Life on Mars: Cops and Ruskies

Life on Mars finally returns from exile with this tale of Russian immigrants and police rivalries. I spent the entire time with Yakov Smirnoff jokes running through my head. Make it stop!

Dasvidanya, spoilers!

The good folks at the 1-2-5 are trying to talk a potential jumper off a ledge when their arch-rivals from the 1-4-4 show up. Nunzio, the anti-Hunt, takes over negotiations and talks the jumper into, well, jumping. So much for reverse psychology...

There's a long history of enmity between Gene and Nunzio, and therefore between their two squads. "It's  like a meeting of warriors, like Ben Hur or Spartacus or any one of those movies were despite wearing dresses and sandals, men knew what it meant to be men," Ray explains. That 's why when a call comes in about a bank robbery just over the line in 1-4-4 territory, Gene takes his men out to grab it. Chris discovers a pertinent fact: A stray bullet from the robbery killed a woman on the 1-2-5's sidewalk. Nunzio's got an armed robbery, but Gene's got a murder.

The robbery took place deep in the heart of Little Russia, so almost all the witnesses don't speak English. The squad liberates the one witness who does, a kid named Lexi. He's guarded by Maria, seriously hot social worker who seems to know the guys in the squad. When Sam uses some of his 21st-century bonding skills to get through to Lexi (making Gene do a Fred Flintstone impersonation in the bargain), Lexi tells them that the robber mentioned the name Vassily Lukin. Say nothing, or Lukin will kill you! Apparently he's well known enough in the community that everyone takes him at his word.

The squad visits Lukin at a Russian bathhouse -- and finds Nunzio and his boys already there. Lukin says whoever did this crime was just off the boat -- In Soviet Russia, shoes wear you, but anyone who's been in America for more than a month buys better footwear! A little digging determines that the shooter was a new immigrant named Yuri, but again, Nunzio gets there first. Gene initiates Operation Blue Condor, which involves luring Nunzio out with word that someone is messing with his car, and then swoops in to take Yuri for himself.

Yuri eventually tells his tale -- he defected from the USSR, but he needed help to get his wife and daughter out. He turned to Lukin, who charged $10,000 for the job. Lukin demanded another $10,000 to release them. If Yuri didn't deliver the money by Saturday, Lukin promised to kill his family.

Gene turns to Nunzio -- I know we don't get along, but are we really going to let Yuri's family pay the price? Nunzio gives Gene the tip that Lukin is probably keeping his captives in the apartments over the bathhouse. Gene and the squad show up to arrest Lukin, who is unimpressed -- in Soviet Russia, cops arrest you!... without guns. So the squad holsters their weapons in a fit of bravado, which turns out to be a bad idea -- Lukin has reinforcements just waiting to pounce. Things look bad for our boys, but Nunzio and his boys show up, so it's a much more even rumble. The badasses in blue end up beating the Ruskies, and all is well. Sure, Yuri is going to jail for armed robbery and killing the innocent bystander, but at least his family is safe. What a country!

Personal histories
We find out more about Gene when Sam guesses that the beef between Gene and Nunzio started over a girl. A girl? No, more than that: "She was beyond a woman. I'm pretty sure God invented her when Mrs. God wasn't looking," Gene says. Gene and Nunzio met her at a dance, and Nunzio called dibs. But Angela , the girl in question, picked Gene, and ended up marrying him -- for a little while. He even had three kids with her. Can you imagine Gene, a father? Yeah, me neither.

Then there's Sam and Maria. Maria obviously has the hots for Sam, and he's fine with flirting. Ray eggs him on. When Maria asks Annie about Sam, she tells her he's unencumbered, except for a far-off girlfriend who he just doesn't see anymore. After Yuri tells him that in Soviet Russia, the day seizes you, Sam and Maria get it on in a storage room. Yowza!

Later, Annie seems torn, worried -- is she finally going to admit her feelings for Sam? At the post-arrest celebration, she tries to talk to him, but she's swept onto the dance floor by Sizable Ted. Maria comes in, and Sam offers her a drink. He's getting her bourbon when he overhears this exchange: Nunzio: "As if it wasn't enough losing your mom to that maniac, you had to grow up to be such a beautiful thing" Maria: "Think of it this way, Nunzio --  If you'd have been my dad instead of Gene, maybe I wouldn't have turned out so beautiful." Oh crap -- Sam boinked the boss' daughter! That's what Annie was trying to warn him about! The other members of the squad salute him and start planning his demise as Sam swigs drinks like there's no tomorrow. Which, when Gene finds out, there might not be...

Highlights, thoughts and odds and ends

• The jumper at the beginning of the hour was suicidal because he lost all of his money in a crazy business venture -- he invested a company trying to make "personal portable phones, small enough to fit in a large briefcase." "What an idiot. Who wants to carry around a telephone?" Ray scoffs.
• Chris and Ray try to explain the rivalry between the squads: Chris: "The Stones and the Beatles, the Jets and the Sharks." Ray: "Archie and Meathead." Chris: "Archie and Jughead." Ray: "Different Archies."
• Ray is deep into Cold War think. He's convinced that the bank robbery is the first move by the KGB in their attempt to take over America. "You think the Soviets are plotting to take over the US." Sam says in disbelief. "You don't?" Ray replies.  This is actually one of the few times where Sam's modern attitude strikes a false note. He grew up during the 70s and 80s, meaning he had to have been at least somewhat aware of the cold war. Hell, didn't he watch Red Dawn on cable? The Day After? Rocky IV?
• Maria asks Annie about Sam, then points out that Annie is blushing. "I'm not blushing, Maria, I'm...naturally pinkish," Annie replies. Hee.
• Sam sees a tiny robot crawl out of the dead woman's wound and fly away. Later, Yuri tells him he was a scientist on Project Aries, which sent a miniature robot into a human body to confirm or deny the existence of the soul. (Results were inconclusive.) As he says this, a tiny robot crawls out of his eye. That whole bit seemed to be in there just to remind us about the potential time-travel/coma/insanity thing.
• Ray, on Maria: "I would crawl across half a mile of broken glass just to kiss the last guy who sucked her toes." Chris and Sam look deeply uncomfortable at that statement.