'One Tree Hill': Who's your baby daddy?

One Tree Hill left us hanging last year with the burning question: what the heck is wrong with Peyton? (Such a loaded question, I know!) Well, tonight we find out and surprise, surprise...it's not what they led us to believe!

It's been a while, so let's refresh. Previously on One Tree Hill's non-masterpiece theater: Sam realized she was the reason Brooke was attacked and ran away in shame; Millie lost her virginity to Owen the same night he lost his sobriety; Nathan tried out for the NBADL; Lucas' horrible book was being made into a movie; Peyton might have cancer, but probably doesn't because this show loves to try to fake us out but very rarely succeeds in doing any actual faking.

The show wastes no time into giving us the answers we crave, beginning with Peyton confessing to the L.A.-visiting Lucas over the phone that he's about to be her "baby daddy." That's right, Peyton doesn't have cancer. She's just knocked up! And imagine what an angsty little baby that will be, with Peyton and Lucas for parents. Yikes.

Lucas is still in L.A. because his meeting with uber-director Dawson Leery didn't go well and little Leery is threatening to walk, so the head of the studio wants to meet with Lucas to see what's going on. The studio head immediately asks Lucas what he thinks about Julian, and while Lucas tries to sit the fence it's obvious the studio head thinks Julian is a terrible producer. Why does he keep hiring him, then? Well, because Julian is his son. Welcome to Hollywood, Lucas, where nepotism is king! It turns out Julian's father is only concerned because he thinks Julian is more interested in winning Peyton back than making a good film. Oh, BULL. Like a studio head has time to think about his son's love life long enough to even form that theory. Also, the world does not revolve around Peyton Sawyer, as much as this show would like to think it does. Sigh. Lucas reveals that he doesn't like the director because he doesn't understand the characters, and interestingly Julian told the studio head (a.k.a. his father) the same thing. This convinces Lucas that Julian is the perfect producer for the film and convinces Daddio to keep him around.

Nathan gets the good word that he got a point guard gig on the Charleston Chiefs. Looks like Q's advice to switch positions was of the good variety. Of course, as soon as he gets to practice he has to contend with a rival for the position who throws Nathan's past troubles in his face, like every other basketball-associated person on this show is required to do. He gets in Nathan's head at first, but Nathan bucks up and tells the little bully that he's taking his spot as #1 point guard because he's a better player, and he'll give it back when he gets called up to the NBA. Ha! I've missed this cocky, jerky Nathan. I still remember you fondly, season one.

Mouth is bummed over his loss of Millie, and Millie is bummed because she did the "freakydeaky" (Skillz's word, not mine) with Owen and is freakydeaky-ing out about it. Millie goes to see Mouth and Mouth immediately apologizes and asks her to forgive him, promising to do better...just as Millie admits she had sex with someone else the night before. Oops. Mouth storms off, understandably upset.

Owen, meanwhile, is continuing his drinking and being generally useless until CHASE SHOWS UP, YAY! Ahem. Sorry, you all know of my irrational love for Chase. I blame Lauren Conrad. Turns out, Owen is bummed and drinking because he got injured playing Slamball and was taking pain medication and it all just escalated from there. So he didn't start drinking because Brooke rejected him, thank God. Chase agrees to pull bar duty while Owen goes to rehab, which means MORE CHASE! HOORAY!

Random characters abound this week, as Mia shows up and admits to Peyton that she has writer's block. Haley offers to help Mia write, and they come to the realization that Mia has no material for her new album because she has no life and nothing to inspire her besides the very uninspiring inside of a tour bus. Just when she's headed out to get a life, Chase runs into her in a panic because he doesn't know how to make a Long Island Iced Tea. All the clear liquors, Chase! They make cow eyes at each other, which means they are obviously going to hook up. I'm not sure I care one lick about two tertiary characters embarking on a relationship, but if it means more CHASE I am in. I'm shallow like that.

Brooke goes to the police to get help looking for Sam, but because Sam has a history of running away the fuzz completely blows her off, saying Sam is most likely okay and will return. Sam is not okay, though, seeing as she's stuck in the horror movie portion of the episode this week. She's still with creepy Brooke-beater and her friend Jack, creepy Brooke-beater's brother. Oh, and the fact that she went though creepy Brooke-beater's stuff looking for Brooke's stolen sketches isn't making him very happy. Unluckily for Sam, creepy Brooke-beater just happens to have a door that locks from the outside, perfect to trap her and Jack! Note to self: when you see a door that only locks from the outside, run away. Also, yet another hostage/kidnapping situation on this show. What are we up to now for the series. Four? Five? Fifty? I can't keep track. Jack quickly discovers an open window and very unchivalrously exits first, leaving Sam to be recaptured by his creepy brother. I must ask: why are all of the villains on this show so cheesy? Not that I don't love it, because I do, but I'm just wondering. Is there some "special campy villain class" they make these actors take before they go on the show? An elective at the local community college, perhaps?

Anywho, Brooke frantically looks for Sam until finally realizing she is probably with Jack, and takes off to find Jack. By herself. Oh, Brooke. Creepy Brooke-beater goes from simply creepy to downright terrifying when Brooke shows up to ask him about Sam, and he says creepily inappropriate things about sex and about Brooke's pretty mouth. Ew, ew, ew. Just as she's leaving, Brooke hears his voice from behind and realizes he is her attacker. She then forces her way back into the house, maces creepy Brooke-beater in the face and kicks the crap out of him. Go, Brooke! This isn't the first time she's fought off a crazy killer, you know. She finds Sam tied up in a closet but before they can escape, creepy Brooke-beater catches her and they struggle. Things end with Brooke pulling her gun out of her purse and almost shooting creepy Brooke-beater in the head, with only Sam's pleas stopping her from doing the deed. The police arrive to arrest creepy Brooke-beater and find Quentin's wallet in their search of the house. Wow, creepy Brooke-beater is really kind of dumb for keeping that lying around. At least we know this one's going to jail, unlike Peyton's creepy non-brother.

What did you guys think? Are you happy Peyton is pregnant, or were you praying for cancer? How are you liking Brooke and Sam's storyline? What do you think about Mia and Chase's return and the possibility of a relationship? And will Nathan ever make the NBA?

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