'Gossip Girl': "He's a Great Guy, If He's Not Dating Your Little Sister"

Last week's Gossip Girl reminded us that Rufus is indeed Sandy Cohen, which would make Dan the Seth - he wishes, but sure - and therefore Nate is the, what, Ryan Atwood? I always thought he was the Marissa. (I mean, think about it: beautiful, dumb, and prone to dating The Poors. Give the man some patio furniture to throw and he'll be all set.) Regardless, the promos for this episode promise us the gift of Mini Cooper, for which I, and thousands of pervy guys, am profoundly grateful.

Blair fantasizes about Chuck doing that thing that Asher did not do to Little J last year until Dorota rudely interrupts her. She asks for a minute to...finish. (Side note: this show is on at 8:00 pm. Just sayin'.) Dorota fully tells her that she's going to go blind, or something, as Blair collapses in abject frustration. Meanwhile, Jenny Humprhrey has ill-advisedly Carol Bradyed her hair, and is wearing a pink tulle crinoline under a plaid flannel dress. No, seriously, she is. With knee socks! She grabs a piece of toast on her way out the door, screaming into her phone the whole way, running back in to slam into a shirtless hunk of Nate on his way out of the bathroom. (Thank you, producer gods, for not only this beautiful torso but for forcing Taylor Momsen to at least eat something on camera.) His semi-nudity does not go unnoticed by Jenny, who drools, and not because of the toast. As darling Blair walks down the street, Chuck pulls up and asks her if she wants a ride. Oh, Chuck. All she needs to say are those three words, which she just won't, so he pulls away.

Jenny fits a horrifying blouson jumper - seriously? - on MiniCoop!! Woot! Beautiful Nate arrives with Jenny's forgotten sketchbook, and Jenny suddenly realizes that she forgot to be in love with him, and rectifies that immediately. MiniCoop, heretofore a model named Agnes, tells Jenny that Nate is totally into her, which is demonstrably untrue and extremely creepy. At school, Serena (in thigh-highs, God bless her) tentatively talks to Dan. Blair runs up and shrieks "you need to help me destroy Chuck Bass!" and explains, briefly, her...frustrations. Serena and Dan have the grace to look ooked out before Dan judgmentally points out how difficult he finds it to believe that Blair needs help getting Chuck into bed. Everyone points out the judgment and Dan apologizes, then offers the suggestion that she just SAY it. When it is pointed out that this is a genuinely stupid plan, Dan suggests instead that she become unavoidable: that, Blair Waldorf can do. She perches on Chuck's limo and flashes her garter belt while asking him out for a drink. They get in the limo and then - and this is the beauty of this show, which takes place in a Manhattan with no laws of space or time - drive to a bar at which they are wearing entirely different clothing. What, does Chuck keep bugle-beaded purple dresses his backseat now? He doesn't seem to be falling for her tricks, even when she dumps her martini on his pants and manhandles him while "mopping up."

At the atelier, Eleanor apologizes for kicking Jenny out of a meeting with a Bloomie's buyer, and tells her that the only dress the buyer liked was the crazyface one Jenny is currently wearing. Eleanor tells Jenny that she will give her design credit to the buyers if she takes apart her dress and remakes it in Waldorf Atelier fabrics overnight. Jenny, who may be no fool but is profoundly stupid all the same, agrees. Serena arrives at Rufus' gallery and would meet cute with John Patrick Amadeo, if John Patrick Amadeo were cute. He - Aaron - is an artist from RISD whose show Rufus is sponsoring. At the cafe, Dan answers his phone to a desperate Blair: he tells her to run along home and intercept Chuck before he can...um. 8:00 show, people. Dan finds Serena flirting with Aaron and gets possessive, because clearly Serena has a thing for short, awkward dark-haired nerds. Meanwhile, Jenny and Agnes perch at a bar, drinking beers because that is what 15-year-olds do in a magical land with no rules, while Jenny worries about getting back to her sweatshop. When Agnes finds out that Jenny designed her dress, she demands that the girls switch outfits immediately, which they do, because 15-year-old girls genuinely switch clothes with each other constantly. Agnes excitedly greets a Cobrasnakesque photographer, who begins taking countless pictures of Lil J's adorability. Jenny tries to get away to the atelier, but Agnes disappears in her dress - the one she needs to make a dress pattern. In Serena's room, Blair lights candles in her lingerie and pulls up her hair, drawing Chuck in with the nape of her neck. He surrenders until her phone starts to beep with a text from Serena, revealing the game. He stalks away.

The next morning, Agnes appears with the dress and tells Jenny that her stylist friends loved the dress and that Eleanor is taking advantage of Jenny. Blair and Serena appear in Rufus' gallery so that Blair can get Dan's advice and so that Serena can flirt with Aaron. Blair admits to Dan that she loves Chuck and he tells her to quit playing games and put her heart on the line. She texts Chuck: "you win." Eleanor tells Little J she can't be in the buyer meetings, because her dress is unfinished: she knows that Jenny was out partying last night. Jenny tells Eleanor that the buyers aren't interested in anything but Jenny's designs, and Eleanor tells her to go home. Jenny takes her runway finale dress and walks.

That night, Aaron's opening is overrun with people, including Serena and Blair; Blair, apparently, has told Chuck to meet her at the gallery since she needs Dan for moral support. V complains to Dan about Blair's presence, and tells him about that whole Valmont-Merteuil thing of last week, turning Dan against Blair yet again. Serena and Aaron, blah blah, something about a caterpillar. Blair runs up to the roof to meet Chuck, and Dan stops her to tell her to be careful, because she and Chuck are not like him and Serena. Jenny stalks through in insane clothing, and are greeted by Agnes and Cobrasnake, whose name is Max: Agnes has a friend at Nylon who wants to do a piece on Jenny as a "designer to watch." Agnes begins to drag Jenny off to a party when she is stopped by Nate, who wants her to talk to her father about her day. Nate's eyebrows evince concern, I believe. He introduces himself to Aaron, who knows Max from RISD: he claims Max is a great guy, "if he's not dating your little sister." Whoops. Nate's eyebrows do the dance of doom. On the roof, Blair realizes she can't be the one to say "I love you" first, and cries as Chuck turns his back on her. Serena realizes that Dan - deliberately or not - sabotaged Blair's ability to be honest with Chuck. Dan races after Chuck to tell him that Blair truly does love him. Then, he catches Serena as she storms off, and apologizes. She suddenly remembers that she and Aaron knew each other at summer camp when they were little kids, and runs off to find him; sadly, a girl climbs onto the back of Aaron's motorcycle as he drives away.

Jenny uncomfortably watches Agnes and Max make out at his apartment, and makes motions about going to the party she was promised. Agnes begins dancing to the bajillionth cover of that Smiths song that the Psychadelic Furs covered on the soundtrack to "The Craft" (oh, am I dating myself with that one) and pulls Jenny up to join her. The girls pout and moue for the camera, and Agnes begins undressing: Jenny follows, stripping down to her bra and tights. (Remember last week, when Blair expelled a Headband for forgetting that tights are not pants? LISTEN TO YOUR ELDERS, LITTLE J.) There is a knock, and Agnes opens the door to Nate. Agnes is pleased as punch that she "called" Nate having a crush on Jenny. Nate takes a seat on the couch, waiting for Jenny to cover up so that he can take her home. Chuck walks into Blair's room and tells her that the reason they can't say "I love you" is because it would lead to a boring relationship that they would both mess up. He says that he wants to wait until they're both really ready to do this right. And Nate screams at Jenny protectively until they kiss in the streets of Brooklyn. Yes, it is every bit as creepy as it sounds.

Next week: Jenny throws a fashion show, kisses Nate, gets arrested...you know, just like every Monday night.

Okay, if Nate is the Ryan and Dan is the Seth, how can we make Vanessa the Oliver? And does that make Jenny the Kaitlyn Cooper? Because that's tooooo meta for me. Regardless - this episode! Those crazy kids! Discuss!

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