a hunk!!! I hope he shows up in the pages of Playgirl if he doesn't get any modelling contracts. Do we really need a scientist to tell us he's the hottest one there???? The hosts are boring too...
I Heart Chippendales | Jan 6, 2009 12:24:03 PM | #I don't care what her name is, Hiawatha's just stuck up, rude and self absorbed. Her world revolves around her and pity any fool who shakes it. The encounter with the coffee laden production assistant said it all. She let the door slam in his face. I wouldn't touch her with Saddams hands!
zizzyballuba | Jan 6, 2009 2:04:13 PM | #I thought it was going to be a corny show, but it turned out ok. I give it an "A" for entertainment and humor. Isn't it crazy how people could be so full of themselves?
Maria Palma | Jan 6, 2009 3:14:17 PM | #I have a problem with the "measuring beauty" and the black girl getting the lowest score. That was foul! Considering she was most definitely not nearly the worst looking of the group. According to what metrics is beauty measured? Thin lipped white people or full lipped black folks. Sorry the two beauties are not the same. I prefer the African-American kind myself. Nevertheless, I agree that HI-whoever did have a bad attitude. But the dumb white gurl putting loads of dishwashing soap on dishes. That's who should have went home. Or the guy that picked up and read all the files... But I guess it is just deemed cute when a white people do it! Not! Did I hear someone say "bailout or Madoff?"
Brad | Jan 6, 2009 4:42:37 PM | #I watch last night out of curiosity, and thought it was funny as hell, I hate Haladyah, (what ever her name was) she thought she was the prettiest, and I did not think she was barely attractive. I love Chelsea, she reminds me of Ann Nicole Smith. I like from the guys Billy and CJ. But next week my opinion can change. Will be back to watch.
Nancy | Jan 6, 2009 5:16:34 PM | #Hmm, I gotta add my two cents. I agree with Varris. Why is it still okay to make fun of foreign/ethnic names?
Just make fun of her because she's a bitch please. Well, I guess the point is moot now.
Other than that, this is my new favorite show!
Hanh (fellow Zap2it blogger) | Jan 6, 2009 6:14:21 PM | #This recap was so much better than the show. I don't care for most reality shows in general, but thought this one might be amusing and have some redeeming message (i.e. inner beauty is more important than outer beauty). But after watching last night, it appears that the winner will be the best of a rather self-absorbed lot.
The show (and judges) just seemed mean to me. What a way to showcase the value of hidden beauty -- by tearing apart someone's self esteem in front of an audience of millions.
I agree that Hadiyyah-Lah was pretty nasty, but I actually felt sorry for her at the end ... and the symbolism of the portrait in the trash can -- horrifying. What's next ABC... "Coming up next following Grey's Anatomy we have the premiere of Public Stonings and Persecutions". Yikes.
Heather | Jan 6, 2009 6:45:45 PM | #I don't think he was making fun of her name because it's ethnic. I think it was an easy way to make fun of her in general. Why are we being so sensitive about it?
Jen | Jan 6, 2009 8:58:11 PM | #I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.
Kate
http://educationonline-101.com
Kate | Jan 7, 2009 3:42:03 AM | #The show was about what I expected. I enjoyed it. I'm glad Haddy is gone. She's obviously NOT the most beautiful person on the planet, and hopefully now, she knows it.
I hope the challenges get better.
Tracy | Jan 7, 2009 11:26:27 AM | #
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