Photos
Video
RSSPremierewatch: 'True Beauty' tests quantum physics on unsuspecting princesses
If there's anything that the series premiere of True Beauty teaches the insecure youth of America, it's that beauty is on the inside and the outside. You know what that means, right? If you're fat, asymmetrical, or acne-ridden, you better have one hell of a personality.
Are these spoilers perfect enough for you?
Vanessa Minnillo has the unfortunate role of serving as host and judge for the competition. This is both good and bad, as our former Miss Teen USA is obviously nice to look at, but has me reaching for the duct tape every time she opens her mouth. Joining her on the panel are ex-ANTM judge Nolé Marin and model Cheryl Tiegs. Nolé seems alright with me, but what's up with Cheryl's lips? It's like the doctor's hand slipped and pumped in a few extra CC's of collagen.
The point of this show is to be beautiful from the inside out. Only it's not so simple with Ashton Kutcher and Tyra Banks at the helm, and trickery overcomes the simple game. The contestants don't know about the secret challenges that would show their true beauty. Let the mayhem begin! Let's meet the ten hopefuls:
Laura Leigh: She's a swimsuit model with big fake knockers who loves to be the center of attention. Yeah, um... duh.
Billy: He owns a vitamin store and works at Chippendales. The link provided is adequate proof of both his side gig and his manhood.
Monique: She's got a degree in Biology but works as a club dancer. She likes to use her androgyny to confuse people.
Joel: A married software salesman from Florida, Joel only works out because he likes to look good naked.
Julia: The only thing worth mentioning about this Texan beauty pageant queen is that she has semi-permanent eyelash extensions. Do they hurt?
CJ: He's a proud, sexy black man who can stop time with a flick of his masculine wrist.
Chelsea: If it's possible for someone to have a bitch halo around their head, it's Chelsea. She's got the whitest teeth ever.
Hadiyyah-lah: She's the most beautiful person on earth with the stupidest name.
Ashley: She feels most beautiful in expensive clothes, especially if her sugar daddy paid for them.
Ray: In his own words: he's a cocky SOB who always gets the girl. Thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, dude.
After the meet and greet, the contestants are given their first challenge. The judges send in an actor posing as a waiter and have him spill all sorts of food on them all. Of course, the girls bitch and moan and the only one who steps up to help is Ray. Surprising? Actually, yeah. That's when Vanessa, Nolé, and Cheryl introduce themselves. They explain the prizes for the winner ($100,000 and a spot in People Magazine's Most Beautiful People issue) and send them inside to tour their new abode.
In the morning, the girls fight over mirror space and debate the merits of eyelash curlers while the guys get buff at the outdoor gym. Chelsea and CJ have a nice bonding moment over CJ's apparent presence of a brain, but I couldn't get over Chelsea's crocodile tears. Also, Laura Leigh can't seem to get a grasp on the whole "washing dishes" thing and fully expects the Jetsons' robot maid to come take over.
It's time for their next challenge. Vanessa recruits Dr. Palmer, a plastic surgeon, to evaluate their beauty with some kind of science equation. Those with the lowest scores will get sent into elimination. One at a time, they get marked on and have to put up with a few demeaning remarks from the undercover "nurse." Then each contestant is left alone in a room with everyone else's personal files to see who sneaks a peek. Most everyone passed; Ray, Laura, and Haddy-la-la are the only ones who failed the task.
The time comes for Vanessa to reveal the winners and losers. Apparently anything over 85 is good looking, and luckily for the contestants they all score over that number. The top two turn out to be Billy and Joel (who, despite much speculation, didn't start the fire) with scores of 95. Rounding out the bottom two were queen beeyatches Chelsea and Hemmy-looyah.
Of course, Hiddy-lee flips a lid. She starts screaming about how unfair it is, yadda yadda yadda. The others try to console her and tell her it's a stupid test anyway, but secretly they're all happy that they're better looking than she is. The next day, Chelsea and Hodda-ling take a limo ride to the "Hall of Beauty" for their evaluation. Once there, they'll have one last challenge. Thanks to a hidden camera, we'll get to see if the girls hold open a door for a PA holding a buttload of coffee.
The judges debate each girl's merits. On one hand, Chelsea is the bigger bitch, but she helped the guy with the coffee. Haddy, meanwhile, looked at the personal files and she completely snubbed her nose at the pheasant with the Starbucks. It looks like caffeine is held at a high standard in America, because Hadiyyah-lah is the loser. Naturally, she gets defensive when the judges confront her with all the footage of her nastiness and she leaves in a huff with screams of "it's not fair" lying in her wake. Her portrait is ceremoniously taken down by some "janitors" and thrown into a cart for immediate disposal. Kinda lame, but it totally encompasses the underpinnings of the show. Maybe.
Post a comment
Zap2it Twitter Talk 
Stupid show but I actually enjoyed it. I laughed at the ending, I thought how funny they are basically saying she is trash by having the janitors remove her picture. This is probably going to be a guilty pleasure show.
I checked out this show to see if it would have anything worth watching. Not sure yet. Honestly none of those people seem very nice. They are all fake beautiful, too. Couldn't they pick natural beauties? I personally didn't find Hidiyyah-lah pretty at all and Chelsea wasn't really very pretty either. The guy who was compared to Brad Pitt- ummm I don't think so.
While this could be a good social commentary type of show I think it'll be really hard to pull off and none of those people will "get" it.
I wish hiddy-whatever was still on the show, only so that I could read your recap and see the various ways you mock her name. :) You just made my morning!!
Chelsea really isn't pretty once you take off the pound or two of makeup she has on...and it's funny, because when you look at her pretty portrait, her face really isn't symmetrical at all. Hence her "low beauty score" at the doctor.
I agree with Bo: this show might have to be a guilty pleasure for me too.
Stupid show, but I watched like it was a car accident. Hoochie-do really was not attractive and you knew she was going to be dumped. Loved the janitors throwing the portrait into the trash.
But I have to lament - Eli Stone gets dumped and a show like this is put on? Although it is not replacing Stone's time slot - c'mon. ABC - you have no shame.
Tried it but won't be back. Thought several of them just weren't THAT good looking. Not that gripping to be a "guilty pleasure". Too bad cuz I think it had potential.
that biotch chelsea should have been the one to go.
if i had my way, hiddy-whatever would have kicked chelsea in the throat on her way out. people like chelsea shouldn't exist. she's the worst form of a human being i've ever seen.
Im glad Chelsea didnt get kicked off, she is drop dead gorgeous! Her face is very unique. She is hilarious and keeps me watching this damn show!!! Cant believe i am hooked on something like this but I cant stop watching that damn girl! She is so freakin entertaining!!
If someone is confident enough within themselves and has no shame to goes as far as wearing acne med all over their face on national television, they have all my respect!!!! Chelsea is AWESOME!!! LOL
I watched the show with my wife. I found it entertaining, with all these reality shows glamorizing beauty as the only thing, and how to put one over on (screw) your fellow man, it is nice to see one that looks internally to see if you are a decent person. Of course all these people are pretty, and conceited, are they going to pick ugly nice people. that's the whole idea of the show. Chelsea is on the way out, and Hidda deserved to go. She side stepped the coffee guy so she could run in the door, jerk. Should be an interesting show, well see who is a half ways decent person, because I am sure there isn't a one in the bunch that is a straight up nice person. Lesser of two evils thing. Fun show, will watch again.
Actually, this summary was more entertaining than the show. But the show is OK. Part of me wants
to place all 10 models in front of a firing squad, and the other part wants to see them all
make ***es of themselves. But I laughed.