'The Biggest Loser: Families' reveals Heba's strategy: Make Ed do it!

The penultimate episode of The Biggest Loser: Families was just made to annoy. First, it was so stuffed with filler that I'm surprised my TV didn't start vomiting Styrofoam pellets. Second, The Brats in Blue continue to annoy the crap out of me -- and, I imagine, all viewers. Can we vote both of the bottom two off?

This spoiler placed 10 spite votes for Ed.

We're down to the final four, and there's not enough drama to fill up even one hour, much less two. So instead, we get filler. The contestants' journeys! Bob cooks! Jillian philosophizes! The Brats in Blue annoy! Michelle talks about being alone! And then they do it all over again. For the love of god, make it stop! Shut up, show!

Vicky
Bob tells Vicky that she's nothing but a game player, and that he'd put money on her gaining all the weight back as soon as the game is over, just like season one's winner, Ryan. (Nice of them to acknowledge that not everyone is completely transformed by their time at the ranch.) Vicky tells Bob not to worry his pretty little head about it. This comes up again and again and again and again until I'm attempting to hang myself with a noose fashioned out of product-placed gum. Vicky says she's learned nothing about herself! Vicky tells Bob that she can't imagine feeding her kids vegetables! Vicky Vicky Vicky Gah! Vicky is attacking my brain! The horror!

The most maddening part is that Vicky says all this stuff -- she's kind of proud that she hasn't changed, she's unrepentant about being there for the money -- but in the end, she parrots a coupe of platitudes about how the old Vicky was sad and the new Vicky is evil confident, and Bob claims he can tell she's changed, that she now gets it. I call bullsh*t on Bob!

Ed and Heba
Bob thinks Ed and Heba are in good shape. Why? I'm unsure -- maybe because they at least give lip service to having changed their lives, unlike Vicky? Maybe because he figures they're marginally less evil? I pretty much zoned out whenever they talked about the Ed and Heba journey, so I really couldn't tell you. Sorry -- I just don't care.

Michelle
Jillian is all about how Michelle made an emotional journey; Michelle healed her inner child; Michelle has learned how to stand on her own two feet; Michelle may be on her own, but she'll never be alone; Michelle farts perfume and poops sunshine, blah blah blah. Look, I like Michelle. I hope she wins this. But I'm sick of hearing about how she had the strained relationship with her mom, she used to be a doormat, etc. Just get on with it!

The challenge
Alison brings the Final Four to a racetrack, where they strap on weight vests and ankle weights and other heavy bits representing how much they lost every week of the show. There are 11 pit stops, representing the 11 weeks of competition. At each pit stop, they get to shed the corresponding poundage from the week. First one around the track wins a product-placed meal plan and $10,000.

And here's where I start foaming at the mouth. First off, Vicky talks a big game about how she has to win this for her family, etc. and then pretty much strolls around the track. I get that she's got bad knees, but couldn't she at least look like she was trying?

Speaking of which -- Heba decides that in order to win the prize, all she really has to do is scream at her husband to go, Ed, go faster, Ed, don't let Michelle beat you, Ed, bring me my money, Ed, hurry up! She really doesn't seem to be trying either, but why should she, because Ed is scurrying around the track to do her bidding. 

Ed takes the lead and keeps it. Michelle at least tries her hardest to catch him, and doesn't let him coast. She's just not as fast as the guy. Hey, she flat-out runs, which is more than we can say for either Vicky or Heba. 

Ed wins, which means Heba wins, which means I am nearly spitting with rage. And, because Vicky is the Evil Genius of the Brats in Blue, I wouldn't be surprised if she made the two of them give her a cut.

The weigh in
Last weigh in, last chance to boot somebody the hell out. I hope to god Vicky falls below the line, and I hope even more that Michelle does not.

Instead of listing them for highest to lowest percentage, as I usually do, I'll list them in the order they appeared on the scale.

• Vicky loses 6 pounds, for 3.41 percent.
• Heba loses 7 pounds, for 3.23 percent
• Ed GAINS 2 pounds, means he lost  -0.8 percent. This is flagrant enough that even perpetually sunny Bob can't take it -- "It's obvious there was gameplay involved. Ed is a man who loves his wife and wants to give his wife anything and everything. Well, Ed's wife wants to be a finalist in The Biggest Loser. Ed's going to do whatever he can do to give Heba just what she wants." Ed? You're totally full of crap.
• It comes down to Michelle. In order to be safe, she has to have lost more than 5 pounds. She smashes that, losing 9 pounds, or 5.26 percent. Whoohoo! Go Michelle!

What gets me is the petulant, pouty look on Heba's face. How dare Michelle actually work her ass off and do a great job and excel! How could she ruin Heba's happy fun time coronation? Wasn't she paying attention to Vicky's plan? Wasn't she? Well, no, Heba, she wasn't -- she was working and sweating and striving to keep herself alive in the competition. She doesn't have a hubby who will win competitions for her, or cheat for her, or do whatever she wants. She actually has to achieve things on her own merit. Which she did, so good job, Michelle.

Alison announces that like last season, America will choose who will be the third competitor in the final weigh-in. Ed and Heba get to make their pitches to us. Heba says she deserves this because she was the biggest girl, she had to work harder and longer, she's special and sunshiny and awesome and pick her. Ed argues that Heba should be the one to go. He doesn't want it! Give it to Heba! It's all about Heba! Everything I do, I do for her! Heba, Heba, Heba!

Dear Ed: You have learned nothing. You've screwed yourself. You have to take care of yourself, and you can't do all the work for Heba. She needs to succeed on her own merits. If she can't do that, she doesn't deserve to win anything.

Which is why I voted for Ed, out of pure spite. America, will you join me? I know he doesn't deserve it, but I don't care. Heba deserves it even less.

It comes down to the forces of Good (Michelle) vs. the forces of Evil (The Brats in Blue). Next week, we find out if there is any justice in this world. Oh please, oh please...

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